Shave the Moon
Our hairy satellite.
Stuff Your Bleeding Job
How to resign digracefully.
The Trivial Accident Group
Have you been slightly inconvenienced at work?
Arty Tomatoes
Guy Pakker's latest artistic venture.
Core Competencies in Office Furniture
Sign up for a certificate in filing cabinets.
Mathew Sandblaster-Trogg
A bouncy little freak.
Ralph Trundle: F1 Driver
We talk to a legend of the circuit
Staff Handbook
A handy guide to your new workplace.
St Tiddles in the Font
Parish newsletter.
Gerald de Scooter's Restaurant Guide
Top notch swanky grub,
Punctuation Crisis
We're running out of apostrophes.
Typists of the Kalahari
Shorthand tigers and double entry hippos.
Caught by the Fuzz
New Recruitment Initiatives within the UK Police Force.
Well Stuffed
Rogue taxidermist terrorises family pets.
Flexi Mortem
The only credit card you can use after death.
Cosmic Background Apathy
Will the universe keep expanding until it can't be bothered anymore?
Words of wisdom from our resident medic
...Tigers ...Moles ...Farm Machinery ...Hypnotism ...Fruit ...Soap ...Implants ...Pianos ...Happy Clappers ...The Environment
Moroccan Dancing Moles
David Attenburger's Wonderful World of Nature.
Help a Pirate in Need
These buccaneers desperately need your support.
Poot
Bigger, Better, Faster, Now!
Cash for Pets
Trade in your unwanted dog.
Squeak Off
The big noise in footwear technology.
So You've Got a New Manager?
How to stop it crapping in your in tray.
Wisbech
Theft of town exposed as hoax.
Fine Dining
with Woodroffe Spanker
Octo-Fever
Are you allergic to octopuses?
Lillywhite Lenny
On the importance of staying on the fecking horse.
The World Bullshit Record
Team bonding, goal setting and table top brainstorming
The Fish Olympics
Piscine polevaulting and haddock hurdles.
'Ello 'Ello 'Ello, What's All This Then?
Presenting The Metropolitan Police Choir.
The Embarrasment of Nasal Hair Loss
Nostril wigs for all occasions
Scoop!
Local frog trapped in drain.
Food Banking
MPs praise growing industry.
Yeti Makeover
Mrs Stenchtrouser is planning an expedition.
In the market for a used policeman?
How to spot a dodgy copper.
Rob Hammond's Essential Guide to Buddhism
Rob Hammond will give you a spiritual kicking,
Sounds of Nature
Relax with chickens.
Whose Legs Are These?
The gameshow for all the family
Persons Unknown
Mr Frampton is looking for somoeone to blame.
Songs of Inspiration
Jesus Wants Me For His Darts Team.
Drive-by Wallpapering
Delinquent decorating.
Your Staff Feedback, Your Way
Tired of hearing from ungrateful and misguided staff?
Doing the Lord's Work
Vicars on the job.
Grampion Strangely's Mountain Rescue
These vulnderable mountains need your help.
Dobbins of Doncaster
Get yourself a quality ass.
Mr Bannerman's Evidence
Courtroom confusion.
Noblock and Kerfanderbuck
All smileytangled cockrock strop.
Out and About
The International Toast Museum and other attractions.
Award for Outstanding Celebrity
New awards for old has-beens
Rationalising Britain's River Network
Britain's waterways need straightening,
Fleegle
New number has consequences for the future of the universe. And bingo.
The Beaufort Scale
Slight wafts and uninvited pumps.
Sofas are From Mars...
The race to put the first sofa on Mars.
SciFi Fan Draws a Blank
Publisher leaves pages blank to cut costs.
One-Sided Dice
One-Sided Dice for Fatalists.
The Horse-Drawn Record Player
Equestrian technology.
No More Glasses!
Fry sausages with just a wink of the eye.
The Ultimate Procrastination Suite
Just been handed a project but can't be bothered to get started?
Doing Lengths
Mr Zing is swimming from pole to pole
It's a Fact!
More facts from the Funky Fact Feller.
Jaggedy
Mrs Lubricant wants a tidiery Britain.
Diagnosis
Professor Wimple has a dirty mouth.
Are you ready for Digital Ornithology?
Analogue birds are about to be switched off.
How to Look After Your Cement Mixer
A great addition to any home.
The National Key Museum!
We've got keys!
Quality Service at Pooley's
With our motoring correspondent, Martin Carburetor.
