What Is It?

BEETROOT! Excuse me.

The scientific community has been rocked to its foundations recently by the startling claims of Professor Norman Sadowitz of the Colorado State University who - after many years of painstaking research and careful experimentation - has concluded that 'Things Ain't What They Used To Be'. Already scientists the world over are in a state of excitement as they hotly debate the consequences of this astounding new theory.

"This discovery opens up a whole new branch of science," says Doctor Heinrich Crabs of Hoffenwoffer University in Germany. "There are several areas which we will need to look into further: what exactly are these 'things'? What did they used to be like? What's the capital of China?* Only once we have satisfactorily answered these questions can we consider the possible reasons for them not being what they used to be."

Not everyone, however, has embraced Sadowitz's theory so readily. Lawrence Wankal, spokesman for the National Institute of Turkey Fanciers, has said that Sadowitz's methods are open to misinterpretation, his research is flawed, and his theory is ridiculous. Furthermore, Wankal claims that Sadowitz sleeps with animals and wears rubber underwear.

Sadowitz's response to this criticism has taken the form of a letter which appeared in this week's Sunday Times. In this letter Sadowitz states that he knows his theory is absolutely true, because the pixies told him. He also comments that his personal life is no business of anyone else, and that he wears rubber underwear only to protect him against spontaneous lightning strikes.

Meanwhile, we have discovered that the National Institute of Turkey Fanciers doesn't actually exist, and that Lawrence Wankal is a figment of his own imagination.

As if all this hasn't muddied the waters enough, further upsets are likely next week when a man in Blackpool is expected to announce that 'That's Just The Way It Is'.

* early indications are that the capital of China is Beijing

Where Is It?

Throughout history, man has striven to find out where it is. In Ancient Egypt it was believed to be behind the sun. If ever the sun fell out of the sky, so the legend went, it would be on full display and doom would rain down upon the land. The Greeks, on the other hand, thought that it was buried deep in the heart of Mount Olympus, and that on dark winter evenings it could be heard warbling a strange wobbly song. These days, of course, it is much smaller, and we are more inclined to believe that it has simply rolled under the sideboard, or slipped behind the cushions on the sofa.


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