Standard International Formations
An unprecedented increase of violence in cake shops
How close should a gentleman get to a lady?
Mankind's fascination with his hirsute neighbour in space
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July's Stuff and Nonsense is out, featuring the best comedy, satire, cartoonery and comment from 49 different sites.
A new startup company is hoping to corner the burgeoning amateur wizard market with a new range of disposable wands. This is not the first time that disposable wands have been made available but previously the range of spells they were capable of casting was really quite limited.
President of the Mystic Circle, The Great Magnifico the All Powerful (aka Colin Smith), was sceptical about the new project. "They've been tried before," he said. "There was a company back in the eighties who launched something similar but they were a poor substitute for a proper professional wand. They might be okay for kids trying out some dodgy card trick, but that's about the limit. You wouldn't be able to use one to turn yourself invisible, levitate a bus or saw a lady in half."
Nevertheless, the company is confident that there will be demand for a single-use, all-purpose wand that can be discarded once the spell has been cast. It aims to offer them in packs of five, although plans to have them in stores by the end of the year now look uncertain. Concerns about health and safety have been raised following a number of accidents during development, including one incident in which a test conjuror accidentally snapped one of the wands mid-spell and managed to turned himself into an alpaca.
Coming soon to a TV station near you
An international agreement between major communications providers has agreed a timescale for the introduction of metric phone numbers. Although these have been used in a small number of proprietary internal switchboards, only imperial numbers are currently issued to users by telecommunication companies. To date there have been no major problems with this system, but as equipment is upgraded and fibre optics replace traditional cabling, there is a greater likelihood of incompatibility.
There is also another pressing reason for the change. The current range of imperial phone numbers is limited and as the telecommunications market grows it will soon outstrip demand. Metric numbers have a far greater range as they are able to accommodate a decimal point, and there is even a possibility that negative phone numbers could be used.
However, the changes will inevitably be met with resistance and some members of the public have already made their feelings known. "I don't hold with it," said one angry British Telecom customer when we phoned and pestered him. "All my life I've been ringing up numbers in feet and inches. Now all of a sudden I've got to start using kilograms and litres and goodness knows what. Well, I think it's disgusting and I'm not going to do it. This is worse than when the weather went decimal."
See the full list
Relax with chickens
We quiz a famous celebrity
"Going round the world by elastic..."
Across the Atlantic by land
Courtesy of the ladies of Melton Mowbray
"Was North America once home to an advanced society..."
"A brutal and vicious game..."
An amateur inventor in Bolton has come up with a device that he believes will revolutionise the lives of millions of office workers all around the world. Gavin Trout has taken the principal of potato printing to the next level by coming up with the 'chip-writer'. The machine works in much the same way as a traditional typewriter, except that it utilises a series of deep-fried potato chips, each embossed with a different letter or character. Trout claims that the chip-writer can produce attractive, typewritten documents in a choice of green, orange or brown - thanks to special ribbons impregnated with mushy peas, baked beans or curry sauce. He also working on a photocopier based on potato waffles.
"The fenny bentleys all dropped dead..."
"Frogs can jump ten times their own bodyweight..."
"It's always best to rest against something solid, such as a small horse..."
"...landing a man on the moon, shaving it, and returning him safely to Earth......"more...
Reverse the 412 signs of agingTop Five Interview Tips
Land your dream jobBuying an Octopus?
What you need to knowUK Citizenship Test
How to be a great BritonMore...
Stuffed with new material and old favourites, Recalled to Life is 280 pages of plumptiousness and very probably exactly what you need to prop up that wonky old table in the kitchen.
Find out more here.
of the Bleeding Obvious
All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth 2000-2015, and may not be reproduced without the express permission of the author. All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.