Archive 3

Strawberries
Strawberry

"Technically speaking, is the strawberry a fruit or an animal?"

Mars
Mars

"Strange and inexplicable anomalies in the motion of the planet Mars..."

Jaggedy
Map

"Mrs Doreen Lubricant wants to make the coastline of Great Britain 'less jaggedy'..."

*@%£!
Computer

"The difference between man and mechanism can be defined very easily - it's the ability to swear...."

Nostradamus
Brain

"New Discovery Casts Light on Prophet's Death..."

Young Waiter of the Year
Award

"Make no mistake - a gobful of abuse from young Paul certainly strikes home..."

Man Picks Fight with Pacific Ocean
Ocean

"Unemployed welder Desmond Omelette, 42, of Leeds has been charged with assaulting the Pacific Ocean..."

Linguiniphone
Darrens on the Decline in Essex
map

"Zoologists are seriously concerned about the falling numbers of Darrens in Essex..."

Archaeologists Dig Up Roman Hole
Cross section of hole

"Archaeologists excavating in Peterborough are delighted to have discovered a hole..."

Herman Logins
Olympic rings

"Mr Herman Logins of Aberdeen, is to be the venue for the next Olympic Games..."

Pernicious Phlegm
Band

"Legendary hard rock band Pernicious Phlegm are set to return to the public eye..."

Toaster Suicide
Toaster

"He eventually succeeded in wedging his ear into one of the slots of his toaster..."

Nelson's Travel Kettle
Kettle

"Archaeologists have unearthed Admiral Lord Nelson's travel kettle..."

Teleportation Breakthrough
Teleportation

"One of the age-old dreams of science fiction writers may very soon be a reality..."

Oompah
Tuba

"All forms of music - whether it be recorded on CD or vinyl, or written in the form of sheet music - will not be allowed past special checkpoints..."

Vet Shortage
dog

"In future, students will be required to draw a picture of a dog with a felt-tipped pen..."

Cornwall
Cornwall

"The picturesque English county of Cornwall is currently on loan to the United States..."

Buglers
Bugles

"Mr Alfred Brindley returned home to find that, due to a typing error, his house had been bugled..."

Perfect Circle
Shapes

"Dr Gaseous Ballcock claims to have developed the world's first 'perfect circle'..."

Operation Scorched Earth
Policeman

"Chief Inspector Wilbur Violence of the Essex police force has been in the news..."

Inside the Nun Factory
Nuns

"Like myself, you were probably under the impression that nuns grew on trees..."

Metal Detecting
Submarine

"Sidney found a World War II German U-boat, complete with its original crew..."

Surrealist Muggings
Colour blue

"Police in the Midlands have been baffled by an outbreak of surrealist muggings in the region..."

Climbing the Orinoco
River

"In just a few short weeks, if all goes to plan, the name Elton Studsworthy will be a household word..."

The Cake Escape
Cake with file

"Previous finds have included a moped wedged between the layers of a Victoria sponge..."

McDonald's opens new branch in the Atlantic
Ocean McDonalds

"Top secret research labs in Mexico have perfected a technique of successfully waterproofing Big Macs..."

Concerns Grow for Missing Ladder Astronaut
Space ladeer

"Disaster has hit Britain's troubled space program with the loss of astronaut Brian Parker..."

Belicose Pork
Pork pie

"The High Court has placed an injunction on bio-engineering firm Piggytech Ltd. to prevent them from genetically engineering pork pies for breeding purposes..."

Tosser
Pig diagram

"Residents New Jersey are raising money to send Milton Pope to New York, so that he can push a pig off the top of the Empire State Building..."

Post Nuns
Postbox nuns

"In a surprise move, nuns are to be installed in 70 main post offices across the UK..."

Fengami
Furniture folding

The art of folding furniture.

Turpin
Flintlock

Wiliam Turpin - 21st Century Highwayman.

Electrosausages
Elelctric sausages

"Simon Cocksure has replaced all of his wiring with sausages..."

Quickfire Questions

"We quiz a famous celebrity for a minute ..."

Occuloid Laserprobe
Sir Barnaby Tonk Shines a Light
Lamppost

"Every lamppost that lines our highways and byways is grown from seed..."

Cake Rage

"Many criminals already have access to semi-automatic pastry..."

Barney's Magic Wonder Show

"Belinda Sommers reviews Barney's Magic Number Show..."

Slugbond
Official Apologies

"We went to interview the NHS's new Head of Official Apologies...."

Unconventional Weapons

"There are numerous stories of America employing itching powder in Vietnam...."

Grand Theft Equine

"The increasing desirability of the horse has presented a new target for teenage joyriders..."

My Favourite Nuts
Nuts

"We invite famous stars of stage and screen to tell us about some of their favourite nuts..."

There and Back Again by Elastic

"Our sympathies to Rodney Tarzan after failing in his attempt to go around the world on elastic..."

Fish Olympics
Fish olympics

"It is with regret that we have to report that the XII Fish Olympiad has been abandoned..."

Large Organ
Organ

"Mr Harold Pogley of Warminster has the largest organ in the UK..."

A Boost for Industry
Plane

Airfix wins major defence contract.

Special Powers
Police powers

"Under new proposals, police officers will be equipped with X-ray vision..."

Hoofer
Dancers

"Legendary hoofer Betty Pallas died tragically yesterday when she was mown down by the chorus line..."

Anthony Bulbous Spock's Wine Guide

"Six of the best wines to perfectly compliment your game birds..."

Lobster Facts

with Derek the Fact Crab

A Very Local Paper
Local Paper

"Mr Droop's thirst for news has led to him becoming disillusioned with the Evening Observer..."

Cold Fusion Sandwiches

"Edward Smiley has invented the world's first cold fusion sandwich..."

Skippy's Opera

"Using sound as a weapon is something that has been considered feasible for many years..."

sounds of nature
An Important Announcement About Fish
Fish

"Not many of us would credit the average salmon with advanced problem-solving abilities..."

The Sandwich Advisor
Sandwich chart

"The National Sandwich Hotline offers personal lunchtime help in the shape of a professional sandwich advisor..."

Springboard to the Stars

"Conventional science might yet provide a means for us to explore the galaxy, if Project Pogo is given the go ahead..."

Tap Dancing Across the Sahara

"A celebration of spectacular failure..."

What Do Your Keys Say About You?
Key

"The secret to good fortune, wealth and wisdom may be found in the palm of your hand..."

The National Key Museum
Marmaduke Irksome: A Retrospective

"For thirty years Marmaduke Irksome talked crap in the House of Commons as the MP for Pontefract West...."

A Tall Order

"We were pleased to have an opportunity to speak to top advertising guru Christian Pyle..."

Auras by Post
Drive-By Wallpapering

"A spate of drive-by wallpaperings has resulted in several public buildings being seriously redecorated..."

The Man Who Invented Sitting Down

"Life must have been very hard in the days before sitting down was invented..."

Bristletech
Appliances

"Wilful and deliberate attempts of household appliances to cause harm to humankind..."

Transatlantic Gardening

"A friend bet him that he couldn't sail across the Atlantic Ocean in his own garden..."

Yeti Makeover

"The ladies of Melton Mowbray Rotary Club decided to track down a yeti and give it a makeover..."

Is your tortoise roadworthy?
Piffin: A Mediterranean Paradise
Slide

"Our roving travel writer Roly Coconut visits this increasingly popular holiday destination, and wishes he hadn't..."

The Bubble Bloke
Bubbles

"He coughs up something unpleasant and hides it beneath his beer mat..."

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