Blood Donors Needed
Please bleed into the envelope provided.
Piffin: A Mediterranean Paradise
Boasting Europe's biggest landfill.
Neighbor Nightmares: The Movie
Two men, one drive, no prisoners.
Gin!
Gin, gin and more gin!
Man Blames ESA for Domestic Eclipse
Mr Cravat is not happy about where they park their stuff.
Here Comes Barry Smith
Wise words from Shepton Bassett's number one coach driver.
Harry Carson is Watching You
It's a man's life as a modern store detective.
Thinking of Buying an Octopus?
How to look after your squishy friend.
Skydiving
Skydiving without the unnecessary inconvenience of a parachute.
Ant Facts
with Donald Fact.
Butterfly
Prof Jim Spanners explains chaos theory
Sounds of Nature
Relax with chickens.
An Old Fart Remembers
Do you remember Puthering Day?
Rationalising Britain's River Network
Britain's waterways need straightening,
Donald Fact's Fact Breakers
Remembering the classic '70s kids' show.
Anti-Assertiveness Classes
Tone it down a bit.
Words of wisdom from our resident medic
...Tigers ...Moles ...Farm Machinery ...Hypnotism ...Fruit ...Soap ...Implants ...Pianos ...Happy Clappers ...The Environment
Galactic Phrasebook
Learn to speak Venusian!
What's On in Lower Bumpstead
A packed programme, following that unfortunate incident with the fire eater.
St Tiddles in the Font
Parish newsletter.
It's a Fact!
More facts from the Funky Fact Feller.
Tripping the Dark Fantastic
Hello darkness my old friend
Amateur Stamp Collector Collector
Want to know how much to pay for a Nigel Tomlinson?
Maxi-Lingual for Motorists
Curse fluently in over six languages.
Knitting in Colour
This day in 1956 saw the introduction of the first regular colour knitting patterns.
Shave the Moon
Our hairy satellite.
The Beaufort Scale
Slight wafts and uninvited pumps.
Cut Price Chips
You like chips? You like lots of chips?
Twenty-First Century Scouting
A woggle for the new miilenium.
The Alternative Olympics
Speed swingball and dodgem rallying.
History in Focus
An elbow shaker and a lickspittling mumblecrust
10 Things You Never Knew About Frogs
Frogtastic Facts
Poot
Bigger, Better, Faster, Now!
Have you got what it takes to stay in the country?
Be a great Briton. Or get out.
Shepton Bassett - A Vision for the Future
Better late than never, our town plan.
Tax, What Tax?
Sir John Wyndrell has never heard of his own company.
Traffic Watch
Heavy vibes are causing delays on the A52.
World of Holes
Europe's leading stockist of quality holes.
Brick II
Recycling the rubble.
Dobbins of Doncaster
Get yourself a quality ass.
Local Heroes
Outstanding achievements in the field of vandalism.
Songs of Inspiration
Jesus Wants Me For His Darts Team.
Spread the Good Word!
Your chance to buy shares in the Salvation Army!
The Delusion of J Henry Proudfoot
We meet an alien archaeologist.
The World Bullshit Record
Team bonding, goal setting and table top brainstorming
Mr & Mrs Pottle are Lost Again
Why can't these people just stay at home?
The Kidderminster Lemon Exchange
Open now for faster, more reliable lemon exchange.
Jehovah's Cleaners
Because cleanliness is nexr to godliness.
How to Look After Your Cement Mixer
A great addition to any home.
Wind Tunnel Technician
Pardon?
Comfy Dinners
A meal fit for a bed.
Brixham Trouser Museum
The UK 's premier trouser experience.
Jazz Bomb
Raw unadulterated jazz.
Donald Fact's Fact Blast
It's a Fact, brought to you by Crunchy Flakes.
Doing Lengths
Mr Zing is swimming from pole to pole
Did Man Really Go To Belgium?
The dark truth behind the Belgian conspiracy
No More Glasses!
Fry sausages with just a wink of the eye.
Pooley's Fire Distinguisher
Put paid to that firey bullshit.
Fatquake
A sad farewell to the world's fatest man.
The Long Range Trouser Forecast
Overnight corduroys and occasional dungarees.
Barney's Magic Wonder Show
Belinda Sommers reviews the latest production.
Drive-by Wallpapering
Delinquent decorating.
Mind Your Wind
Issued by the Ministry of Gas, 1942.