Harry Carson is Watching You
It's a man's life as a modern store detective.
Emergency Kebabs
When you absolutely positively need a kebab.
World of the Wacky
With the Amazing Mr Ooluv
Barney's Magic Wonder Show
Belinda Sommers reviews the latest production.
Rod Stewart and Enya's Rock 'n' Roll Mysteries
Solving crimes and fighting bad guys.
How To Be Sweary
with Professor Timothy Bottom.
National Consumer Instructions Awards
Confusing, badly translated or just plain weird.
Gentlemen's Etiquette
How to behave right proper and all that.
Twenty-First Century Scouting
A woggle for the new miilenium.
Dolby Noise Reduction Sausages
Cut out the hiss next breakfast time.
Traffic Watch
Heavy vibes are causing delays on the A52.
Puzzle Page!
With the amazing Mr Ooluv.
Man Blames ESA for Domestic Eclipse
Mr Cravat is not happy about where they park their stuff.
Mind Your Wind
Issued by the Ministry of Gas, 1942.
Not Funny
Prof Jez Moonbeam is laughable.
Teaching Carrots to Fly
The cutting edge of vegetable warfare.
Brick II
Recycling the rubble.
Carter-Pierrepoint
Particulate mapping of key delivery nodes.
Pigchums
Meet likeminded pigs in your area!
Night of the Womble
Unpublished Womble book is dystopian nightmare.
For Kids of All Ages...
Introducing our new range of children's books.
Baby's First Swear
Teach your little angel to swear like a trooper.
Bad Grandma Grammar
The inappropriate erection of words.
Christopher Columbus Discoveries Inc
If you've lost it, Chris will find it.
Short and Curly
Unlocking the power of curly hair.
The Bleeding Obvious
You pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
A Fistful of Sausages
Brought to you by the meat marketing board.
We're No Longer Recruiting...
...but here are some of the unlucky applicants
Petty Complaints Ombudsman
Giving your batshit insade complaints the respect they deserve.
Piffin: A Mediterranean Paradise
Boasting Europe's biggest landfill.
Sugar Free Vegan Diesel
There's no butter in it either.
Glen Twerk is not at Work
Caveat emptor, quo vadis.
Know Your Birds
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Modern Day Bird Warfare
Operation Mutton
The millitary applications of sheep during WWII.
Donald Fact's Fact Breakers
Remembering the classic '70s kids' show.
Oven Chimps
With none of the greasy aftertaste of regular monkeys.
Auras by Post?
Spruce up your chakras
Kicking Up a New Stink
Breakthrough leads to discovery of new smell.
Happismiles Emergency Clown Service
For when your regular clown lets you down.
Space Things
The continuing adventures of Astro Cat.
What's On in Lower Bumpstead
A packed programme, following that unfortunate incident with the fire eater.
Topping Talent
Featuring the Marvellous Undersea Kingdom of Colin Chocolate.
Inside the Nun Factory
Where do nuns come from?
Cake Rage
Pastry related assaults.
Feathered Friends
Could you befriend a lonely parrot?
Fraudulent Bananas
Phony fruit.
The Battersea Wigs Home
We never put a healthy wig down.
Empire of the Flowers
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Operation Growbag.
Selling Crap for Fun and Profit
The very best in useless tat.
Nuclear Garden
Mr Sideboard is not happy about his exploding shed.
Professional Scarer
GRRRRRR! AAAAARRRRGH! GRRRR!
The Wackiest Person in the UK
Alison Perkins is a mad as a fish.
Death By Pastry
A huge pie just hanging in space.
Global Moistening
Fear of a wet planet.
How Long is a Piece of String?
The hit gameshow for all the family.
Munchy Burger
Can you cut the mustard as a top burger executive?
World of Holes
Europe's leading stockist of quality holes.
It's All in the Game
Classic board games from the past.
A Sustained Corporate Battering
We're concerned about Mr Pyle
Blood Donors Needed
Please bleed into the envelope provided.
Tripping the Dark Fantastic
Hello darkness my old friend
The Aromatron
A whole new world of smells awaits you.
Metal Detecting
German U-Boat Found on Devon Beach.
Ricky Stratocaster's History of Rock
The Square Root of Green
Fresh breakthrough in the science of colourology.
Jehovah's Cleaners
Because cleanliness is nexr to godliness.
Wind Tunnel Technician
Pardon?
The Shepton Bassett Village Fete
In aid of the St Tiddles in the Font Restoration Fund.
Spread the Good Word!
