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24 August 2020

The Wilderness: A Survivor's Guide

with Alec Bivouac

Very few people will ever find themselves lost and alone in the wilderness after setting off on a short trip to the supermarket. But sat navs can go wrong, freak weather conditions do happen, and there's always a risk that you could inadvertently find yourself wandering aimlessly across the slopes of a remote mountain, entwined in some dark and impenetrable jungle, or trapped on a desert island.

Could you survive?

The answer is yes, just as long as you follow a few basic survival tips. My name is Alec Bivouac and my adventures have taken me to every corner of the planet, not always intentionally. If you find yourself lost in the wilderness, my advice is guaranteed to get you, and your shopping, home safe and reasonably sound.

Shelter

Guess what, there are no four star hotels where you're going, so your first priority is to find shelter. It can be tempting to make use of a convenient cave, but your problem is that you don't know what's living there already: bears, big cats, squirrels. And they're going to turn nasty when they find out their home has been invaded. I lost a very good friend when he chose to make his base in a cave that was occupied by a horde of wild chickens. The search team found him in the morning, covered in blood and feathers, having been pecked to death in the night.

Shelter

To avoid this grisly fate you're going to have to build your own shelter, and for this you'll need to make sure you use the right materials. You'll want something sturdy that's going to protect you from the elements and keep you safe from wolves. We all remember the story of the three little pigs. Make your shelter out of sticks or straw and pretty soon you're going to be bacon. Unfortunately, bricks are in short supply in the wilderness, so in the absence of a decent building supplies outlet you're going to have to improvise. In 2002 I was marooned on a blip of an island in the Indian Ocean, and I managed to make a pretty decent shelter out of tortoise shells. It can be a little difficult to persuade the tortoises to stay where you put them, but usually if you keep them supplied with lettuce they will behave themselves. Luckily, wherever you find tortoises you usually find lettuce.

Survival Checklist:

  • Find tortoises
  • Find lettuce
  • Watch out for the wild chickens

Sustenance

Custard Tree

Your next problem is going to be finding food. What are you going to eat? You can't eat the tortoises, you'd be literally eating yourself out of house and home. When I was stranded in Borneo, I was fortunate enough to have brought a Twix with me, and by sucking the chocolate off and then nibbling a little bit at a time I was able to make it last most of the week. But what do you do once your chocolate stash has run out?

Snake meat is one option that is often suggested, but snakes are notoriously stringy and difficult to digest, so more often than not you're better off just sucking the tail. But even this is not as straightforward as you might think, since the snake is likely to turn around and have words with you, and this can be very embarrassing.

However, with some knowledge of common flora you can quite easily get the nourishment you need. Take the custard tree, for example. This grows quite readily in most parts of the world and when tapped can supply a steady stream of tasty, nutritious custard. The tree can be identified quite easily due to its distinctive yellow and purple leaves. Drive a sharpened stick into the trunk and you will have enough custard to last a month or more. Be careful though, tree custard is under considerable pressure and once punctured the resultant custard geyser can cause serious injury, or worse. A very good friend of mine fell victim to a custard tree incident only last year. When they found him, almost every bone is his body had been shattered and his lungs were full of the stuff. It was a dreadful but delicious way to go.

Survival Checklist:

  • Find custard tree
  • Stand well back
  • Don't go around sucking snakes

Water

Water

Generally when it comes to water you'll either have too much of it (monsoon season) or too little (your standard desert). If you've got too much of it then you're biggest concern is going to be staying afloat. I find that two armadillos, correctly inflated to the right pressure, make ideal floatation aids. How do you inflate an armadillo to the right pressure, I hear you ask? Well, it's really quite simple: you just put your finger over one end then blow down the other.

Not having enough water is a much bigger problem. Your best bet is groundwater or, as I like to call it, Earth juice. If you dig down deep enough you will reach the water table and be able to access a plentiful supply of fresh water. Or you could get really lucky, like I did when I got lost in the Gobi Desert in 2014, and hit a water main. Of course, success is not guaranteed. A good friend of mine has just been designated missing presumed dead - they found the hole he was digging but weren't able to reach the bottom of it. As far as we know he's still digging.

