Harness the Primordial Natural Energies of the Universe with...

Crystal N.R.G.

 

For the first time ever CRYSTAL.N.R.G has developed a range of consumer devices designed to run on clean natural energy. Since ancient times mankind has been aware of the primordial forces which flow through all things. Science may not be able to explain it but mystics, wiccans and geomancers have passed down this ancient wisdom from generation to generation - incontrovertible proof of the reality of these extraordinary phenomena*.

So far, one question has remained unanswered: how do we tap this awesome powerhouse of energy? Could we, for example, run a laptop on crystal power? Could you boil a kettle with your aura?

Finally, with the launch of a range of specially adapted consumer devices from CRYSTAL.N.R.G, the answer to that question is 'probably'. Check out our catalogue for details of our paradigm-shifting products.

Osiris 4420X Atmosphere System

astmosphere system

The Osiris represents the very latest in air conditioning technology and boasts a range of settings, including 'cold', 'medium' and 'slightly sticky'. The unit operates on pyramid power, channelling powerful Earth energies discovered by the ancient Egyptians.

Flashmaster Multi-beam

Flashmaster

This handy ergonomically designed torch converts your aura into visible light, meaning that you will always have access to a battery-free source of illumination. As an added bonus, the strength of the beam can be used to measure your mood, provide an early diagnosis of illness and also predict what kind of day you're going to have next Tuesday.

Rechargeable Crystals

Rechargeable Crystals

Energy crystals are a wonderful way of tapping into the deep electromagnetic rhythms of the universe but have a short lifespan, most lasting no more than 48 hours before they are completely depleted. That's no longer a problem thanks to our patent rechargeable crystals, which can be re-energized up to 400 times and are ideal for replacing batteries in a wide range of devices.

Suckomatic GL Deluxe Model Ley Vacuum

~Suckomatic

Wouldn't it be great if you could have a cordless vacuum cleaner that drew its power directly from Mother Earth? Now you can, because the Ley Vacuum operates entirely on the mystical prehistoric energy stored in ley lines. Comes with three interchangeable nozzles, spare bags and a nameless eldritch horror which will shadow your every step from now until the end of eternity.

Fairy Lights

Fairy lights

The perfect decoration for any festive occasion. These charming and enchanting fairy lights contain real fairies and boast two modes: 'on' and 'off'. And for outdoor events, why not take advantage of our special bonus offer of a real dragon patio heater?

Trusound High Fidelity Psychic Speakers

Speakers

Forget Bluetooth, our unique psychic speakers rely on the little-used principal of thought transference to connect to your stereo, TV or home entertainment system. And with a practically unlimited range they can be used anywhere within this plane of existence. (Please note: in some circumstances the speakers can be affected by psychic interference. People with unusually dirty minds are advised to use with caution.)

Ask our pixies about special offers

 

How does it work?

One thing we get asked a great deal is how does all this work? What's the scientific basis for it? Is all this stuff for real?

Well let's put it this way. Throughout history many talented and learned people have tried to understand the world around us. They have made careful observations, posited hypotheses, tested theories and gradually refined their ideas until they have arrived at robust, demonstrable and precise descriptions of the universe.

Over the same period a different bunch people have dreamt up a lot of pretty-sounding nonsense that folk with a limited capacity for rational thought are more than happy to believe in. What's more, they've made a fat pile of cash in the process - this is the model on which we've built our business. It was either this or politics.

Crystal N.R.G.

*According to the theory that 'there must be something in it, right?'

Got a complaint? We take all complaints very seriously. If you encounter a problem with any of our products write to: The Enchanted Unicorn, Nr The Leprechaun's Hole, By The Lake of Rainbows, Doncaster, DN1 3NY

 

Taken from The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2018

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The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2018

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Mr Harold Pogley's massive organ
You always wanted to know how nuns are made
Introduction of the first colour knitting patterns.
Two Bongs from a Gong and Three quick ding-dongs in the night
Nobody's interested in 'darksabers'
A fourth colour on traffic lights
Chief Inspector Wilbur Violence has been in the news.
A full range of snacks
Keeping management busy with colouring books.
Rechargeable crystals and aura-powered torches

 

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