Diagnosis

Presenter:  Good evening, and welcome to today's edition of Diagnosis.  In this programme the emphasis is on family health, and we'll be taking a serious look at vaccination and the furore surrounding the new measles jab.   We'll also being doing a round up of some of the latest diet plans on the market, and there's our regular phone-in with Doctor Marcus Slick.  But first we're delighted to welcome Professor Kendrick Wimple to the studio, one of the world's foremost experts on Tourette's Syndrome.  Good evening Professor Wimple.

Professor Wimple:  Fuck you.

Presenter:  Well, I want to start, if I may, with a brief outline of this terrible condition.  For the benefit of those of our viewers who may not be aware of Tourette's, could you perhaps fill us in on some of its symptoms and consequences.

Professor Wimple:  Certainly, you big fat tosser.  Well it's basically a neurological disease, which can affect anyone - although we find that the majority of sufferers are male.  Hairy tits!  Hairy tits!  It's hereditary in nature, and is generally characterised by random tics, spasms and vocalisations.  Twat.

Presenter:  And I believe that these vocalisations can often take the form of socially unacceptable phrases - cursing, swearing and such like?

Professor Wimple:  Shit! Big melons.

Presenter:  This can obviously cause a great deal of distress and embarrassment for sufferers.

Professor Wimple:  Oh yes, damp minge.  The correct term for this is coprolalia, and it thankfully only affects a small number of sufferers, you aaaaaaarsse! Bollocks!   Nevertheless, it doesn't mean that these people can't live perfectly normal and fulfilling lives, fucker, given the proper amount of tolerance and understanding.   Cock.

Presenter:  I see, and is there no treatment available?

Professor Wimple:  Screw you!

Presenter: For example, I've read that behavioural therapy can help in some instances.

Professor Wimple:  Balls, balls, sweaty balls. It can do, smelly flaps, yes.  But the real problem is diagnosing the problem in the first place.  Many doctors fail to recognise the condition, fuckwits, and so patients never get the help they require.   Piss bucket, knob jockey, dong.  However, the best thing we can do is to educate the public, jism.

Presenter:  We need to be more sympathetic to sufferers of this condition?

Professor Wimple:  Damn straight, donkey dick.  The only way these people are ever going to bastard live a normal fanny sodding life is if we anus cock bollock bugger tits frig snatch prick.  And that's a fact.

Presenter:  Well, I'm afraid that's all we've got time for.  Professor Wimple, as a sufferer yourself we appreciate how difficult it must have been to talk about this problem -

Professor Wimple:  I beg your pardon?

Presenter:  As a sufferer -

Professor Wimple: I don't suffer from Tourette's!

Presenter:  Oh... Well, thanks anyway, and the very best of luck in your continuing efforts to raise awareness of this problem.

Professor Wimple: Wanker.

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