14 December 2017

Gary the Builder

Gary the Builder

What's that mate? Antimatter? Yeah, I reckon I know where I can get hold of some for you. Obviously, it's not going to be cheap, but that's not your real problem. What do you want it for? Really? Ok, well that's up to you - none of my beeswax.

Anyway, the problem you have is that they only tend to produce it in really small quantities and it doesn't stick around for long - just a fraction of a second and then puff! It's gone. Now that's no good for what you want it for. Not unless you can get a hell of a wriggle on, anyways.

No, the best thing you can do is make your own. It will take a bit of investment, but once you're up and running you'll have the stuff on tap, so to speak. What's that mate? Oh yeah, in principal it couldn't be simpler. Basically, what you need to do is take a neutron - and you can pick one of them up at any hardware store - and then you have to belt it really hard. No, harder than that. You've got to give it one hell of a thump, smash it to its component elements so as to precipitate a shower of particles, amongst which will be your actual antimatter. And for that you're going to need more than just a sturdy vice and a brick hammer. You're going to need a particle accelerator.

Well, as it happens, I do know a bloke who knows a bloke who can get hold of one for you. Second-hand, like, so it might be a bit bent, but it'll serve. Trouble is I won't see him till next Tuesday, is that alright? Magic!

The other thing is, you're going to need a fair bit of room - ideally a small town. And prepare yourself for a bit a grief from the missus, because it's going to make one hell of a racket. Well, fair enough, I'll ask around, but in the meantime you have a think about it, 'cos if I was you I'd probably just get a conservatory instead.

 

Taken from The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2018.

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13 December 2017

Stuff Your Bleeding Job

In what is thought to be a first for the studio, Paramount has acquired the rights to a resignation letter written by Martin Quibble, former payroll officer at a medium-sized logistics company based in the UK. Mr Quibble's notice to terminate his contract runs to just under two hundred pages and in giving detailed reasons for his departure, Mr Quibble relates a blistering story of mismanagement, corruption and petty infighting.

The letter is to be made into a major motion picture and casting has already been confirmed for many of the lead roles, including the overweight narcissistic company boss who doesn't have any interest in anything that doesn't directly feed his own ego, the slippery Director of Non-Compliance with the big shiny car and the strange reluctance to explain where the pension fund has gone, and the whinging senior partner who, on the rare occasions when he condescends to turn up to work, moans constantly about how he's occasionally expected to do the job he's being paid to do and whose reports to the board appear to be a fantastical amalgamation of pure fiction and wishful thinking.

Quibble himself has been retained as a consultant on the film and is reported to be very pleased with how it is progressing, although he is a little concerned that some elements have departed from actual events. Specifically, the boss is not nearly fat enough, the Director of Non-Compliance is not nearly evil enough, and the senior partner is nowhere near as irritating as his real-life counterpart.

The biggest problem, however, would appear to be the ending. The film concludes with the company chairman reading Quibble's resignation letter, realising the error of his ways and becoming an altogether better person, whereas in real life the letter was just thrown in the bin by the HR manager.

Stuff Your Bleeding Job poster

 

Taken from The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2018.

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12 December 2017

Your Staff Feedback, Your Way

 

Your Staff Feedback, Your Way

Managers and supervisors! Tired of getting negative feedback on staff surveys? If yours is a small-to-medium business then Frisbee Digitally Tracked Logistical Interface Solutions could have the right answer for you.

We all appreciate positive feedback from our staff. It confirms what we know already: that we're really great and everybody thinks we're fantastic. Oh yeah, we're the best!

But all too often ungrateful and misguided staff can spoil everything by using the opportunity to air their grievances, moan about petty abuses and generally be all negative and grumpy.

That's the last thing you need when all you really want is to feel smug and self-satisfied about yourself.

Obviously, it's a relatively simple task to ignore such responses, track down the perpetrators and subject them to an extended campaign of bullying and harassment before finally dismissing them without notice. And, of course, this is marvellous fun - but wait! What if someone wants to examine the data in more depth? A troublesome shareholder, perhaps, a senior director or a coroner?

Well, with a tailored staff survey from Frisbee Digitally Tracked Logistical Interface Solutions that's simply not a problem. Our unique algorithm reinterprets each response, making it impossible to give a negative answer and guaranteeing perfect results every time. And, as an added bonus, your workers receive the false impression that their inconsequential gripes and whinges have been taken seriously.

Frisbee Digitally Tracked Logistical Interface Solutions

Because fiddling the answers is far easier than fixing the problem.

Want to see how it works? Check out the sample questions below, along with examples of how your staff's responses will be interpreted in the results.

Question 1: How satisfied are you with your workload?

a: Extremely
b: Very
c: Not at All

Answer reinterpreted as:

a: I am extremely happy with my workload
b: I am very happy with my workload
c: I feel that my workload is inadequate and I am eager to be given more to do.

Question 2: How proud are you to work for [COMPANY NAME]

a: Extremely
b: Very
c: Not at all.

Answer reinterpreted as:

a: I am extremely proud to work here.
b: I am very proud to work here
c: Not at all proud because I don't think that the word 'proud' sufficiently describes the overwhelming sense of joy that I feel every day of the working week.

Question 3: Do you believe that [COMPANY NAME] properly appreciates the contribution that you make?

a: Without a doubt.
b: Certainly
c: No.

Answer reinterpreted as:

a: Without a doubt.
b: Certainly
c: I feel that I have a greater contribution to make and am embarrassed that the company regularly heaps praise on me when my work is, at best, average.

