Local Heroes

Outstanding Achievements in the Field of Vandalism

 

Caz Hawkins Ross Temperton Gareth Puncture Rodders Rodderson Chrissy McDownton Peter Flump

Shepton Bassett Borough Council has taken the unusual step of erecting blue plaques to commemorate the many outstanding instances of vandalism that have taken place in and around the town.

"We have a tradition in this country of celebrating the achievements of people who have made their mark," said Councillor Trevor Smattering, cabinet member for putting the boot in and market trader licensing. "And one thing you can most definitely say about our talented crop of hooligans, thugs and anti-socialites is that they have certainly made their mark."

Hotly contended

The council ran a public poll to find out who people thought was most deserving of the honour, and it was hotly contested.

Favourites included Emlyn Rumbelow who put in some sterling work breaking the arms off the statue of Isaac Newton in the memorial gardens; Sharon Bendix for the impassioned artwork scrawled on the side of the bus station, casting aspersions on the sexual health of someone called 'Johnno'; and Dave 'Davy' Spanners who has consistently put through the window of Ladbrokes in the high street for the last eighteen Friday nights running.

Stuffing paper towels down the gents' toilets

Honourable mention must also go to whoever it is that keeps stuffing paper towels down the gents' toilets on the market place, but in the end there was one clear winner.

An overwhelming majority voted for the late Gareth Puncture whose remarkable ten-year spate of criminal damage finally came to an end when he heroically managed to spray the legend 'Wankpigs' on the side of the footbridge over the bypass.

Plummeted to the carriageway

"Such a daring aerial stunt was a personal first for Gareth," said Councillor Smattering at the ceremony outside Gareth's family home. "Sadly, it was also a personal last as he misjudged his footing and plummeted to the carriageway where he came off worse in an altercation with a speeding bus."

Gareth's grieving mother subsequently spluttered a few words of her own and unveiled the plaque to rapturous applause. She then tore it down and frenziedly smashed it to pieces before tearfully explaining "It's what he would have wanted."

 

 

Taken from The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2017

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