Survival Checklist:

  • If it's dry, dig for water
  • If it's wet, don't dig for water - you can't dig your way out of a flood
  • Remember to put your finger over one end

Fire

Fire is what separates us from the animals - apart from fire ants, or course, which are the only species known to be capable of starting a barbecue. Our ancient ancestors were able to create fire using just a few twigs and a piece of flint - and they are generally thought by most anthropologists to have been a bit thick, so if they could do it then you've got no excuse. However, it still means that you have to find a bit of flint, and even if you were lucky in this regard, bashing away at a rock for half the day is a lot of hard work. That's a significant amount of energy that you're expending, energy that you're much better off holding in reserve in case you need to fight off tigers, crocodiles or wild chickens.

Fire

Thankfully, nature has provided us with a ready-made supply of fire from the sky: lightning. Catching a bolt of lightning is not really as difficult as it seems, just has long as you're careful and you keep your fingers out of the way. You need to be patient, obviously, you need to find a high spot and you need something sturdy to catch your lightning in: a metal bucket, a coconut or a turtle shell, for instance. Just don't do what a good friend of mine did when he lost his way while climbing in the Andes. The lack of oxygen having seriously clouded his judgement, he scrambled to the summit of the nearest mountain during a thunderstorm, bared his arse to the sky and shouted, "Come on Prometheus, do your worst!" They found his teeth, still smoking, in the car park of a convenience store in La Paz.

Survival Checklist:

  • Don't waste time rubbing sticks together
  • Find something sturdy to put your lightning in
  • Keep your trousers on

Rescue

Your ultimate aim, obviously, is to survive long enough to be rescued, unless you're some kind of weirdo who wants to live off custard for the rest of your life. But what is the best way of attracting the attention of a rescue party? The first step is to be someone who is worth rescuing, and for this you need to have put in the groundwork in advance: being a generally likeable person, not being a dick, that sort of thing. It also helps if you're rich and important, of course.

By the time you've got yourself stranded, however, there's not a lot you can do about this so it's a question of working with what you've got. You'll be pleased to learn that there are a few tried and tested methods. You could climb a tree and shout for help, although this does depend to a large degree on how loud you are and how close your potential rescuers are. You could spell out a message using rocks so that it could be read from the air, but please try to avoid just writing 'Help'. It's so clichéd and unlikely to get anyone's attention. Instead, try to write something witty and original: perhaps a pithy remark about coconuts, or something. For best results you want something that's going to go viral.

Bottle

By far your best option is to put a message in a bottle - contrary to popular belief this is surprisingly effective. It even works if you're nowhere near water - a desert or a jungle, for example - you just have to be a lot more patient. The key to this method is that your message must be properly addressed. When I found myself drifting helplessly on a raft in the South Atlantic, I addressed my message to the RNLI lifeboat station at Burnham-on-Sea and was rescued within a matter of hours. Just don't make the same mistake as a good friend of mine, who addressed his message to 'Whomever it may concern'. The problem is that everyone who received it assumed it was meant for someone else. I certainly did, anyway - I mean, I've known the guy for years and if he can't bring himself to address me by name, then frankly he can rot.

Survival Checklist:

  • Bring a bottle
  • Address your note correctly
  • Don't write to me, because I'm not going to help you


10 August 2020

The Language of Dance

Dance Wars

Dancer

The Mungovian ambassador to Wasidia has come in for criticism after apologising for his country's historical role in the colonisation of the tiny island state. Mungovia invaded Wasidia in 1882 and occupied the island for almost sixty years, before finally granting it independence in 1940. Many people feel that the official apology has come a little late, but what is really making Wasidians so angry is that the ambassador chose to deliver it through the medium of dance.

"Dance is very important in Mungovia," said the Ambassador. "It is a very solemn and stately activity, and a traditional way of showing respect and honouring nobility."

The Ambassador's 'solemn and stately' apology took the form of a three minute video message in which he danced to 'YMCA' by The Village People, with all the actions and in full costume (he was the motorcycle cop). Not surprisingly, the people of Wasidia have judged the apology to be less than sincere and, during a recent session of the United Nations, Wasidia's permanent representative responded by doing the Macarena, while the foreign minister accompanied her on a kazoo.

There have been suggestions of Mungovia retaliating with the chicken dance and in Wasidia they are openly talking about flossing in the streets. There are genuine fears that the situation could rapidly escalate to the point where one side goes nuclear - Gangnam Style - and nobody wants to see that.

Plans are currently being drawn up for a UN Peacekeeping Dance Troupe to be parachuted into the region and there will be harsh penalties for anyone caught moving in an even remotely rhythmic way.

 

Just how effective is dance as a form of communication?

We asked professional dancing person, Judith Twirl

UBO: Hello professional dancing person, Judith Twirl. Please tell us, how effective is dance as a form of communication?