Your chance to buy shares in the Salvation Army!
Tax, What Tax?
Sir John Wyndrell has never heard of his own company.
The Language of Dance
Jazz hands and quickstep.
Extreme Dinosaurs
Skateboarding plesiosaurs, rollerblading raptors and a brontosaurus with a space hopper.
The Drivelling
Troubled Hammer film gets new release.
No Offence
The Right Honourable David McGog unapologetically apologises.
Galactic Phrasebook
Learn to speak Venusian!
Fatquake
A sad farewell to the world's fatest man.
Mrs Womble writes...
The Discovery of Vitamin G
Great moments in science.
Buy Our Shampoo
Just buy it, ok.
Have you got what it takes to stay in the country?
Be a great Briton. Or get out.
Barry the Road Safety Owl
No nonsense advice from a wise old bird
Linguini!
Learn to speak fluent pasta.
Optimum Leaning Angles
How to look cool and interesting at an angle.
Here Comes Barry Smith
Wise words from Shepton Bassett's number one coach driver.
Cheese Genome Finally Cracked!
Scientific proof of the existence of cheese.
Why Your Printer Doesn't Work
Most of these devices are allergic to paper.
Shepton Bassett - A Vision for the Future
Better late than never, our town plan.
Cold Fusion Sandwiches
A new era in atomic lunches.
Local Heroes
Outstanding achievements in the field of vandalism.
Shark Fishing
Fergus Pong has a shark problem.
The Great Space Exhibition
Glorious innovations and technical marvels!
Maisy Donnington's Cheese Etiquette Page
Your guide to the wonderful world of cheese.
Fats Porker - Blues Whinger
In memory of Crappsville's finest son.
Dilbert's Donkey Solutions
Professional donkey storage.
Maxi-Lingual for Motorists
Curse fluently in over six languages.
Pretty Pictures
Better management through crayons.
Brixham Trouser Museum
The UK 's premier trouser experience.
Some more stupid than others.
Barry Buys a Broom
Dirty Doings at Featherstone Manor
Board Meeting
The Day Before Tomnorrow
Tall Story in a Short Glass
The Hedgehog King
The Mystery of the Shitfaced Man
Venus by Catapult
You Again
Death, Doom and Disaster
Goldilocks and the Free Bears
Some People You've Never Heard Of
Rancid Alan Grease and others.
Dream Strides
Emergency trousers delivered direct to your anxiety nightmare.
10 Things You Never Knew About Frogs
Frogtastic Facts
New Rights for Fictional Characters
It's no longer ok to call Oliver Twist a twat.
Cosmos Rocks
In an infinite universe, there is no limit to human gullibility.
Digital Vicars
The secret ways that vicars communicate?
Crystal N.R.G.
Harnessing the mystical bollocks of the universe.
Spooky Doings
The magazine of weird and improbable stuff.
Pigmongering
Fergus Pong introduces us to this dying art.
Veg-U-Like
Tomatoes, cauliflower, brussel sprouts and peas - collect the whole set.
Echo...Echo
Mr Clutterbuck has an echo... echo... echo.
Nobby Wentworth's Pet Surgery
Save cash - fix your own pets in the comfort of your own home.
Exploding Dinners
Put the fun back into dinner time.
A Ding-Dong Duvets
Prof Reynaud pulls a fast one.
The Alternative Olympics
Speed swingball and dodgem rallying.
Greygolds Residential Care Home
Where quality care costs extra.
Art
Selwyn Peach paints Elephants
Scrufty's Magic Juju Shoppe
A tale of oconker mismanagement.
British Gas
Sending foreign gas back home.
The Montreux Clinic For Aural Readjustment
Get your wonky flappers straightened here
Things Fall Over All the Time
Arthur's train only has wheels on one side.
Old Clothes
Trading Standards warn against dangerously out of date clobber.
Maisy Donnington's Office Safety
How to avoid the business end of a stapler.
An Open Letter to Shepton Bassett Park & Zoo
Sorry about your monkeys.
Knitting in Colour
This day in 1956 saw the introduction of the first regular colour knitting patterns.
The Thoroughfare of Success
Dick Smidgen teaches you how to live your life but better.
Marmaduke Irksome: A Retrospective
Talking crap in the House of Commons.
Dark Batter
Is the missing mass in the Universe actually pastry?
Pooley's Fire Distinguisher
Put paid to that firey bullshit.
New Deposits of Earwax Discovered
Significant quantities discovered in Mr Harry Frome
A Career in Printing
Why not specialise in the colour green?
