Is Your Tortoise Roadworthy?
Important news from the Ministry of Tortoises.
The Devil's Arse On Tour
Famous cavern to tour country
Barney's Magic Wonder Show
Belinda Sommers reviews the latest production.
The Beaufort Scale
Slight wafts and uninvited pumps.
One-Sided Dice
One-Sided Dice for Fatalists.
Petty Complaints Ombudsman
Giving your batshit insade complaints the respect they deserve.
Machiavelli Management Solutions
Discipline over distance.
Are you ready for Digital Ornithology?
Analogue birds are about to be switched off.
Fine Dining
with Woodroffe Spanker
Twenty-First Century Scouting
A woggle for the new miilenium.
Your Staff Feedback, Your Way
Tired of hearing from ungrateful and misguided staff?
Operation Mutton
The millitary applications of sheep during WWII.
The Aromatron
A whole new world of smells awaits you.
International Arse Kicking
Bottom kicking for fun and profit.
Baby's First Swear
Teach your little angel to swear like a trooper.
Pigmongering
Fergus Pong introduces us to this dying art.
Words of wisdom from our resident medic
...Tigers ...Moles ...Farm Machinery ...Hypnotism ...Fruit ...Soap ...Implants ...Pianos ...Happy Clappers ...The Environment
Dobbins of Doncaster
Get yourself a quality ass.
A Fistful of Sausages
Brought to you by the meat marketing board.
An Open Letter to Shepton Bassett Park & Zoo
Sorry about your monkeys.
A Career in Printing
Why not specialise in the colour green?
Astralguard
Insurance for Astral Travellers.
The Discovery of Vitamin G
Great moments in science.
Top Twenty Albums of the '70s
With Ricky Stratocaster, professor of twangology.
Core Competencies in Office Furniture
Sign up for a certificate in filing cabinets.
Skydiving
Skydiving without the unnecessary inconvenience of a parachute.
10 Things You Never Knew About Frogs
Frogtastic Facts
Gin!
Gin, gin and more gin!
Veg-U-Like
Tomatoes, cauliflower, brussel sprouts and peas - collect the whole set.
The Great Space Exhibition
Glorious innovations and technical marvels!
Kicking Up a New Stink
Breakthrough leads to discovery of new smell.
A Ding-Dong Duvets
Prof Reynaud pulls a fast one.
Butterfly
Prof Jim Spanners explains chaos theory
Pigchums
Meet likeminded pigs in your area!
Greygolds Residential Care Home
Where quality care costs extra.
The Kidderminster Lemon Exchange
Open now for faster, more reliable lemon exchange.
Petunia Mulch
Plant psychologist.
Art
Selwyn Peach paints Elephants
Topping Talent
Featuring the Marvellous Undersea Kingdom of Colin Chocolate.
Sugar Free Vegan Diesel
There's no butter in it either.
Scoop!
Local frog trapped in drain.
The Wonderful World of Ants
Ants, ants, ants, ants!
Dolby Noise Reduction Sausages
Cut out the hiss next breakfast time.
Dark Batter
Is the missing mass in the Universe actually pastry?
It's All in the Game
Classic board games from the past.
Not Funny
Prof Jez Moonbeam is laughable.
An Important Announcement about Fish
Clever trout and erudite pilcards.
Travel News
Cowboys on the line and bricked up tunnels,
Caught by the Fuzz
New Recruitment Initiatives within the UK Police Force.
Maxi-Lingual for Motorists
Curse fluently in over six languages.
Motorcycle Display Teams
A bunch of blokes twatting about on bikes.
The Delusion of J Henry Proudfoot
We meet an alien archaeologist.
Jaggedy
Mrs Lubricant wants a tidiery Britain.
History in Focus
An elbow shaker and a lickspittling mumblecrust
World of Holes
Europe's leading stockist of quality holes.
The World Bullshit Record
Team bonding, goal setting and table top brainstorming
Debt Matters
Making you aware of your debt.
Knitting in Colour
This day in 1956 saw the introduction of the first regular colour knitting patterns.
Something Happened on Tuesday
Probably, but we're not sure what.
World of the Wacky
With the Amazing Mr Ooluv
Drive-by Wallpapering
Delinquent decorating.
Blood Donors Needed
Please bleed into the envelope provided.
Feathered Friends
Could you befriend a lonely parrot?
We're No Longer Recruiting...
...but here are some of the unlucky applicants
Spooky Doings
The magazine of weird and improbable stuff.