JUDITH: Hello interviewer person. Well of course dance is the most intimate and personal form of self-expression and we all have an innate understanding of movement and form. Thus, when I do this...

At this point Judith gracefully lifts her arms into the air while slowly sliding the top of her foot up her calf, then suddenly and dramatically droops and finishes in a low bow.

JUDITH: ... You instantly know what I'm trying to convey

UBO: Yes, you've got an itch.

JUDITH: No, it means I'm sad.

UBO: Yes. You're sad because you've got an itchy leg.

JUDITH: No, I'm just sad. This is the power of dance. At the heart of each performance there is truth. It's a form of communication that bypasses mere words and instead reaches for something deeper?

UBO: Okay then, let's say that I was in my local newsagents. How would I use dance to tell the person behind the counter that I wanted a Mars bar?

JUDITH: Well it's not really about that kind of communication. It's more about the fundamental thoughts and feelings that drive deeply at what it is to be human.

UBO: I think wanting a Mars bar is highly suggestive of what it is to be human. Some come on, how would I say 'Give me a Mars bar'?

JUDITH: Well, how about...

Judith places her hands on her stomach, sidesteps to the left, spins around and finishes with jazz hands.

JUDITH: I think that would do it.

UBO: On the contrary - I think that would get me thrown out. That doesn't so much say 'Give me a Mars bar' as 'I'm a dangerous lunatic who has just escaped from a secure institution, call the police immediately and tell them to bring a big net'.

JUDITH: Ok, well, I think what you need to understand is that the language of dance is about broad strokes rather than detail.

UBO: Broad strokes? You're talking about painting now?

JUDITH: No, it was a metaphor. You see -

UBO: Hang on - metaphor. That's quite a complex linguistic concept. How would you use dance to convey a metaphor?

JUDITH: Well now, in many ways, all dance is metaphorical.

UBO: So it's just the purely literal that you struggle with?

JUDITH: No! No! No!

At this point Judith repeatedly beat her fist into the palm of her hand, from which I was able to deduce that she was conveying anger and frustration.

JUDITH: Your problem is that you are dance-illiterate.

UBO: No, 'illiterate' can't be the right word. If 'innumerate' is numbers, what's dance?

JUDITH: No matter how hard we try, there are always philistines like you who refuse to open your minds to wider forms of artistic expression.

UBO: 'Terpsichorean' - that relates to dance, doesn't it? So the word would be 'interpsichorate', I guess.

JUDITH: Whatever.

Without warning, Judith lunges at me, slaps me several times about the face, knees me in the groin and then waltzes off. From this performance I conclude the our interview is at an end and, as I tenderly clutch my aching plums, I can't help but reflect that, in the final analysis, she did indeed manage to drive deeply and quite forcefully at what it is to be human. Ouch.

 

The Language of Dance: An Introduction

A handy guide to some common expressions you can use in everyday life.

Dancer

 


"Hello, could you please tell me the way to the train station? Thank you."

Dancer

 


"I would like to return this deluxe four-slot electric toaster. It is faulty."

Dancer

 


"Would you kindly instruct your dog to stop widdling on my foot?"

Dancer

 


"I am most awfully and terribly sorry that my country invaded your country in 1882."

 


06 July 2020

Introducing the Spellchecker Pen

 

 

Now at last, the Moonbeam Easywrite Ballpoint with built-in spellchecker!

The handwritten letter has just entered a new age, thanks to Professor Jez Moonbeam's revolutionary new invention.

 

  • Spellchecks words as you write
  • Suggests synonyms
  • Autocompletes sentences
  • Writes in 12 different fonts

 

One satisfied customer writes:

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Plus: Order now and get a free surround sound ruler and a Wi-Fi enabled pencil sharpener.

Moonbeamm Industries

 

 


02 June 2020

Refuse and Recycling Guide

Please help us to help you to avoid incurring a hefty fine by ensuring that you dispose of your refuse in the correct manner. The following guide shows which bins should be used and the collection days for your area.