Fats Porker - Blues Whinger
In memory of Crappsville's finest son.
Some People You've Never Heard Of
Rancid Alan Grease and others.
Barry the Road Safety Owl
No nonsense advice from a wise old bird
The National Key Museum!
We've got keys!
The Language of Dance
Jazz hands and quickstep.
Things Fall Over All the Time
Arthur's train only has wheels on one side.
Diagnosis
Professor Wimple has a dirty mouth.
Quality Service at Pooley's
With our motoring correspondent, Martin Carburetor.
Exploding Dinners
Put the fun back into dinner time.
British Gas
Sending foreign gas back home.
Art
Selwyn Peach paints Elephants
Maisy Donnington's Cheese Etiquette Page
Your guide to the wonderful world of cheese.
Staff Handbook
A handy guide to your new workplace.
The Bleeding Obvious
You pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
Something Happened on Tuesday
Probably, but we're not sure what.
Is Your Tortoise Roadworthy?
Important news from the Ministry of Tortoises.
Bare-knuckle Snooker
The biggest threat to law and order since badminton
Pretty Pictures
Better management through crayons.
A Career in Printing
Why not specialise in the colour green?
National Consumer Instructions Awards
Confusing, badly translated or just plain weird.
Short and Curly
Unlocking the power of curly hair.
Cosmic Background Apathy
Will the universe keep expanding until it can't be bothered anymore?
Old Clothes
Trading Standards warn against dangerously out of date clobber.
Nuclear Garden
Mr Sideboard is not happy about his exploding shed.
Your Staff Feedback, Your Way
Tired of hearing from ungrateful and misguided staff?
Centuri Space Supplies
Second hand space travel
Out and About
The International Toast Museum and other attractions.
The Shepton Bassett Village Fete
In aid of the St Tiddles in the Font Restoration Fund.
Stuff Your Bleeding Job
How to resign digracefully.
Christopher Columbus Discoveries Inc
If you've lost it, Chris will find it.
Night of the Womble
Unpublished Womble book is dystopian nightmare.
Doing the Lord's Work
Vicars on the job.
Munchy Burger
Can you cut the mustard as a top burger executive?
World of the Wacky
With the Amazing Mr Ooluv
Scrufty's Magic Juju Shoppe
A tale of oconker mismanagement.
Machiavelli Management Solutions
Discipline over distance.
Introducing Flying Squirrels
Flying into the side of a house at forty knots...
Dougal Fridgely
Possible dwarf planet discovered in Tadcaster
So You've Got a New Manager?
How to stop it crapping in your in tray.
A Ding-Dong Duvets
Prof Reynaud pulls a fast one.
Optimum Leaning Angles
How to look cool and interesting at an angle.
Cake Rage
Pastry related assaults.
The Great Space Exhibition
Glorious innovations and technical marvels!
Debt Matters
Making you aware of your debt.
The Prime Time Gameshow Generator
As used by TV executives worldwide.
An Open Letter to Shepton Bassett Park & Zoo
Sorry about your monkeys.
Feathered Friends
Could you befriend a lonely parrot?
The Montreux Clinic For Aural Readjustment
Get your wonky flappers straightened here
Product Recall
Some of our biscuits may contain canoes.
Persons Unknown
Mr Frampton is looking for somoeone to blame.
Mr Gammon's Objections
Shepton Bassett Council Responds
Core Competencies in Office Furniture
Sign up for a certificate in filing cabinets.
Award for Outstanding Celebrity
New awards for old has-beens
The Thoroughfare of Success
Dick Smidgen teaches you how to live your life but better.
The Embarrasment of Nasal Hair Loss
Nostril wigs for all occasions
Bad Grandma Grammar
The inappropriate erection of words.
A Sustained Corporate Battering
We're concerned about Mr Pyle
The Aromatron
A whole new world of smells awaits you.
The Square Root of Green
Fresh breakthrough in the science of colourology.
The Horse-Drawn Record Player
Equestrian technology.
Grampion Strangely's Mountain Rescue
These vulnderable mountains need your help.
Greygolds Residential Care Home
Where quality care costs extra.
A Very Local Paper
All the news that's local to Mr Henry Droop, Littlehampton.
Buttock Express
Your arse in our hands.
Dream Strides
Emergency trousers delivered direct to your anxiety nightmare.
No Offence
The Right Honourable David McGog unapologetically apologises.
