Know Your Birds
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Modern Day Bird Warfare
Maisy Donnington's Office Safety
How to avoid the business end of a stapler.
Mr Gammon's Objections
Shepton Bassett Council Responds
Christopher Columbus Discoveries Inc
If you've lost it, Chris will find it.
Empire of the Flowers
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Operation Growbag.
Glen Twerk is not at Work
Caveat emptor, quo vadis.
How to Look After Your Cement Mixer
A great addition to any home.
Wisbech
Theft of town exposed as hoax.
Digital Vicars
The secret ways that vicars communicate?
Poot
Bigger, Better, Faster, Now!
Night of the Womble
Unpublished Womble book is dystopian nightmare.
Fats Porker - Blues Whinger
In memory of Crappsville's finest son.
Piffin: A Mediterranean Paradise
Boasting Europe's biggest landfill.
Optimum Leaning Angles
How to look cool and interesting at an angle.
Grampion Strangely's Mountain Rescue
These vulnderable mountains need your help.
Short and Curly
Unlocking the power of curly hair.
Words of wisdom from our resident medic
...Tigers ...Moles ...Farm Machinery ...Hypnotism ...Fruit ...Soap ...Implants ...Pianos ...Happy Clappers ...The Environment
Local Heroes
Outstanding achievements in the field of vandalism.
Mr & Mrs Pottle are Lost Again
Why can't these people just stay at home?
The World Bullshit Record
Team bonding, goal setting and table top brainstorming
Feathered Friends
Could you befriend a lonely parrot?
Out and About
The International Toast Museum and other attractions.
Shark Fishing
Fergus Pong has a shark problem.
Whose Legs Are These?
The gameshow for all the family
Announcing the iSpong
Totally changing the way that people spong in the future.
In the market for a used policeman?
How to spot a dodgy copper.
A Career in Printing
Why not specialise in the colour green?
Petunia Mulch
Plant psychologist.
Tony Fold's Country Rambles
with guest rambler, Rory Triffic.
Art
Selwyn Peach paints Elephants
Gin!
Gin, gin and more gin!
Old Clothes
Trading Standards warn against dangerously out of date clobber.
Fraudulent Bananas
Phony fruit.
Flexi Mortem
The only credit card you can use after death.
A Fistful of Sausages
Brought to you by the meat marketing board.
British Gas
Sending foreign gas back home.
Selling Crap for Fun and Profit
The very best in useless tat.
St Tiddles in the Font
Parish newsletter.
Did Man Really Go To Belgium?
The dark truth behind the Belgian conspiracy
Cash for Pets
Trade in your unwanted dog.
Cheese Genome Finally Cracked!
Scientific proof of the existence of cheese.
Award for Outstanding Celebrity
New awards for old has-beens
Donald Fact's Fact Breakers
Remembering the classic '70s kids' show.
Rod Stewart and Enya's Rock 'n' Roll Mysteries
Solving crimes and fighting bad guys.
An Important Announcement about Fish
Clever trout and erudite pilcards.
The Discovery of Vitamin G
Great moments in science.
Twenty-First Century Scouting
A woggle for the new miilenium.
Rob Hammond's Essential Guide to Buddhism
Rob Hammond will give you a spiritual kicking,
Space Things
The continuing adventures of Astro Cat.
Bing Crosby Boxing
Punching singers in the mouth.
Pretty Pictures
Better management through crayons.
Travel News
Cowboys on the line and bricked up tunnels,
National Consumer Instructions Awards
Confusing, badly translated or just plain weird.
Happismiles Emergency Clown Service
For when your regular clown lets you down.
The Great Space Exhibition
Glorious innovations and technical marvels!
Carter-Pierrepoint
Particulate mapping of key delivery nodes.
Auras by Post?
Spruce up your chakras
We're No Longer Recruiting...
...but here are some of the unlucky applicants
Ant Facts
with Donald Fact.
New Deposits of Earwax Discovered
Significant quantities discovered in Mr Harry Frome
The Wackiest Person in the UK
Alison Perkins is a mad as a fish.
Donald Fact's Fact Blast
It's a Fact, brought to you by Crunchy Flakes.
SciFi Fan Draws a Blank
Publisher leaves pages blank to cut costs.
The Ultimate Procrastination Suite
Just been handed a project but can't be bothered to get started?
Thinking of Buying an Octopus?
How to look after your squishy friend.
Brixham Trouser Museum
The UK 's premier trouser experience.
