"If your collarbone is there to keep your shoulders on and your shins give you somewhere to hang your trousers, what is your tailbone for?"
"Did you know that soon the very chair you're sitting on could be illegal?"
The listings site for collectors of rare and unusual noises.
Maisy Donnington gives us the benefit of her considerable experience.
"New research shows that giving senior managers colouring books significantly improves the performance of the companies they work for."
"Fascinating new information has emerged about a Cold War CIA programme to harness the power of bad luck."
"We're here with Quentin Parks, director of the latest movie in the Legion of Ultramen franchise."
"The Totnes Museum of Unidentifiable Smells and other attractions."
"Hello there, my name is Sir Edmund Woggle, former CEO of several leading international investment firms and lifelong Boy Scout..."
"Turns out that it's a slightly pallid shade of yellow."
"Over now to Twickenham for the start of the second day of the International Arse Kicking Championships..."
"The same great Bullshit you know and love, but now even better..."
"A varied and thrilling season of events..."
"So you want to know what it's like to be a store detective?"
"From next year all UK citizens will be required to take the new citizenship test."
"If cows are made of beef and pigs are made of bacon, what are squirrels made of?"
"No one throughout the Enchanted Fairy Kingdom can have failed to have noticed the growing numbers of dragons..."
"Our guest today is David McGog, MP for Shepton Bassett..."
"What colour should the new light on traffic lights be?"
"Do you struggle with those difficult-to-tame locks?"
"Job Application Form Part B"
"Octopussies are fascinating creatures, a great talking point and a handy source of ink..."
"High street outlets selling dangerously out-of-date clothes..."
"My visitor was a rather unpleasant chap indeed and went on at some length about money being owed..."
"Personal development attainment initiatives and actualisational accomplishment targets for goal-achievers in the workplace..."
"Hello, you're though to the environmental health department..."
Maisy Donnington tells us how to beat stress
"Government Minister Rick Boils has been forced to apologise..."
Legendary Hammer film gets new release.
"Visitors to the museum will be able to wander through several galleries containing a wide range of aural exhibits."
"Experts warn of new cable virus."
"Professor Ernest Cartlidge is particularly excited by the discovery and he painted us a vivid picture of life in the prehistoric age."
"Those familiar ingredients of rural life have been replaced by the gentle hum of electrical transformers, the soft whine of server fans and the smell of shit."
"It was with great excitement that Apple announced the impending launch of its new iSpong."
"Leading punctuation expert Professor Connie Brackets announced the worrying news."
"If you've got a drooping rose bush, a sagging hydrangea or a bent tulip..."
"If orange juice is orange and milk is milky, why is water transparent?"
"We spoke to David Chumbly, MP for Waitrose..."
"A posse of be-jodhpured horsefolk tearing down the high street..."
"Motorists are being warned about the following delays and disruptions..."
"Attending a job interview is a stressful occasion..."
"Renovating the knees of a British aristocrat..."
"The UK's most notorious villains."
"Many centres of further education are now offering City and Guilds qualifications in office furniture..."
"Good evening. My name is Malcolm England and today I want to talk to you about British Gas..."
"The new play from celebrated playwright Herman Frogspawn has premiered to fierce criticisms..."
"Police are warning motorists to be vigilant following a series of road thefts..."
"Mounting competition, shrinking profits, roving packs of mutant carrots and a man called Billy who lives in his airing cupboard..."
"Developed as a labour-saving alternative to the wind-up gramophone..."
"Put an end to the embarrassment of head lice..."
"Documents have emerged which suggest that in the 1980s the UK Government was considering selling off its stake in the North Sea."
"Geoff Geoffreys is thrilled to announce that he has invented the Geoffoscope."
"Getting a new manager is a magical time for everyone involved."
"We reckernise the difficulties that many people have communicating in a world dominated by text massaging, the internet and soshul media."
"You've no doubt seen people in the streets selling 'lucky' heather, but have you ever wondered where it comes from and why it's lucky?"
"Most commercially available printers have an inbuilt fear of paper and an inherent antipathy towards ink."
"In September 2011 the UK introduced High Resolution Digital Birdlife."
"A Norfolk man is seeking to sue the local ambulance service after they took nearly three quarters of an hour to respond to a violent outbreak of wind."
"I know: jobs, huh? Booooring! But seriously, getting into the printing industry can be a very rewarding move."
"There are bits of space that are deliciously rocky, bits that are worryingly greasy and dirty great chunks that are excitingly wobbly..."
"Are you rude, cantankerous, bigoted and unpleasant?"
"Scene: A television studio midway through a live broadcast of the regional news programme Aye Up Yorkshire..."
"A new breed of subterranean elephant has been discovered by a team building an extension to the Paris Metro..."
"If recent health scares have taught us anything, it is that public and media alike are obsessed with the possibility of deadly plague..."
"If mountains are made of rocks and oceans are made of rain, what is soil made of?"
"Complaints have ranged from sluggish and unresponsive electrical items, to noisy cables, damaged fuse boxes and smelly sockets..."
"There was frantic action on the Dog Exchange this morning after a sharp dip in Terriers sparked a run on Airedales..."
"A renaming committee has decided that henceforth Mr Geoffrey Clanger of Dunstable will be known as 'Coronation Avenue'..."
"Conmen operating in the UK are becoming increasingly vocal about campaigns designed to limit their activities..."
"The Golden Years of Movie Catering..."
"That is set to be the most hotly debated topic at this year's International Dinosaur Symposium..."
"Next month the British Film Institute will screen a recently restored print of A Fistful of Sausages..."
"Clifton Bassett is not your usual family doctor..."
with Donald Fact
All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth and may not be reproduced, without the express permission of the author. Contact email@example.com. All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.
The credit card you can use in the afterlife.
If you've got a drooping rose bush, a sagging hydrangea or a bent tulip then Petunia Mulch can help.
Better adapted to eating chips
A fourth colour on traffic lights
A breakthrough for nuclear powered lunches
For too long Geoffs have been ignored by society, cast aside and denied the opportunity to glory in their essential Geoffness.