Professor Jez Moonbeam has invented a new type of fan. Instead of simply moving air around, it creates a steady stream of completely new air.

"This is the ultimate fresh air system," says Moonbeam. "Install the fan in your home or workplace and you can be confident that you are breathing clean, healthy air, which has never been breathed by anyone before. It's, like, more natural than nature itself!"

The only problem with the Moonbeam Fresh Air system is that the creation of new air will ultimately cause the atmosphere to swell, make all the clouds burst and ultimately flip the planet off its axis.

Imagine that, the whole planet just spinning wildly through space. We wouldn't stand a chance, you know. I mean, really, we wouldn't stand a fucking chance! Oh my GOD! We're all going to die! For Christ's sake, someone stop this MADNESS!!! I don't want to die! I don't want to die! I DON'T WANT TO DIE! Someone stop this FUCKING LUNATIC. WE'RE ALL DOOOOOOOMED!

The new fan goes on sale next month.