The Fish Olympics
Piscine polevaulting and haddock hurdles.
Tax, What Tax?
Sir John Wyndrell has never heard of his own company.
The Aromatron
A whole new world of smells awaits you.
Scrufty's Magic Juju Shoppe
A tale of oconker mismanagement.
Barney's Magic Wonder Show
Belinda Sommers reviews the latest production.
Metal Detecting
German U-Boat Found on Devon Beach.
Ralph Trundle: F1 Driver
We talk to a legend of the circuit
It's a Fact!
More facts from the Funky Fact Feller.
Baby's First Swear
Teach your little angel to swear like a trooper.
World of Holes
Europe's leading stockist of quality holes.
Skydiving
Skydiving without the unnecessary inconvenience of a parachute.
So Special
Special beauty therapies for very special people.
Things Fall Over All the Time
Arthur's train only has wheels on one side.
The Drivelling
Troubled Hammer film gets new release.
Scoop!
Local frog trapped in drain.
Mathew Sandblaster-Trogg
A bouncy little freak.
Staff Handbook
A handy guide to your new workplace.
The Embarrasment of Nasal Hair Loss
Nostril wigs for all occasions
Jaggedy
Mrs Lubricant wants a tidiery Britain.
New Rights for Fictional Characters
It's no longer ok to call Oliver Twist a twat.
Professional Scarer
GRRRRRR! AAAAARRRRGH! GRRRR!
So You've Got a New Manager?
How to stop it crapping in your in tray.
What's On in Lower Bumpstead
A packed programme, following that unfortunate incident with the fire eater.
Extreme Dinosaurs
Skateboarding plesiosaurs, rollerblading raptors and a brontosaurus with a space hopper.
Teaching Carrots to Fly
The cutting edge of vegetable warfare.
Slugbond
Because an inflated slug is a happy slug.
Quality Service at Pooley's
With our motoring correspondent, Martin Carburetor.
Evening Courses
Pseudo-academic subjects and frivolous arts and crafts courses.
10 Things You Never Knew About Frogs
Frogtastic Facts
Echo...Echo
Mr Clutterbuck has an echo... echo... echo.
Cold Fusion Sandwiches
A new era in atomic lunches.
An Open Letter to Shepton Bassett Park & Zoo
Sorry about your monkeys.
Here Comes Barry Smith
Wise words from Shepton Bassett's number one coach driver.
Bean Legacy
This summer, Christian Bale is Mr Bean.
Centuri Space Supplies
Second hand space travel
Jars-4-u
Get your jars opened by a professional jar opener!
Cake Rage
Pastry related assaults.
The Sandwich Advisor
Buying a sandwich is the third most stressful thing you can do.
A Very Local Paper
All the news that's local to Mr Henry Droop, Littlehampton.
Comfy Dinners
A meal fit for a bed.
Dark Batter
Is the missing mass in the Universe actually pastry?
Noblock and Kerfanderbuck
All smileytangled cockrock strop.
Welcome to Stick World
If you like sticks, well, we've got sticks.
A Ding-Dong Duvets
Prof Reynaud pulls a fast one.
Something Happened on Tuesday
Probably, but we're not sure what.
Sofas are From Mars...
The race to put the first sofa on Mars.
The Unusual Suspects
A message from Det. Insp. Barker Harris.
Shave the Moon
Our hairy satellite.
Mind Your Wind
Issued by the Ministry of Gas, 1942.
Some People You've Never Heard Of
Rancid Alan Grease and others.
Octo-Fever
Are you allergic to octopuses?
Drive-by Wallpapering
Delinquent decorating.
It's a Fact
Fun facts from the Fact Master. Fank you.
Stuff Your Bleeding Job
How to resign digracefully.
Fleegle
New number has consequences for the future of the universe. And bingo.
Yeti Makeover
Mrs Stenchtrouser is planning an expedition.
Crystal N.R.G.
Harnessing the mystical bollocks of the universe.
Astralguard
Insurance for Astral Travellers.
History in Focus
An elbow shaker and a lickspittling mumblecrust
Brick II
Recycling the rubble.
Doing the Lord's Work
Vicars on the job.
Are you ready for Digital Ornithology?
Analogue birds are about to be switched off.
Moroccan Dancing Moles
David Attenburger's Wonderful World of Nature.
Ricky Stratocaster's History of Rock
Jehovah's Cleaners
Because cleanliness is nexr to godliness.
Top Twenty Albums of the '70s
With Ricky Stratocaster, professor of twangology.