Black bin

Type

  • General household waste

Collection

Every other Tuesday

Green bin

Type

  • Paper, cardboard and plastics
  • Waste blubber

Collection

Occasional Mondays

Purple bin

Type

  • Body parts
  • Organic fluids
  • Waste waists

Collection

First Tuesday in Lent

Blue bin

Type

  • Daydreams, strange thoughts and abstract concepts

Collection

January-April

Yellow bin

Type

  • Viscous non-volatile liquids
  • Smells (various)

Collection

Late summer

Gold bin

Type

  • Household pets

Collection

Wednesday afternoon at 2.30pm

Light blue bin

Type

  • Illegal electrical items
  • Incriminating evidence

Collection

When we feel like it

Orange bin

Type

  • VHS editions of Apocalypse Now
  • Paperback copies of Jaws by Peter Benchley
  • Old Monopoly sets with half the property cards missing
  • Signed copies of Push by Bros

Collection

When you're not expecting it

PLEASE NOTE:
The following items CANNOT be collected as part of your household waste.

Nuclear symbol

Nuclear waste

Nuclear symbol

Machine parts

Nuclear symbol

Amphibians

Nuclear symbol

Spare physicists

Nuclear symbol

The A42 between Loughborough and Ashby-de-la-Zouch

Nuclear symbol

Custard

 

IMPORTANT

All bins left out for collection will be recycled.

If you do not want your bin to be recycled please either place a note on it saying 'Please do not recycle my bin', or place your recycling loose on the road outside your property.

Notes pinned to bins will not be recycled.

Please make sure any smells are securely secured within the secure containers provided.

Gravy bins will be emptied when we feel like it. Please apply to the town bailiff if you would like your treacle tank siphoned. Do not, under any circumstances, bring out your dead.


06 May 2020

Stupid Stories

Out now, available from Amazon

Stupid Stories

These eleven short stories, previously featured on The University of the Bleeding Obvious, plus two brand new tales, take us to a lost island where kitchen appliances have turned feral, to a fold in time normally hidden from view of ordinary mortals, and to the dark and deathly lair of the Hedgehog King. We join an intrepid adventurer as he attempts to catapult himself to Venus, eavesdrop on the plans and plots of devils and demons, and marvel at the eminent Monsieur La Cranque's attempts to unlock The Mystery of the Shit Faced Man.

There's also a poem, but it's very short, so don't let that put you off.

Includes:

  • Cooker Island
  • Dirty Doings at Featherstone Manor
  • Jacob Wanting
  • Made in Heaven
  • Venus by Catapult
  • Board Meeting
  • Tall Story in a Short Glass
  • Donna Quixote
  • Scrufty's Magic Juju Shoppe
  • The Hedgehog King
  • The Mystery of the Shit Faced Man
  • Noblock and Kerfanderbuck
  • The Day Before Tomorrow
  • The Last Supper

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Blog Index

Archive 1

February 2001
- July 2003

Cooker Island

"Rogue cookers..."

Well Stuffed

"Police are warning animal lovers of a rogue taxidermist at large...."


Sofas Are From Mars

"A sofa on the surface of Mars..."

Vicars on the Job

"Doing the Lord's work..."

more...

 

 

Nobby Wentworth's Pet Surgery

"What do you do when you find that your parrot's got jet lag..."


One-Sided Post-it Note

"All front and no back..."

DIY Olympics

"The 600 metres wallpapering, the freestyle tiling and the gloss painting relay..."

Diagnosis

"Welcome to today's edition of Diagnosis..."

more...

Transatlantic Gardening

Across the Atlantic by land

Official Apologies

We're very very sorry

Fish

Piscine intelligence

Unconventional Weapons

Was itching powder used in Vietnam?

Toaster Suicide

Death by appliance.

What Do Your Keys Say About You?

Keyreading for beginners

  Maxilingual for Motorists

Swearing in foreign

Highway Robbery

Stolen roads

Wilmington Cake Repairs

Cracked fondant and crumpled muffins

Tracey's Mobile Hair

Troubled by unruly hair?

More...
Arty Tomatoes
Animals
Professional Scarer
more
Kicking and Screaming

Prologue: Peanuts

You Don't Have to be Mad to Work Here...

Machiavelli Management Solutions

The Bleeding Obvious

Exploding Dogs

Baby's First Swear

Scrufty's Magic Juju Shop

Pigmongering

Empire of the Flowers

Scumm

Mrs Wilberforce and the River

Epilogue: Persons Unknown

Golfing bird
The Hedgehog King Board Meeting Goldilocks and the Free Bears Death Doom and Disaster Tall Story in a Short Glass Venus by Catapult Barry Buys a Broom
The History of Rock
Extreme DinosaursTeaching Carrots to FlyStandard British NunsExtreme Dinosaurs
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All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth 2000-2020, and may not be reproduced without the express permission of the author. All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.


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