Ricky Stratocaster's History of Rock
Digital Vicars
The secret ways that vicars communicate?
Criminal Offence Self-Assessment Form
Tick the box if you're a wrong 'un.
Welcome to Stick World
If you like sticks, well, we've got sticks.
New Rights for Fictional Characters
It's no longer ok to call Oliver Twist a twat.
Space Things
The continuing adventures of Astro Cat.
The Ultimate Procrastination Suite
Just been handed a project but can't be bothered to get started?
Pigchums
Meet likeminded pigs in your area!
The Wackiest Person in the UK
Alison Perkins is a mad as a fish.
Arty Tomatoes
Guy Pakker's latest artistic venture.
Dolby Noise Reduction Sausages
Cut out the hiss next breakfast time.
Extreme Dinosaurs
Skateboarding plesiosaurs, rollerblading raptors and a brontosaurus with a space hopper.
Caught by the Fuzz
New Recruitment Initiatives within the UK Police Force.
Mrs Womble writes...
Scoop!
Local frog trapped in drain.
It's All in the Game
Classic board games from the past.
Yeti Makeover
Mrs Stenchtrouser is planning an expedition.
Mr Bannerman's Evidence
Courtroom confusion.
Cosmos Rocks
In an infinite universe, there is no limit to human gullibility.
Rob Hammond's Essential Guide to Buddhism
Rob Hammond will give you a spiritual kicking,
Squeak Off
The big noise in footwear technology.
Fraudulent Bananas
Phony fruit.
Shark Fishing
Fergus Pong has a shark problem.
Slugbond
Because an inflated slug is a happy slug.
Empire of the Flowers
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Operation Growbag.
Typists of the Kalahari
Shorthand tigers and double entry hippos.
Historic Knees
Knees of outstanding natural beauty.
Why Your Printer Doesn't Work
Most of these devices are allergic to paper.
An Important Announcement about Fish
Clever trout and erudite pilcards.
Bristletech Industries
Do you need to grow a beard? Fast?
Mathew Sandblaster-Trogg
A bouncy little freak.
Sugar Free Vegan Diesel
There's no butter in it either.
Jaggedy
Mrs Lubricant wants a tidiery Britain.
Sofas are From Mars...
The race to put the first sofa on Mars.
Some more stupid than others.
Barry Buys a Broom
Dirty Doings at Featherstone Manor
Board Meeting
The Day Before Tomnorrow
Tall Story in a Short Glass
The Hedgehog King
The Mystery of the Shitfaced Man
Venus by Catapult
You Again
Death, Doom and Disaster
Goldilocks and the Free Bears
Jars-4-u
Get your jars opened by a professional jar opener!
Help a Pirate in Need
These buccaneers desperately need your support.
Announcing the iSpong
Totally changing the way that people spong in the future.
Are you ready for Digital Ornithology?
Analogue birds are about to be switched off.
New Deposits of Earwax Discovered
Significant quantities discovered in Mr Harry Frome
The Discovery of Vitamin G
Great moments in science.
The Unusual Suspects
A message from Det. Insp. Barker Harris.
Flexi Mortem
The only credit card you can use after death.
Operation Mutton
The millitary applications of sheep during WWII.
SciFi Fan Draws a Blank
Publisher leaves pages blank to cut costs.
Motorcycle Display Teams
A bunch of blokes twatting about on bikes.
Veg-U-Like
Tomatoes, cauliflower, brussel sprouts and peas - collect the whole set.
Petty Complaints Ombudsman
Giving your batshit insade complaints the respect they deserve.
The Sandwich Advisor
Buying a sandwich is the third most stressful thing you can do.
Cheese Genome Finally Cracked!
Scientific proof of the existence of cheese.
International Arse Kicking
Bottom kicking for fun and profit.
Linguini!
Learn to speak fluent pasta.
Octo-Fever
Are you allergic to octopuses?
Topping Talent
Featuring the Marvellous Undersea Kingdom of Colin Chocolate.
Dilbert's Donkey Solutions
Professional donkey storage.
Astralguard
Insurance for Astral Travellers.
Moroccan Dancing Moles
David Attenburger's Wonderful World of Nature.
The Wonderful World of Ants
Ants, ants, ants, ants!
The Battersea Wigs Home
We never put a healthy wig down.
Ralph Trundle: F1 Driver
We talk to a legend of the circuit
Tony Fold's Country Rambles
with guest rambler, Rory Triffic.
