When George Faggot became a vegetarian six months ago - for tax reasons - he wasn't quite prepared for the level of self-discipline his change of lifestyle would demand.

For fifty-eight-year-old Faggot - a man who has virtually lived his entire life on a diet of burgers and chops - the constant temptation has proven to be simply too much.

Steak and kidney pies are now out of the question, kebabs are a thing of the past, and even sausages are a no-no, because of the remote yet very real possibility of there being some vestige of meat in them.

Now George Faggot is looking for a loophole, and he is currently trying to persuade the powers-that-be to reclassify donkeys as vegetables. In the meantime he is trying to satisfy his cravings for meat as best he can by going down to a nearby farm in the dead of night and sucking on a pig.