Dr Adolphous Nardly Bongo
DATE OF BIRTH:
Opinions differ, but it is more or less universally agreed that it was a Tuesday.
I don't see that this is of any particular relevance, but if you must know: about 6'2", allowing for shrinkage due to cold weather.
- The Fenny-Bentley Preparatory School for
Young Gentlemen (expelled)
- St Colin the Unbeliever's Grammar School, Runcorn (expelled)
- Letchworth Secondary Modern (exploded)
- Jesus College, Oxford (ran out of town)
- Xavier Lustbody's House of Correction, Stoke Newington (incident with donkey)
- Tupou Institute of Medicine and Advanced Plumbing, Tonga (passed with flying colours despite several attempted coups)
Very few survived the terrible winter of 1958. Those of my relations who still cling to some form of miserable existence remain in hiding, for fear of their lives. However, I do have a cousin in Wigan who owns a speedboat.
My first proper job was working for a leading marsupial supplier, sorting out kangaroos from wallabies. We used to get our kangaroos and wallabies delivered on a Wednesday, and they'd usually arrive together, all mixed up in one crate. It was my job to sort them out and file them away in the correct drawers. It's quite easy to spot the difference really, since kangaroos are so much bigger than wallabies, but occasionally you would get kangaroos that would pretend to be wallabies by crouching down.
Had several temporary jobs before qualifying as a doctor - bricklayer, airline steward, chief medical advisor to the Japanese government. However my happiest time was when I spent six months as a chicken stuffer - although this was just for fun, not in any professional capacity.
Due to services rendered I have been given special authorisation by the King of Norway to juggle live rats in the centre of Oslo during times of national celebration.
Oh, anything - as long as it's really expensive.
Anything that screams when you cook it; and militant carrots.
Telephone answering machines, people who eat ice cream in public, the national flag of Papua New Guinea, TV makeover shows, children, old people, small yappy dogs, big snarling dogs that drool everywhere and bite your arse, that strange crackling sensation you get when you take off a pullover, road sweepers, the entire population of Reading, people who sit on buses in hot weather with those small battery operated fans that make a lot of noise but actually do fuck all, noticeboards outside town council offices, money off coupons for toothpaste, the crippling feeling of ennui you get late on a Sunday afternoon when you realise that a whole day has gone by and you've done nothing with it, Phil Collins, green socks, plastic geraniums, real geraniums, the distant whine of light aircraft on a summer's day, beetroot, Velcro, balsa, patients.
Well, I can't stand stepladders, but I would hardly call that an irrational fear.
To learn the rules of shoveadmiral.
PROUDEST PROFESSIONAL MOMENT:
I once cured a man in Bromsgrove of hiccups by lancing his head.
Copyright © Paul Farnsworth 2005