Hear and Now
For collectors of rare and unusual sounds.
Skydiving
Skydiving without the unnecessary inconvenience of a parachute.
Buttock Express
Your arse in our hands.
A Very Local Paper
All the news that's local to Mr Henry Droop, Littlehampton.
Bristletech Industries
Do you need to grow a beard? Fast?
Gin!
Gin, gin and more gin!
The Unusual Suspects
A message from Det. Insp. Barker Harris.
The Kidderminster Lemon Exchange
Open now for faster, more reliable lemon exchange.
Anti-Assertiveness Classes
Tone it down a bit.
Neighbor Nightmares: The Movie
Two men, one drive, no prisoners.
Mr & Mrs Pottle are Lost Again
Why can't these people just stay at home?
Centuri Space Supplies
Second hand space travel
Announcing the iSpong
Totally changing the way that people spong in the future.
Butterfly
Prof Jim Spanners explains chaos theory
The Devil's Arse On Tour
Famous cavern to tour country
What Is It?
How what why when who where and when? Hello?
Bare-knuckle Snooker
The biggest threat to law and order since badminton
Petunia Mulch
Plant psychologist.
Something Happened on Tuesday
Probably, but we're not sure what.
An Important Announcement about Fish
Clever trout and erudite pilcards.
Amateur Stamp Collector Collector
Want to know how much to pay for a Nigel Tomlinson?
So Special
Special beauty therapies for very special people.
Dougal Fridgely
Possible dwarf planet discovered in Tadcaster
Ant Facts
with Donald Fact.
Top Twenty Albums of the '70s
With Ricky Stratocaster, professor of twangology.
International Arse Kicking
Bottom kicking for fun and profit.
The Wonderful World of Ants
Ants, ants, ants, ants!
Maisy Donnington's Guide to Perking Yourself Up
Turn that frown upside down.
Jazz Bomb
Raw unadulterated jazz.
Did Man Really Go To Belgium?
The dark truth behind the Belgian conspiracy
Eazee-post
Taking the pain out of internet forums.
Mr Gammon's Objections
Shepton Bassett Council Responds
Historic Knees
Knees of outstanding natural beauty.
The Sandwich Advisor
Buying a sandwich is the third most stressful thing you can do.
Travel News
Cowboys on the line and bricked up tunnels,
Astralguard
Insurance for Astral Travellers.
The Prime Time Gameshow Generator
As used by TV executives worldwide.
The Delusion of J Henry Proudfoot
We meet an alien archaeologist.
Jars-4-u
Get your jars opened by a professional jar opener!
Debt Matters
Making you aware of your debt.
Tony Fold's Country Rambles
with guest rambler, Rory Triffic.
Donald Fact's Fact Blast
It's a Fact, brought to you by Crunchy Flakes.
Introducing Flying Squirrels
Flying into the side of a house at forty knots...
Bing Crosby Boxing
Punching singers in the mouth.
Criminal Offence Self-Assessment Form
Tick the box if you're a wrong 'un.
Thinking of Buying an Octopus?
How to look after your squishy friend.
Cut Price Chips
You like chips? You like lots of chips?
Cock
The magazine for young gentlemen.
It's a Fact
Fun facts from the Fact Master. Fank you.
Product Recall
Some of our biscuits may contain canoes.
Welcome to Stick World
If you like sticks, well, we've got sticks.
An Old Fart Remembers
Do you remember Puthering Day?
Is Your Tortoise Roadworthy?
Important news from the Ministry of Tortoises.
Cooker Island
Where the toasters roam free.
The Long Range Trouser Forecast
Overnight corduroys and occasional dungarees.
Bean Legacy
This summer, Christian Bale is Mr Bean.
Motorcycle Display Teams
A bunch of blokes twatting about on bikes.
Comfy Dinners
A meal fit for a bed.
Forward to the '80s
How we'll all be travelling in the '80s.
Slugbond
Because an inflated slug is a happy slug.
Machiavelli Management Solutions
Discipline over distance.
History in Focus
An elbow shaker and a lickspittling mumblecrust
Evening Courses
Pseudo-academic subjects and frivolous arts and crafts courses.
All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth 2000-2026, and may not be reproduced without the express permission of the author. All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. || Picture Credits: P.Farnsworth/morguefile.com/craiyon.com. || Privacy Notice: this site does not collect, store or otherwise process your personal data. Sorry, but I'm not the slightest bit interested in you.
