"A day's work discarded amongst the hand baskets, and the tatty receipts, and the dirty copper coins and grubby fivers."
"We don't know what you're up to but we want it to stop."
"He 'very much regretted' the annihilation of Ludlow."
"the current rates of remuneration seriously underestimate just how much it takes to keep a politician on the straight and narrow."
"Now, my little darlings, it's all grey."
"You got used to colourful language when you were up to your elbows in oxtail, I can tell you."
"When you're laid up in hospital after being run over by an armoured personnel carrier, you have plenty of time to think about the future."
"Can't stand lawyers, you know. Wouldn't have one in the house."
"Consider what we might do with tales of worn out shoes and empty pans."
"I wouldn't trust most of you to dress yourselves without a team of paramedics standing by."
"Most riots tend to peter out once they get into their tenth year."
"Mr Rumblelow, you're dripping! Have you overloaded your bristles?"
"Nothing but a bunch of self-serving parasites who have weaselled their way into high office."
When I arrived they told me to 'watch the step' and apparently I did, so they concluded that I had twenty-twenty vision.
"I've got drawers full of kidneys, a filing cabinet full of lungs and the smell from the broom closet is enough to make your eyes peel."
All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth 2012 and may not be reproduced without the express permission of the author in any medium including but not limited to personal blogs, messageboards and other internet forums. This restriction also applies to the hotlinking of images. Permission can be requested at firstname.lastname@example.org. All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.
72 pages of previously unseen material including Formula 1 Shopping Trolley Racing, Knee Operations for Fruit Flies, Quantum Farming, a visit to The Book Crevice, Gary the Builder, and The Affair of the Flat Vicar, a brand new adventure for the eminent Belgian dick, Anton La Cranque.
All this and more will only be available in this volume as a PDF and is yours for a measly £1 - yes £1 (or whatever the equivalent is in your fancy foreign money). To download it now, click here.
Have you seen these stolen roads?
I fear I may need to take the rest of the day off.
Patent stink technology
Mars observed behaving oddly.
Following the recent Bake Off contest to find a dinner lady
Stealing horses to order