"Technically speaking, is the strawberry a fruit or an animal?"
"Strange and inexplicable anomalies in the motion of the planet Mars..."
"Mrs Doreen Lubricant wants to make the coastline of Great Britain 'less jaggedy'..."
"The difference between man and mechanism can be defined very easily - it's the ability to swear...."
"New Discovery Casts Light on Prophet's Death..."
"Make no mistake - a gobful of abuse from young Paul certainly strikes home..."
"Unemployed welder Desmond Omelette, 42, of Leeds has been charged with assaulting the Pacific Ocean..."
"Zoologists are seriously concerned about the falling numbers of Darrens in Essex..."
"Archaeologists excavating in Peterborough are delighted to have discovered a hole..."
"Mr Herman Logins of Aberdeen, is to be the venue for the next Olympic Games..."
"Legendary hard rock band Pernicious Phlegm are set to return to the public eye..."
"He eventually succeeded in wedging his ear into one of the slots of his toaster..."
"Archaeologists have unearthed Admiral Lord Nelson's travel kettle..."
"One of the age-old dreams of science fiction writers may very soon be a reality..."
"All forms of music - whether it be recorded on CD or vinyl, or written in the form of sheet music - will not be allowed past special checkpoints..."
"In future, students will be required to draw a picture of a dog with a felt-tipped pen..."
"The picturesque English county of Cornwall is currently on loan to the United States..."
"Mr Alfred Brindley returned home to find that, due to a typing error, his house had been bugled..."
"Dr Gaseous Ballcock claims to have developed the world's first 'perfect circle'..."
"Legendary hoofer Betty Pallas died tragically yesterday when she was mown down by the chorus line..."
"Sidney found a World War II German U-boat, complete with its original crew..."
"Chief Inspector Wilbur Violence of the Essex police force has been in the news..."
"Like myself, you were probably under the impression that nuns grew on trees..."
"He coughs up something unpleasant and hides it beneath his beer mat..."
"Police in the Midlands have been baffled by an outbreak of surrealist muggings in the region..."
"In just a few short weeks, if all goes to plan, the name Elton Studsworthy will be a household word..."
"Previous finds have included a moped wedged between the layers of a Victoria sponge..."
"Top secret research labs in Mexico have perfected a technique of successfully waterproofing Big Macs..."
"Disaster has hit Britain's troubled space program with the loss of astronaut Brian Parker..."
"The High Court has placed an injunction on bio-engineering firm Piggytech Ltd. to prevent them from genetically engineering pork pies for breeding purposes..."
"Residents New Jersey are raising money to send Milton Pope to New York, so that he can push a pig off the top of the Empire State Building..."
"In a surprise move, nuns are to be installed in 70 main post offices across the UK..."
The art of folding furniture.
Wiliam Turpin - 21st Century Highwayman.
"Mr Harold Pogley of Warminster has the largest organ in the UK..."
Airfix wins major defence contract.
"Under new proposals, police officers will be equipped with X-ray vision..."
"Simon Cocksure has replaced all of his wiring with sausages..."
"We quiz a famous celebrity for a minute ..."
"Every lamppost that lines our highways and byways is grown from seed..."
"Many criminals already have access to semi-automatic pastry..."
"Belinda Sommers reviews Barney's Magic Number Show..."
"We went to interview the NHS's new Head of Official Apologies...."
"There are numerous stories of America employing itching powder in Vietnam...."
"The increasing desirability of the horse has presented a new target for teenage joyriders..."
"We invite famous stars of stage and screen to tell us about some of their favourite nuts..."
"Our sympathies to Rodney Tarzan after failing in his attempt to go around the world on elastic..."
"It is with regret that we have to report that the XII Fish Olympiad has been abandoned..."
"Six of the best wines to perfectly compliment your game birds..."
with Derek the Fact Crab
"Mr Droop's thirst for news has led to him becoming disillusioned with the Evening Observer..."
"Edward Smiley has invented the world's first cold fusion sandwich..."
"Using sound as a weapon is something that has been considered feasible for many years..."
"Not many of us would credit the average salmon with advanced problem-solving abilities..."
"The National Sandwich Hotline offers personal lunchtime help in the shape of a professional sandwich advisor..."
"Conventional science might yet provide a means for us to explore the galaxy, if Project Pogo is given the go ahead..."
"A celebration of spectacular failure..."
"The secret to good fortune, wealth and wisdom may be found in the palm of your hand..."
"For thirty years Marmaduke Irksome talked crap in the House of Commons as the MP for Pontefract West...."
"We were pleased to have an opportunity to speak to top advertising guru Christian Pyle..."
"A spate of drive-by wallpaperings has resulted in several public buildings being seriously redecorated..."
"Life must have been very hard in the days before sitting down was invented..."
"Wilful and deliberate attempts of household appliances to cause harm to humankind..."
"A friend bet him that he couldn't sail across the Atlantic Ocean in his own garden..."
"The ladies of Melton Mowbray Rotary Club decided to track down a yeti and give it a makeover..."
"Our roving travel writer Roly Coconut visits this increasingly popular holiday destination, and wishes he hadn't..."
All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth 2000-2011, and may not be reproduced, without the express permission of the author, in any medium including but not limited to personal blogs, messageboards and other internet forums. This restriction also applies to the hotlinking of images. Permission can be requested at email@example.com. All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.