A scattering of corduroys overnight will give way to heavy pants tomorrow...
Kent Constabulary Five-0 has been erecting signs in various locations with stark messages like 'No Mugging' and 'No Breaking and Entering'...
That's no sort of life for a healthy young wig...
"Quite right, compensation! I'd feel exactly the same way in your situation..."
"J Henry Proudfoot looks up from his muddy trench, his flapping jowls having momentarily tightened into a triumphal leer..."
"The book tells a story of fear, mistrust and exploitation, in which Wombles across the land are rounded up, shackled and put into slavery by their human overlords..."
"David McGog MP has once again been in the news after apparently insulting one of his parliamentary colleagues..."
"Mr Cravat is seeking damages against the ESA because one of their satellites has been casting a shadow over his house..."
"Dusk in the Serengeti and as the dusty orb of the sun touches the tops of distant hills..."
"The problem is that there are simply too many of them," says Dame Vera Trickle...
"Why can't these people just stay at home?" said Assistant Head of Ropes, Malcolm Crampon...
"The Fidgeter cannot remain still. At junctions, at traffic lights his vehicle will be in a constant state of motion..."
"Following the success of the recent Bake Off contest to find a new dinner lady..."
"They get awful jiggy, some of these horses. Very easy to just slip off..."
"How vicars communicate with each other over distance has puzzled ecclesiastical scholars for centuries..."
"Archaeologists have unearthed one of the original clipboards that was used to compile the Domesday Book..."
"I mean, you can't sell 'darkbulbs' can you? Nobody's interested in 'darksabers'."
"Team bonding, goal setting, table top brainstorming, high growth, contingency planning, outcome focus."
"A California law firm has obtained the intellectual property rights for politeness..."
"Police are warning animal lovers in Godalming of a rogue taxidermist at large..."
"Running a Royal Family will set you back twenty million pounds a year just in hay alone..."
"Moving a large hole around the country must present some unique logistical problems of its own..."
"Spend a magical evening in the company of Barry Smith, Shepton Bassett's number one coach driver..."
"I'm nothing to do with this Winkle Holdings of which you speak..."
"The National Trust has taken over the last remaining independently-owned high street business in the UK..."
"On average, twenty thousand sharks a week pass over Mr Pong's farm, seriously worrying the sheep..."
"For as long as man can remember he has dreamed of one day travelling to Belgium..."
"I was born up a mountain, I've lived all my life up a mountain and I fully expect to die up one..."
"He quite literally set the art world ablaze by torching the National Gallery..."
"In the face of much scepticism and derision, Quentin Tote has discovered a new smell..."
"We might see the major land masses of our planet becoming so squishy that everyone will have to go around in flippers..."
"Just how big is the Universe? When, and where, will it end...?"
"We provide flippers, facemasks, breathing apparatus - then we take these people up in an aeroplane and push them out..."
"Mathew Sandblaster-Trogg has not stopped bouncing since 1972..."
"This week: Chilli Con Carne..."
"We speak to Maurice Pencil, a wind tunnel technician at the Happworth Aeronautical Institute in Gwent..."
"The world of mathematics has been shattered by the discovery of a new number..."
"But is there any actual evidence that they were into hang-gliding...?"
"We have integrated the latest pyrotechnic technology into our products to create fully interactive meals...
"According to Professor Jez Moonbeam, comedy is something that occurs spontaneously at a sub-atomic level..."
"...boxes of the above product have been found to contain small canoes, vaulting horses and other items of sports equipment..."
"The island is now home to an altogether more bizarre branch of the animal kingdom - rogue cookers..."
"Your average library is nothing less than a seething cauldron of violence...
"The scientific community has been rocked to its foundations by the startling claims of Professor Norman Sadowitz..."
"After all, anyone can learn to act, or paint, or dance, or sing. But to be born into an acting family, to be the niece of a high-ranking TV executive or to been fortunate enough to have gone to university with the son of a rich publisher..."
"Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Modern Day Bird Warfare...
"Free of the restraints and controls that regulate professional snooker, the bare-knuckle variety is an often brutal and vicious game...
"Stuffing myself silly in dozens of top class swanky restaurants...
"Our goose would have been well and truly cooked had it not been for the remarkable work of Eugene Rumbold and his camouflaged sheep..."
Wrap your brains around these fiendish puzzles
"For those of you who take the view that flying into the side of a house at forty knots is nothing but a drop in the wide ocean of pain and anguish..."
In the interests of your comfort and enjoyment, please note the following.."
"This day in 1956 saw the introduction of the first regular colour knitting patterns..."
"Hello, my name is Donald Fact, and has been ever since I changed it by deed poll in 1968..."
"That's right, a paper cut. I fear I may need to take the rest of the day off..."
"Outstanding Achievements in the Field of Vandalism..."
"The discovery of Mr Dougal Fridgely of 42 Belvedere Crescent, Tadcaster..."
"In just four years time the Earth will be nothing more than a huge pie hanging in space..."
"This latest discovery has finally put an end to all the speculation, demonstrating that cheese has an objective reality..."
"I've been specially trained to kill using nothing more than a raised elbow..."
"When Ferdinand Von Zeppelin built the first motorbike back in 1884..."
"It was with considerable regret that blues fans learnt yesterday of the sad loss of Fats Porker..."
"Hey kids! Get off the road..."
"I'm Maisy Donnington, and tonight I'm going to be your guide to the wonderful world of cheese..."
"A new space race is on following the announcement that Ikea intends to put a sofa on the surface of Mars..."
"Sometimes it goes on for weeks at a time. We can't sleep at night and it frightens the dog..."
"What do we really mean by targeted motivational short-term direction objectives?"
"Scientific types in Austria are one step closer to tapping the vast store of energy locked away in curly hair..."
"The average African bull elephant can type at speeds in excess of 120 words per minute..."
"She's a sly old devil dog. A barbed wire boot for the unwary traveller. A rancid, petulant wheelbarrow of death for the moribund adventurer..."
"She was suddenly attacked by a small yellow creature, which rushed out from behind a bush, bit her on the arse then waddled off with her pension money...
"Was North America once home to an advanced society, which mysteriously disappeared over forty years ago?"
"The flap of a butterfly's wings in Central Park could ultimately cause an earthquake in China...
"Random Kevin is a life-size inflatable doll that you can abuse and ridicule in the comfort and privacy of your own home..."
"A company in Perth, Australia is now offering a unique 'Tattoo by Post' service..."
"Startling new data suggests that the amount of fluff in the Earth's biosphere will shortly reach catastrophic proportions..."
"Fact: there are more miles of shelving in China than anywhere else in the world..."
"Emergency services were called to a Lincoln supermarket yesterday after a misaligned caster caused a pile up..."
"Mrs Doris Pemberton recently revealed the secret of her longevity on the occasion of her hundred and twenty-fourth birthday..."
All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth and may not be reproduced, without the express permission of the author, in any medium including but not limited to personal blogs, messageboards and other internet forums. This restriction also applies to the hotlinking of images. Permission can be requested at firstname.lastname@example.org. All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.
72 pages of previously unseen material including Formula 1 Shopping Trolley Racing, Knee Operations for Fruit Flies, Quantum Farming, a visit to The Book Crevice, Gary the Builder, and The Affair of the Flat Vicar, a brand new adventure for the eminent Belgian dick, Anton La Cranque.
All this and more will only be available in this volume as a PDF and is yours for a measly £1 - yes £1 (or whatever the equivalent is in your fancy foreign money). To download it now, click here.
Compensation! I'd feel exactly the same way in your situation...
Books what we made up
Shepton Bassett's number one coach driver.
Bigger, Better, Faster, Now!
No nonsense advice from a wise old bird
Stop right there! Your furniture could soon be illegal.