Veg-U-Like
Tomatoes, cauliflower, brussel sprouts and peas - collect the whole set.
Historic Knees
Knees of outstanding natural beauty.
Puzzle Page!
With the amazing Mr Ooluv.
Not Funny
Prof Jez Moonbeam is laughable.
It's All in the Game
Classic board games from the past.
The Kidderminster Lemon Exchange
Open now for faster, more reliable lemon exchange.
Lillywhite Lenny
On the importance of staying on the fecking horse.
The Shepton Bassett Village Fete
In aid of the St Tiddles in the Font Restoration Fund.
An Old Fart Remembers
Do you remember Puthering Day?
The National Key Museum!
We've got keys!
Mrs Womble writes...
Mr Bannerman's Evidence
Courtroom confusion.
Maisy Donnington's Cheese Etiquette Page
Your guide to the wonderful world of cheese.
The Bleeding Obvious
You pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
Caught by the Fuzz
New Recruitment Initiatives within the UK Police Force.
For Kids of All Ages...
Introducing our new range of children's books.
Knitting in Colour
This day in 1956 saw the introduction of the first regular colour knitting patterns.
Well Stuffed
Rogue taxidermist terrorises family pets.
Cosmos Rocks
In an infinite universe, there is no limit to human gullibility.
Dolby Noise Reduction Sausages
Cut out the hiss next breakfast time.
Hear and Now
For collectors of rare and unusual sounds.
Buttock Express
Your arse in our hands.
The Square Root of Green
Fresh breakthrough in the science of colourology.
The Montreux Clinic For Aural Readjustment
Get your wonky flappers straightened here
Machiavelli Management Solutions
Discipline over distance.
Help a Pirate in Need
These buccaneers desperately need your support.
Dream Strides
Emergency trousers delivered direct to your anxiety nightmare.
Core Competencies in Office Furniture
Sign up for a certificate in filing cabinets.
Linguini!
Learn to speak fluent pasta.
Tripping the Dark Fantastic
Hello darkness my old friend
Bristletech Industries
Do you need to grow a beard? Fast?
Some more stupid than others.
Barry Buys a Broom
Dirty Doings at Featherstone Manor
Board Meeting
The Day Before Tomnorrow
Tall Story in a Short Glass
The Hedgehog King
The Mystery of the Shitfaced Man
Venus by Catapult
You Again
Death, Doom and Disaster
Goldilocks and the Free Bears
Cosmic Background Apathy
Will the universe keep expanding until it can't be bothered anymore?
Typists of the Kalahari
Shorthand tigers and double entry hippos.
Cock
The magazine for young gentlemen.
Amateur Stamp Collector Collector
Want to know how much to pay for a Nigel Tomlinson?
Fine Dining
with Woodroffe Spanker
Maxi-Lingual for Motorists
Curse fluently in over six languages.
Punctuation Crisis
We're running out of apostrophes.
Criminal Offence Self-Assessment Form
Tick the box if you're a wrong 'un.
Pigchums
Meet likeminded pigs in your area!
A Sustained Corporate Battering
We're concerned about Mr Pyle
Galactic Phrasebook
Learn to speak Venusian!
Bad Grandma Grammar
The inappropriate erection of words.
The Battersea Wigs Home
We never put a healthy wig down.
Gentlemen's Etiquette
How to behave right proper and all that.
Sounds of Nature
Relax with chickens.
International Arse Kicking
Bottom kicking for fun and profit.
The Prime Time Gameshow Generator
As used by TV executives worldwide.
Death By Pastry
A huge pie just hanging in space.
Kicking Up a New Stink
Breakthrough leads to discovery of new smell.
Cut Price Chips
You like chips? You like lots of chips?
Neighbor Nightmares: The Movie
Two men, one drive, no prisoners.
Product Recall
Some of our biscuits may contain canoes.
Fatquake
A sad farewell to the world's fatest man.
Man Blames ESA for Domestic Eclipse
Mr Cravat is not happy about where they park their stuff.
The Alternative Olympics
Speed swingball and dodgem rallying.
Buy Our Shampoo
Just buy it, ok.
Emergency Kebabs
When you absolutely positively need a kebab.
Pigmongering
Fergus Pong introduces us to this dying art.
Songs of Inspiration
Jesus Wants Me For His Darts Team.
Topping Talent
Featuring the Marvellous Undersea Kingdom of Colin Chocolate.
No Offence
The Right Honourable David McGog unapologetically apologises.