Pooley's Fire Distinguisher
Put paid to that firey bullshit.
Neighbor Nightmares: The Movie
Two men, one drive, no prisoners.
The Bleeding Obvious
You pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
Munchy Burger
Can you cut the mustard as a top burger executive?
Cold Fusion Sandwiches
A new era in atomic lunches.
Songs of Inspiration
Jesus Wants Me For His Darts Team.
The Alternative Olympics
Speed swingball and dodgem rallying.
Fats Porker - Blues Whinger
In memory of Crappsville's finest son.
Tax, What Tax?
Sir John Wyndrell has never heard of his own company.
Cosmic Background Apathy
Will the universe keep expanding until it can't be bothered anymore?
Rod Stewart and Enya's Rock 'n' Roll Mysteries
Solving crimes and fighting bad guys.
SciFi Fan Draws a Blank
Publisher leaves pages blank to cut costs.
Noblock and Kerfanderbuck
All smileytangled cockrock strop.
Man Blames ESA for Domestic Eclipse
Mr Cravat is not happy about where they park their stuff.
Stuff Your Bleeding Job
How to resign digracefully.
Empire of the Flowers
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Operation Growbag.
Selling Crap for Fun and Profit
The very best in useless tat.
Mr Bannerman's Evidence
Courtroom confusion.
Barry the Road Safety Owl
No nonsense advice from a wise old bird
Jars-4-u
Get your jars opened by a professional jar opener!
Why Your Printer Doesn't Work
Most of these devices are allergic to paper.
What Is It?
How what why when who where and when? Hello?
Evening Courses
Pseudo-academic subjects and frivolous arts and crafts courses.
Carter-Pierrepoint
Particulate mapping of key delivery nodes.
Donald Fact's Fact Breakers
Remembering the classic '70s kids' show.
Anti-Assertiveness Classes
Tone it down a bit.
Cosmos Rocks
In an infinite universe, there is no limit to human gullibility.
Fleegle
New number has consequences for the future of the universe. And bingo.
Centuri Space Supplies
Second hand space travel
Quality Service at Pooley's
With our motoring correspondent, Martin Carburetor.
Introducing Flying Squirrels
Flying into the side of a house at forty knots...
Doing the Lord's Work
Vicars on the job.
Ralph Trundle: F1 Driver
We talk to a legend of the circuit
Scrufty's Magic Juju Shoppe
A tale of oconker mismanagement.
'Ello 'Ello 'Ello, What's All This Then?
Presenting The Metropolitan Police Choir.
Fraudulent Bananas
Phony fruit.
Bad Grandma Grammar
The inappropriate erection of words.
Mathew Sandblaster-Trogg
A bouncy little freak.
Rob Hammond's Essential Guide to Buddhism
Rob Hammond will give you a spiritual kicking,
Dilbert's Donkey Solutions
Professional donkey storage.
Rationalising Britain's River Network
Britain's waterways need straightening,
Wind Tunnel Technician
Pardon?
The Horse-Drawn Record Player
Equestrian technology.
Mr Gammon's Objections
Shepton Bassett Council Responds
Night of the Womble
Unpublished Womble book is dystopian nightmare.
Thinking of Buying an Octopus?
How to look after your squishy friend.
The Embarrasment of Nasal Hair Loss
Nostril wigs for all occasions
It's a Fact
Fun facts from the Fact Master. Fank you.
Cooker Island
Where the toasters roam free.
Cash for Pets
Trade in your unwanted dog.
Christopher Columbus Discoveries Inc
If you've lost it, Chris will find it.
Punctuation Crisis
We're running out of apostrophes.
Teaching Carrots to Fly
The cutting edge of vegetable warfare.
The Square Root of Green
Fresh breakthrough in the science of colourology.
What's On in Lower Bumpstead
A packed programme, following that unfortunate incident with the fire eater.
Doing Lengths
Mr Zing is swimming from pole to pole
So You've Got a New Manager?
How to stop it crapping in your in tray.
Welcome to Stick World
If you like sticks, well, we've got sticks.
Product Recall
Some of our biscuits may contain canoes.
Space Things
The continuing adventures of Astro Cat.
Cock
The magazine for young gentlemen.
Announcing the iSpong
Totally changing the way that people spong in the future.
For Kids of All Ages...
Introducing our new range of children's books.
Metal Detecting
German U-Boat Found on Devon Beach.
Ricky Stratocaster's History of Rock
Exploding Dinners
Put the fun back into dinner time.