Question 4: Finally, in your own words, give a short summary of how you feel about working for [COMPANY NAME]

I think this organisation is populated by people who are just looking for an easy time of it at other people's expense, mostly mine, and I'm sick of having to put up with the childish dick-swinging, rampant unprofessionalism and blatant, undisguised criminality.

Answer reinterpreted as:

I think everybody is absolutely lovely and I am jolly pleased to work here.

 

Taken from The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2018.

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11 December 2017

Gary the Builder

Gary the Builder

What's that mate? Time travel? Well, the basic problem, as I see it, is the linear flow of causality. Some smart arses might bang on about the build-up of entropy but you don't want to get bogged down in all that. You see, you've got your cause and effect, and if you start mucking about with 'em and getting 'em in the wrong order, you gonna have yourself a right old picnic.

I'm not saying it can't be done, mind. Problem is, if you don't know what you're doing you can end up ripping a hole in the space-time continuum and that can be pricey, if you get my drift. Take more than a bucket of plaster and a lick of paint to set that mess right.

But that's by the by. The real problem is you need a lot of elbow room if you want to build a time machine, 'cos you need to warp space; and to warp space you need mass - a lot of mass. How big is your gaff then? Yeah? You see, that's a problem because the average semi-detached in Chiswick isn't really going to cut it, not even if you've got a garage. Not even if you knock through to next door. You're gonna need an area as big as... ooh... Wales, at the very least.

Then there's the planning permission. Trust me, that's going to be a bloody nightmare, 'cos you can bet the neighbours will have something to say about it. Bleeding nuisances. You'd better be ready to grease the right palms, know what I mean?

Not that I'm trying to put you off, you understand. I mean, it's doable. Tell you what, I'll make a few calls and get back to you with an estimate, but if I were you I would seriously think about going for a swimming pool instead.

 

Taken from The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2018.

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08 December 2017

Who's Nobody 2018

WHO'S
NOBODY
2018

Who's Nobody 2018

The ultimate directory of losers, nonentities and scum from all walks of life.

First published in 1932, Who's Nobody is now considered the most authoritative source of biographical information about the lowest strata of society. Layabouts, wasters, swindlers and other assorted chav scum are all celebrated in its august pages, giving a unique insight into the lives of the least influential members of society.

With over 90,000 entries, the 2018 edition is the most comprehensive directory of scroungers, malingerers, slackers, shirkers, racketeers, dross, fartabouts, pilferers, fraudsters, parasites, drifters, bottom-feeders, snivellers, snufflers, dribblers, ditherers, whingers and general filth who ever managed to drag themselves out of bed in a morning and slump in front of the TV. It is the ultimate incentive for anyone who needs motivation to get off their pimply backside and do something worthwhile with their lives.

 

 

Taken from The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2018.

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Blog Index

Archive 1

February 2001
- July 2003

Operation Mutton

"Eugene Rumbold and his camouflaged sheep..."

Paper Cuts

"A paper cut. I fear I may need to take the day off..."


Shark Fishing

"You only have to look at one and he'll have your leg off..."

Oswald

"She was suddenly attacked by a small yellow creature..."

more...

 

 

Gentlemen's Etiquette

"A gentleman never fouls himself upwind of a waitress..."


Pirates

"Could you support a helpless pirate?"

Nobby Wentworth's Pet Surgery

"What do you do when you find that your parrot's got jet lag..."

Dobbins of Doncaster

"Quality Donkeys for Hire or Purchase..."

more...

Lobster Facts

With Derek the Fact Crab

Post Nuns

Nuns to be installed in post offices.

Yeti Makeover

Courtesy of the ladies of Melton Mowbray

Drive-by Wallpapering

Guerilla decorating

Sitting Down

A boon to the chair industry

Springboard to the Stars

Project Pogo

  Top 5 Speaking Tips

with Dick Smidgin

Dr Doggy

Not your usual family doctor

Fourth Light

What colour should it be?

Wilmington Cake Repairs

Cracked fondant and crumpled muffins

More...
Arty Tomatoes
Animals
Jehovahs Cleaners
more
Kicking and Screaming

Prologue: Peanuts

You Don't Have to be Mad to Work Here...

Machiavelli Management Solutions

The Bleeding Obvious

Exploding Dogs

Baby's First Swear

Scrufty's Magic Juju Shop

Pigmongering

Empire of the Flowers

Scumm

Mrs Wilberforce and the River

Epilogue: Persons Unknown

Board Meeting Goldilocks and the Free Bears Death Doom and Disaster Tall Story in a Short Glass Venus by Catapult Barry Buys a Broom
The History of Rock
Teaching Carrots to FlyTeaching Carrots to FlyStandard British NunsExtreme Dinosaurs
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Site Map

site map

WWW UBO



The University
of the Bleeding Obvious

All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth 2000-2017, and may not be reproduced without the express permission of the author. All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.


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The Annual 2018

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The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2018

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Books and Free Downloads

The UBO Annual 2017 The UBO Annual 2016 The UBO Annual 2015 The History of Rock The Bongo Lectures Kicking and Screaming Dead Peasants Recalled to Life UBO Volume 1 UBO Volume 2 Death Doom and Disaster Goldilocks and the Free Bears Find out more...


 

 

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Stopping Distances

How close should a gentleman get to a lady?

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Yeti Makeover

Mrs Stenchtrouser's quest to make the mythical beast presentable

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How Mad Are Mad Hatters?

Surprising results from survey.

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Come to MonkWorld!

See the monks in their natural habitat

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Lillywhite Lenny

They get awful jiggy, some of these horses.

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McDonalds opens in Atlantic

New outlet in the ocean.

 

Teaching Carrots to FlyTeaching Carrots to FlyStandard British NunsExtreme Dinosaurs

 

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