"Tonight the spotlight belongs to one of the most controversial musicians of recent years..."
"What do you do when you find that your parrot's got jet lag, or the tortoise needs re-tiling...?"
"Frogs can jump ten times their own bodyweight..."
"I believe the nation should commit itself to landing a man on the moon, shaving it, and returning him safely to Earth..."
"Each year this prestigious title is awarded to the person whose madcap antics most impress the judges..."
"At the time of my visit the caverns were closed to the public for their annual hosing down..."
"A gentleman never fouls himself upwind of a waitress..."
"Of course, the police haven't always taken such a proactive approach to enlistment..."
"You're a miserable old sourpuss, who jolly well needs damn good kick up the bottom..."
"Quality Donkeys for Hire or Purchase..."
"Being a brief illumination of the vexed question of how close a Gentleman should get to a Lady..."
"It's always best to rest against something solid, such as a small horse..."
"I'm Detective Inspector Barker Harris of the Metropolitan Police Force, but you can call me Snuggles..."
"Rumpleford Abbey is dedicated to St Jemima of the Holy Rock, the patron saint of gravel..."
"Could you spare just three doubloons a day to support a helpless pirate?..."
"The fenny bentleys all dropped dead..."
"Good evening, and welcome to today's edition of Diagnosis..."
"Mr Buddy Vats, the world's fattest man, suffered a fatal earthquake in the early hours of the morning..."
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