Glen Twerk is not at Work
Caveat emptor, quo vadis.
Wisbech
Theft of town exposed as hoax.
The Devil's Arse On Tour
Famous cavern to tour country
How To Be Sweary
with Professor Timothy Bottom.
Baby's First Swear
Teach your little angel to swear like a trooper.
Death By Pastry
A huge pie just hanging in space.
Evening Courses
Pseudo-academic subjects and frivolous arts and crafts courses.
Global Moistening
Fear of a wet planet.
Cooker Island
Where the toasters roam free.
Bing Crosby Boxing
Punching singers in the mouth.
Eazee-post
Taking the pain out of internet forums.
Emergency Kebabs
When you absolutely positively need a kebab.
We're No Longer Recruiting...
...but here are some of the unlucky applicants
Maisy Donnington's Office Safety
How to avoid the business end of a stapler.
Happismiles Emergency Clown Service
For when your regular clown lets you down.
Echo...Echo
Mr Clutterbuck has an echo... echo... echo.
Petunia Mulch
Plant psychologist.
Kicking Up a New Stink
Breakthrough leads to discovery of new smell.
Fine Dining
with Woodroffe Spanker
The Drivelling
Troubled Hammer film gets new release.
Auras by Post?
Spruce up your chakras
For Kids of All Ages...
Introducing our new range of children's books.
In the market for a used policeman?
How to spot a dodgy copper.
Carter-Pierrepoint
Particulate mapping of key delivery nodes.
Maisy Donnington's Guide to Perking Yourself Up
Turn that frown upside down.
The Fish Olympics
Piscine polevaulting and haddock hurdles.
Travel News
Cowboys on the line and bricked up tunnels,
It's a Fact
Fun facts from the Fact Master. Fank you.
Cock
The magazine for young gentlemen.
Gentlemen's Etiquette
How to behave right proper and all that.
Gerald de Scooter's Restaurant Guide
Top notch swanky grub,
Lillywhite Lenny
On the importance of staying on the fecking horse.
Punctuation Crisis
We're running out of apostrophes.
Spooky Doings
The magazine of weird and improbable stuff.
Rod Stewart and Enya's Rock 'n' Roll Mysteries
Solving crimes and fighting bad guys.
Cash for Pets
Trade in your unwanted dog.
Pigmongering
Fergus Pong introduces us to this dying art.
'Ello 'Ello 'Ello, What's All This Then?
Presenting The Metropolitan Police Choir.
Hear and Now
For collectors of rare and unusual sounds.
Professional Scarer
GRRRRRR! AAAAARRRRGH! GRRRR!
Noblock and Kerfanderbuck
All smileytangled cockrock strop.
Inside the Nun Factory
Where do nuns come from?
Forward to the '80s
How we'll all be travelling in the '80s.
One-Sided Dice
One-Sided Dice for Fatalists.
Bean Legacy
This summer, Christian Bale is Mr Bean.
Puzzle Page!
With the amazing Mr Ooluv.
Top Twenty Albums of the '70s
With Ricky Stratocaster, professor of twangology.
Oven Chimps
With none of the greasy aftertaste of regular monkeys.
Nobby Wentworth's Pet Surgery
Save cash - fix your own pets in the comfort of your own home.
Know Your Birds
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Modern Day Bird Warfare
Metal Detecting
German U-Boat Found on Devon Beach.
Marmaduke Irksome: A Retrospective
Talking crap in the House of Commons.
Selling Crap for Fun and Profit
The very best in useless tat.
Fleegle
New number has consequences for the future of the universe. And bingo.
What Is It?
How what why when who where and when? Hello?
Food Banking
MPs praise growing industry.
Whose Legs Are These?
The gameshow for all the family
Buy Our Shampoo
Just buy it, ok.
Cold Fusion Sandwiches
A new era in atomic lunches.
Well Stuffed
Rogue taxidermist terrorises family pets.
Dark Batter
Is the missing mass in the Universe actually pastry?
The Trivial Accident Group
Have you been slightly inconvenienced at work?
A Fistful of Sausages
Brought to you by the meat marketing board.
Teaching Carrots to Fly
The cutting edge of vegetable warfare.
How Long is a Piece of String?
The hit gameshow for all the family.
Not Funny
Prof Jez Moonbeam is laughable.
Crystal N.R.G.
Harnessing the mystical bollocks of the universe.
So Special
Special beauty therapies for very special people.
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