Marmaduke Irksome: A Retrospective
Talking crap in the House of Commons.
Debt Matters
Making you aware of your debt.
Eazee-post
Taking the pain out of internet forums.
Petty Complaints Ombudsman
Giving your batshit insade complaints the respect they deserve.
No More Glasses!
Fry sausages with just a wink of the eye.
Sugar Free Vegan Diesel
There's no butter in it either.
The Language of Dance
Jazz hands and quickstep.
The Trivial Accident Group
Have you been slightly inconvenienced at work?
Have you got what it takes to stay in the country?
Be a great Briton. Or get out.
Jazz Bomb
Raw unadulterated jazz.
Anti-Assertiveness Classes
Tone it down a bit.
Cooker Island
Where the toasters roam free.
Arty Tomatoes
Guy Pakker's latest artistic venture.
Introducing Flying Squirrels
Flying into the side of a house at forty knots...
The Devil's Arse On Tour
Famous cavern to tour country
What Is It?
How what why when who where and when? Hello?
Persons Unknown
Mr Frampton is looking for somoeone to blame.
Butterfly
Prof Jim Spanners explains chaos theory
Gerald de Scooter's Restaurant Guide
Top notch swanky grub,
World of the Wacky
With the Amazing Mr Ooluv
Traffic Watch
Heavy vibes are causing delays on the A52.
Greygolds Residential Care Home
Where quality care costs extra.
Why Your Printer Doesn't Work
Most of these devices are allergic to paper.
Barry the Road Safety Owl
No nonsense advice from a wise old bird
The Wonderful World of Ants
Ants, ants, ants, ants!
Dougal Fridgely
Possible dwarf planet discovered in Tadcaster
The Delusion of J Henry Proudfoot
We meet an alien archaeologist.
The Beaufort Scale
Slight wafts and uninvited pumps.
Nuclear Garden
Mr Sideboard is not happy about his exploding shed.
Dobbins of Doncaster
Get yourself a quality ass.
Rationalising Britain's River Network
Britain's waterways need straightening,
Wind Tunnel Technician
Pardon?
Your Staff Feedback, Your Way
Tired of hearing from ungrateful and misguided staff?
Nobby Wentworth's Pet Surgery
Save cash - fix your own pets in the comfort of your own home.
How Long is a Piece of String?
The hit gameshow for all the family.
Shepton Bassett - A Vision for the Future
Better late than never, our town plan.
Pooley's Fire Distinguisher
Put paid to that firey bullshit.
The Thoroughfare of Success
Dick Smidgen teaches you how to live your life but better.
Global Moistening
Fear of a wet planet.
Motorcycle Display Teams
A bunch of blokes twatting about on bikes.
Food Banking
MPs praise growing industry.
Is Your Tortoise Roadworthy?
Important news from the Ministry of Tortoises.
Maisy Donnington's Guide to Perking Yourself Up
Turn that frown upside down.
The Horse-Drawn Record Player
Equestrian technology.
Forward to the '80s
How we'll all be travelling in the '80s.
The Long Range Trouser Forecast
Overnight corduroys and occasional dungarees.
Blood Donors Needed
Please bleed into the envelope provided.
Harry Carson is Watching You
It's a man's life as a modern store detective.
'Ello 'Ello 'Ello, What's All This Then?
Presenting The Metropolitan Police Choir.
Squeak Off
The big noise in footwear technology.
Inside the Nun Factory
Where do nuns come from?
Exploding Dinners
Put the fun back into dinner time.
Doing Lengths
Mr Zing is swimming from pole to pole
Operation Mutton
The millitary applications of sheep during WWII.
Munchy Burger
Can you cut the mustard as a top burger executive?
Spread the Good Word!
Your chance to buy shares in the Salvation Army!
Diagnosis
Professor Wimple has a dirty mouth.
Bare-knuckle Snooker
The biggest threat to law and order since badminton
Dilbert's Donkey Solutions
Professional donkey storage.
Spooky Doings
The magazine of weird and improbable stuff.
Oven Chimps
With none of the greasy aftertaste of regular monkeys.
One-Sided Dice
One-Sided Dice for Fatalists.
How To Be Sweary
with Professor Timothy Bottom.
All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth 2000-2026, and may not be reproduced without the express permission of the author. All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. || Picture Credits: P.Farnsworth/morguefile.com/craiyon.com. || Privacy Notice: this site does not collect, store or otherwise process your personal data. Sorry, but I'm not the slightest bit interested in you.