How Long is a Piece of String?
The hit gameshow for all the family.
Cut Price Chips
You like chips? You like lots of chips?
It's a Fact!
More facts from the Funky Fact Feller.
The Battersea Wigs Home
We never put a healthy wig down.
Persons Unknown
Mr Frampton is looking for somoeone to blame.
Jehovah's Cleaners
Because cleanliness is nexr to godliness.
Digital Vicars
The secret ways that vicars communicate?
New Deposits of Earwax Discovered
Significant quantities discovered in Mr Harry Frome
Staff Handbook
A handy guide to your new workplace.
The Fish Olympics
Piscine polevaulting and haddock hurdles.
National Consumer Instructions Awards
Confusing, badly translated or just plain weird.
Mrs Womble writes...
Brick II
Recycling the rubble.
Sounds of Nature
Relax with chickens.
Fatquake
A sad farewell to the world's fatest man.
Slugbond
Because an inflated slug is a happy slug.
Emergency Kebabs
When you absolutely positively need a kebab.
Professional Scarer
GRRRRRR! AAAAARRRRGH! GRRRR!
Harry Carson is Watching You
It's a man's life as a modern store detective.
Sofas are From Mars...
The race to put the first sofa on Mars.
Wisbech
Theft of town exposed as hoax.
Comfy Dinners
A meal fit for a bed.
Help a Pirate in Need
These buccaneers desperately need your support.
St Tiddles in the Font
Parish newsletter.
How to Look After Your Cement Mixer
A great addition to any home.
A Sustained Corporate Battering
We're concerned about Mr Pyle
Out and About
The International Toast Museum and other attractions.
Shave the Moon
Our hairy satellite.
Eazee-post
Taking the pain out of internet forums.
Poot
Bigger, Better, Faster, Now!
The Thoroughfare of Success
Dick Smidgen teaches you how to live your life but better.
Puzzle Page!
With the amazing Mr Ooluv.
Some more stupid than others.
Barry Buys a Broom
Dirty Doings at Featherstone Manor
Board Meeting
The Day Before Tomnorrow
Tall Story in a Short Glass
The Hedgehog King
The Mystery of the Shitfaced Man
Venus by Catapult
You Again
Death, Doom and Disaster
Goldilocks and the Free Bears
Here Comes Barry Smith
Wise words from Shepton Bassett's number one coach driver.
Linguini!
Learn to speak fluent pasta.
Echo...Echo
Mr Clutterbuck has an echo... echo... echo.
Bean Legacy
This summer, Christian Bale is Mr Bean.
No More Glasses!
Fry sausages with just a wink of the eye.
Shepton Bassett - A Vision for the Future
Better late than never, our town plan.
The Trivial Accident Group
Have you been slightly inconvenienced at work?
Well Stuffed
Rogue taxidermist terrorises family pets.
Squeak Off
The big noise in footwear technology.
Short and Curly
Unlocking the power of curly hair.
New Rights for Fictional Characters
It's no longer ok to call Oliver Twist a twat.
Have you got what it takes to stay in the country?
Be a great Briton. Or get out.
Octo-Fever
Are you allergic to octopuses?
The National Key Museum!
We've got keys!
The Montreux Clinic For Aural Readjustment
Get your wonky flappers straightened here
Gerald de Scooter's Restaurant Guide
Top notch swanky grub,
Criminal Offence Self-Assessment Form
Tick the box if you're a wrong 'un.
Dream Strides
Emergency trousers delivered direct to your anxiety nightmare.
Buttock Express
Your arse in our hands.
Historic Knees
Knees of outstanding natural beauty.
An Old Fart Remembers
Do you remember Puthering Day?
Donald Fact's Fact Blast
It's a Fact, brought to you by Crunchy Flakes.
Shark Fishing
Fergus Pong has a shark problem.
Things Fall Over All the Time
Arthur's train only has wheels on one side.
Traffic Watch
Heavy vibes are causing delays on the A52.
Lillywhite Lenny
On the importance of staying on the fecking horse.
The Sandwich Advisor
Buying a sandwich is the third most stressful thing you can do.
Forward to the '80s
How we'll all be travelling in the '80s.
The Unusual Suspects
A message from Det. Insp. Barker Harris.
Arty Tomatoes
Guy Pakker's latest artistic venture.
Galactic Phrasebook
Learn to speak Venusian!
Brixham Trouser Museum
The UK 's premier trouser experience.
Tony Fold's Country Rambles
with guest rambler, Rory Triffic.
