"For those of you who take the view that flying into the side of a house at forty knots is nothing but a drop in the wide ocean of pain and anguish..."
"We might see the major land masses of our planet becoming so squishy that everyone will have to go around in flippers..."
"Hello, my name is Donald Fact, and has been ever since I changed it by deed poll in 1968..."
"Just how big is the Universe? When, and where, will it end...?"
"We provide flippers, facemasks, breathing apparatus - then we take these people up in an aeroplane and push them out..."
"Mathew Sandblaster-Trogg has not stopped bouncing since 1972..."
"This week: Chilli Con Carne..."
"We speak to Maurice Pencil, a wind tunnel technician at the Happworth Aeronautical Institute in Gwent..."
"The world of mathematics has been shattered by the discovery of a new number..."
"But is there any actual evidence that they were into hang-gliding...?"
"The flap of a butterfly's wings in Central Park could ultimately cause an earthquake in China...
"Random Kevin is a life-size inflatable doll that you can abuse and ridicule in the comfort and privacy of your own home..."
"For as long as man can remember he has dreamed of one day travelling to Belgium..."
"On average, twenty thousand sharks a week pass over Mr Pong's farm, seriously worrying the sheep..."
"I was born up a mountain, I've lived all my life up a mountain and I fully expect to die up one..."
"He quite literally set the art world ablaze by torching the National Gallery..."
"In the face of much scepticism and derision, Quentin Tote has discovered a new smell..."
"We have integrated the latest pyrotechnic technology into our products to create fully interactive meals...
"According to Professor Jez Moonbeam, comedy is something that occurs spontaneously at a sub-atomic level..."
"...boxes of the above product have been found to contain small canoes, vaulting horses and other items of sports equipment..."
"The island is now home to an altogether more bizarre branch of the animal kingdom - rogue cookers..."
"Your average library is nothing less than a seething cauldron of violence...
"The scientific community has been rocked to its foundations by the startling claims of Professor Norman Sadowitz..."
"After all, anyone can learn to act, or paint, or dance, or sing. But to be born into an acting family, to be the niece of a high-ranking TV executive or to been fortunate enough to have gone to university with the son of a rich publisher..."
"Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Modern Day Bird Warfare...
"Free of the restraints and controls that regulate professional snooker, the bare-knuckle variety is an often brutal and vicious game...
"Stuffing myself silly in dozens of top class swanky restaurants...
"Our goose would have been well and truly cooked had it not been for the remarkable work of Eugene Rumbold and his camouflaged sheep..."
Wrap your brains around these fiendish puzzles
"The discovery of Mr Dougal Fridgely of 42 Belvedere Crescent, Tadcaster..."
"In just four years time the Earth will be nothing more than a huge pie hanging in space..."
"This latest discovery has finally put an end to all the speculation, demonstrating that cheese has an objective reality..."
"I've been specially trained to kill using nothing more than a raised elbow..."
"When Ferdinand Von Zeppelin built the first motorbike back in 1884..."
"It was with considerable regret that blues fans learnt yesterday of the sad loss of Fats Porker..."
"Hey kids! Get off the road..."
"I'm Maisy Donnington, and tonight I'm going to be your guide to the wonderful world of cheese..."
"A new space race is on following the announcement that Ikea intends to put a sofa on the surface of Mars..."
"Sometimes it goes on for weeks at a time. We can't sleep at night and it frightens the dog..."
"What do we really mean by targeted motivational short-term direction objectives?"
"Scientific types in Austria are one step closer to tapping the vast store of energy locked away in curly hair..."
"The average African bull elephant can type at speeds in excess of 120 words per minute..."
"She's a sly old devil dog. A barbed wire boot for the unwary traveller. A rancid, petulant wheelbarrow of death for the moribund adventurer..."
"She was suddenly attacked by a small yellow creature, which rushed out from behind a bush, bit her on the arse then waddled off with her pension money...
"Was North America once home to an advanced society, which mysteriously disappeared over forty years ago?"
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