Archive 3

Strawberries

"Technically speaking, is the strawberry a fruit or an animal?"

Mars

"Strange and inexplicable anomalies in the motion of the planet Mars..."

Jaggedy

"Mrs Doreen Lubricant wants to make the coastline of Great Britain 'less jaggedy'..."

*@%£!

"The difference between man and mechanism can be defined very easily - it's the ability to swear...."

Nostradamus

"New Discovery Casts Light on Prophet's Death..."

Young Waiter of the Year

"Make no mistake - a gobful of abuse from young Paul certainly strikes home..."

Man Picks Fight with Pacific Ocean

"Unemployed welder Desmond Omelette, 42, of Leeds has been charged with assaulting the Pacific Ocean..."

Linguiniphone

Darrens on the Decline in Essex

"Zoologists are seriously concerned about the falling numbers of Darrens in Essex..."

Archaeologists Dig Up Roman Hole

"Archaeologists excavating in Peterborough are delighted to have discovered a hole..."

Herman Logins

"Mr Herman Logins of Aberdeen, is to be the venue for the next Olympic Games..."

Pernicious Phlegm

"Legendary hard rock band Pernicious Phlegm are set to return to the public eye..."

Toaster Suicide

"He eventually succeeded in wedging his ear into one of the slots of his toaster..."

Nelson's Travel Kettle

"Archaeologists have unearthed Admiral Lord Nelson's travel kettle..."

Teleportation Breakthrough

"One of the age-old dreams of science fiction writers may very soon be a reality..."

Oompah

"All forms of music - whether it be recorded on CD or vinyl, or written in the form of sheet music - will not be allowed past special checkpoints..."

Vet Shortage

"In future, students will be required to draw a picture of a dog with a felt-tipped pen..."

Cornwall

"The picturesque English county of Cornwall is currently on loan to the United States..."

Buglers

"Mr Alfred Brindley returned home to find that, due to a typing error, his house had been bugled..."

Perfect Circle

"Dr Gaseous Ballcock claims to have developed the world's first 'perfect circle'..."

Hoofer

"Legendary hoofer Betty Pallas died tragically yesterday when she was mown down by the chorus line..."

Metal Detecting

"Sidney found a World War II German U-boat, complete with its original crew..."

Operation Scorched Earth

"Chief Inspector Wilbur Violence of the Essex police force has been in the news..."

Inside the Nun Factory

"Like myself, you were probably under the impression that nuns grew on trees..."

The Bubble Bloke

"He coughs up something unpleasant and hides it beneath his beer mat..."

Surrealist Muggings

"Police in the Midlands have been baffled by an outbreak of surrealist muggings in the region..."

Climbing the Orinoco

"In just a few short weeks, if all goes to plan, the name Elton Studsworthy will be a household word..."

The Cake Escape

"Previous finds have included a moped wedged between the layers of a Victoria sponge..."

McDonald's opens new branch in the Atlantic

"Top secret research labs in Mexico have perfected a technique of successfully waterproofing Big Macs..."

Concerns Grow for Missing Ladder Astronaut

"Disaster has hit Britain's troubled space program with the loss of astronaut Brian Parker..."

Belicose Pork

"The High Court has placed an injunction on bio-engineering firm Piggytech Ltd. to prevent them from genetically engineering pork pies for breeding purposes..."

Tosser

"Residents New Jersey are raising money to send Milton Pope to New York, so that he can push a pig off the top of the Empire State Building..."

Post Nuns

"In a surprise move, nuns are to be installed in 70 main post offices across the UK..."

Fengami

The art of folding furniture.

Turpin

Wiliam Turpin - 21st Century Highwayman.

Large Organ

"Mr Harold Pogley of Warminster has the largest organ in the UK..."

A Boost for Industry

Airfix wins major defence contract.

Special Powers

"Under new proposals, police officers will be equipped with X-ray vision..."

Electrosausages

"Simon Cocksure has replaced all of his wiring with sausages..."

Quickfire Questions

"We quiz a famous celebrity for a minute ..."

Occuloid Laserprobe

Sir Barnaby Tonk Shines a Light

"Every lamppost that lines our highways and byways is grown from seed..."

Cake Rage

"Many criminals already have access to semi-automatic pastry..."

Barney's Magic Wonder Show

"Belinda Sommers reviews Barney's Magic Number Show..."

Slugbond

Official Apologies

"We went to interview the NHS's new Head of Official Apologies...."

Unconventional Weapons

"There are numerous stories of America employing itching powder in Vietnam...."

Grand Theft Equine

"The increasing desirability of the horse has presented a new target for teenage joyriders..."

My Favourite Nuts

"We invite famous stars of stage and screen to tell us about some of their favourite nuts..."

There and Back Again by Elastic

"Our sympathies to Rodney Tarzan after failing in his attempt to go around the world on elastic..."

Fish Olympics

"It is with regret that we have to report that the XII Fish Olympiad has been abandoned..."

Anthony Bulbous Spock's Wine Guide

"Six of the best wines to perfectly compliment your game birds..."

Lobster Facts

with Derek the Fact Crab

A Very Local Paper

"Mr Droop's thirst for news has led to him becoming disillusioned with the Evening Observer..."

Cold Fusion Sandwiches

"Edward Smiley has invented the world's first cold fusion sandwich..."

Skippy's Opera

"Using sound as a weapon is something that has been considered feasible for many years..."

sounds of nature

An Important Announcement About Fish

"Not many of us would credit the average salmon with advanced problem-solving abilities..."

The Sandwich Advisor

"The National Sandwich Hotline offers personal lunchtime help in the shape of a professional sandwich advisor..."

Springboard to the Stars

"Conventional science might yet provide a means for us to explore the galaxy, if Project Pogo is given the go ahead..."

Tap Dancing Across the Sahara

"A celebration of spectacular failure..."

What Do Your Keys Say About You?

"The secret to good fortune, wealth and wisdom may be found in the palm of your hand..."

The National Key Museum

Marmaduke Irksome: A Retrospective

"For thirty years Marmaduke Irksome talked crap in the House of Commons as the MP for Pontefract West...."

A Tall Order

"We were pleased to have an opportunity to speak to top advertising guru Christian Pyle..."

Auras by Post

Drive-By Wallpapering

"A spate of drive-by wallpaperings has resulted in several public buildings being seriously redecorated..."

The Man Who Invented Sitting Down

"Life must have been very hard in the days before sitting down was invented..."

Bristletech

Appliances

"Wilful and deliberate attempts of household appliances to cause harm to humankind..."

Transatlantic Gardening

"A friend bet him that he couldn't sail across the Atlantic Ocean in his own garden..."

Yeti Makeover

"The ladies of Melton Mowbray Rotary Club decided to track down a yeti and give it a makeover..."

Is your tortoise roadworthy?

Piffin: A Mediterranean Paradise

"Our roving travel writer Roly Coconut visits this increasingly popular holiday destination, and wishes he hadn't..."

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