Cheese Genome Finally Cracked!
Scientific proof of the existence of cheese.
How To Be Sweary
with Professor Timothy Bottom.
The Ultimate Procrastination Suite
Just been handed a project but can't be bothered to get started?
Auras by Post?
Spruce up your chakras
Marmaduke Irksome: A Retrospective
Talking crap in the House of Commons.
Mind Your Wind
Issued by the Ministry of Gas, 1942.
Bristletech Industries
Do you need to grow a beard? Fast?
Bare-knuckle Snooker
The biggest threat to law and order since badminton
Piffin: A Mediterranean Paradise
Boasting Europe's biggest landfill.
Typists of the Kalahari
Shorthand tigers and double entry hippos.
Spread the Good Word!
Your chance to buy shares in the Salvation Army!
Hear and Now
For collectors of rare and unusual sounds.
Diagnosis
Professor Wimple has a dirty mouth.
Ant Facts
with Donald Fact.
Maisy Donnington's Guide to Perking Yourself Up
Turn that frown upside down.
British Gas
Sending foreign gas back home.
Yeti Makeover
Mrs Stenchtrouser is planning an expedition.
A Very Local Paper
All the news that's local to Mr Henry Droop, Littlehampton.
Gentlemen's Etiquette
How to behave right proper and all that.
The Wackiest Person in the UK
Alison Perkins is a mad as a fish.
Crystal N.R.G.
Harnessing the mystical bollocks of the universe.
The Shepton Bassett Village Fete
In aid of the St Tiddles in the Font Restoration Fund.
Award for Outstanding Celebrity
New awards for old has-beens
Maisy Donnington's Office Safety
How to avoid the business end of a stapler.
Bing Crosby Boxing
Punching singers in the mouth.
Extreme Dinosaurs
Skateboarding plesiosaurs, rollerblading raptors and a brontosaurus with a space hopper.
Mr & Mrs Pottle are Lost Again
Why can't these people just stay at home?
Moroccan Dancing Moles
David Attenburger's Wonderful World of Nature.
Inside the Nun Factory
Where do nuns come from?
Happismiles Emergency Clown Service
For when your regular clown lets you down.
Dougal Fridgely
Possible dwarf planet discovered in Tadcaster
So Special
Special beauty therapies for very special people.
Global Moistening
Fear of a wet planet.
The Long Range Trouser Forecast
Overnight corduroys and occasional dungarees.
Death By Pastry
A huge pie just hanging in space.
Old Clothes
Trading Standards warn against dangerously out of date clobber.
Optimum Leaning Angles
How to look cool and interesting at an angle.
Oven Chimps
With none of the greasy aftertaste of regular monkeys.
In the market for a used policeman?
How to spot a dodgy copper.
Tripping the Dark Fantastic
Hello darkness my old friend
The Drivelling
Troubled Hammer film gets new release.
Food Banking
MPs praise growing industry.
Jazz Bomb
Raw unadulterated jazz.
Whose Legs Are These?
The gameshow for all the family
Cake Rage
Pastry related assaults.
Buy Our Shampoo
Just buy it, ok.
Maisy Donnington's Cheese Etiquette Page
Your guide to the wonderful world of cheese.
Nobby Wentworth's Pet Surgery
Save cash - fix your own pets in the comfort of your own home.
No Offence
The Right Honourable David McGog unapologetically apologises.
Amateur Stamp Collector Collector
Want to know how much to pay for a Nigel Tomlinson?
Nuclear Garden
Mr Sideboard is not happy about his exploding shed.
Local Heroes
Outstanding achievements in the field of vandalism.
Know Your Birds
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Modern Day Bird Warfare
The Language of Dance
Jazz hands and quickstep.
Glen Twerk is not at Work
Caveat emptor, quo vadis.
The Prime Time Gameshow Generator
As used by TV executives worldwide.
Grampion Strangely's Mountain Rescue
These vulnderable mountains need your help.
Flexi Mortem
The only credit card you can use after death.
Pretty Pictures
Better management through crayons.
Some People You've Never Heard Of
Rancid Alan Grease and others.
Did Man Really Go To Belgium?
The dark truth behind the Belgian conspiracy
All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth 2000-2025, and may not be reproduced without the express permission of the author. All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. || Picture Credits: P.Farnsworth/morguefile.com/craiyon.com. || Privacy Notice: this site does not collect, store or otherwise process your personal data. Sorry, but I'm not the slightest bit interested in you.
