Scientists conducting special experimental discos have concluded that drum and bass music is rubbish.

The discos took place under strict laboratory conditions and all the attendees were sterilised to avoid contamination. However, despite the introduction of copious amounts of alcohol, none of the experimenters managed to get off with anybody.

They are currently attempting to devise new forms of music based on more effective combinations of musical instruments. Piano and banjo music has already proved to be something a letdown. The trumpet and xylophone pairing showed promise at first, but ultimately failed. Meanwhile, against all expectations, penny whistle and maracas tunes have been going down a storm at carefully monitored raves in Ibiza.