Whose Legs Are These?
The gameshow for all the family
The Long Range Trouser Forecast
Overnight corduroys and occasional dungarees.
An Important Announcement about Fish
Clever trout and erudite pilcards.
Traffic Watch
Heavy vibes are causing delays on the A52.
Something Happened on Tuesday
Probably, but we're not sure what.
Maisy Donnington's Guide to Perking Yourself Up
Turn that frown upside down.
Bad Grandma Grammar
The inappropriate erection of words.
Ralph Trundle: F1 Driver
We talk to a legend of the circuit
The Devil's Arse On Tour
Famous cavern to tour country
Linguini!
Learn to speak fluent pasta.
The Fish Olympics
Piscine polevaulting and haddock hurdles.
Food Banking
MPs praise growing industry.
The Discovery of Vitamin G
Great moments in science.
Cheese Genome Finally Cracked!
Scientific proof of the existence of cheese.
Sugar Free Vegan Diesel
There's no butter in it either.
Here Comes Barry Smith
Wise words from Shepton Bassett's number one coach driver.
Words of wisdom from our resident medic
...Tigers ...Moles ...Farm Machinery ...Hypnotism ...Fruit ...Soap ...Implants ...Pianos ...Happy Clappers ...The Environment
No More Glasses!
Fry sausages with just a wink of the eye.
Product Recall
Some of our biscuits may contain canoes.
Mathew Sandblaster-Trogg
A bouncy little freak.
Shark Fishing
Fergus Pong has a shark problem.
The Wackiest Person in the UK
Alison Perkins is a mad as a fish.
Pretty Pictures
Better management through crayons.
The Unusual Suspects
A message from Det. Insp. Barker Harris.
SciFi Fan Draws a Blank
Publisher leaves pages blank to cut costs.
Maisy Donnington's Office Safety
How to avoid the business end of a stapler.
Auras by Post?
Spruce up your chakras
Maisy Donnington's Cheese Etiquette Page
Your guide to the wonderful world of cheese.
Quality Service at Pooley's
With our motoring correspondent, Martin Carburetor.
The Sandwich Advisor
Buying a sandwich is the third most stressful thing you can do.
Buttock Express
Your arse in our hands.
Barney's Magic Wonder Show
Belinda Sommers reviews the latest production.
Rod Stewart and Enya's Rock 'n' Roll Mysteries
Solving crimes and fighting bad guys.
Are you ready for Digital Ornithology?
Analogue birds are about to be switched off.
Jehovah's Cleaners
Because cleanliness is nexr to godliness.
Travel News
Cowboys on the line and bricked up tunnels,
It's a Fact!
More facts from the Funky Fact Feller.
One-Sided Dice
One-Sided Dice for Fatalists.
New Rights for Fictional Characters
It's no longer ok to call Oliver Twist a twat.
An Open Letter to Shepton Bassett Park & Zoo
Sorry about your monkeys.
Neighbor Nightmares: The Movie
Two men, one drive, no prisoners.
Persons Unknown
Mr Frampton is looking for somoeone to blame.
Topping Talent
Featuring the Marvellous Undersea Kingdom of Colin Chocolate.
Why Your Printer Doesn't Work
Most of these devices are allergic to paper.
Doing the Lord's Work
Vicars on the job.
Gentlemen's Etiquette
How to behave right proper and all that.
International Arse Kicking
Bottom kicking for fun and profit.
Teaching Carrots to Fly
The cutting edge of vegetable warfare.
Know Your Birds
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Modern Day Bird Warfare
The Prime Time Gameshow Generator
As used by TV executives worldwide.
The Delusion of J Henry Proudfoot
We meet an alien archaeologist.
The Horse-Drawn Record Player
Equestrian technology.
Brick II
Recycling the rubble.
Cake Rage
Pastry related assaults.
Empire of the Flowers
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Operation Growbag.
An Old Fart Remembers
Do you remember Puthering Day?
World of Holes
Europe's leading stockist of quality holes.
Digital Vicars
The secret ways that vicars communicate?
Rob Hammond's Essential Guide to Buddhism
Rob Hammond will give you a spiritual kicking,
Introducing Flying Squirrels
Flying into the side of a house at forty knots...
Tax, What Tax?
Sir John Wyndrell has never heard of his own company.
Poot
Bigger, Better, Faster, Now!
Shepton Bassett - A Vision for the Future
Better late than never, our town plan.
Jaggedy
Mrs Lubricant wants a tidiery Britain.
Did Man Really Go To Belgium?
The dark truth behind the Belgian conspiracy
Gerald de Scooter's Restaurant Guide
Top notch swanky grub,
Comfy Dinners
A meal fit for a bed.
Fatquake
A sad farewell to the world's fatest man.
Carter-Pierrepoint
Particulate mapping of key delivery nodes.
The Alternative Olympics
Speed swingball and dodgem rallying.
Crystal N.R.G.
Harnessing the mystical bollocks of the universe.
Amateur Stamp Collector Collector
Want to know how much to pay for a Nigel Tomlinson?
Oven Chimps
With none of the greasy aftertaste of regular monkeys.
Veg-U-Like
Tomatoes, cauliflower, brussel sprouts and peas - collect the whole set.
Your Staff Feedback, Your Way
Tired of hearing from ungrateful and misguided staff?
What Is It?
How what why when who where and when? Hello?
Cold Fusion Sandwiches
A new era in atomic lunches.
Greygolds Residential Care Home
Where quality care costs extra.
Death By Pastry
A huge pie just hanging in space.
Doing Lengths
Mr Zing is swimming from pole to pole
The Square Root of Green
Fresh breakthrough in the science of colourology.
The Embarrasment of Nasal Hair Loss
Nostril wigs for all occasions
Dougal Fridgely
Possible dwarf planet discovered in Tadcaster
Typists of the Kalahari
Shorthand tigers and double entry hippos.
British Gas
Sending foreign gas back home.
The Montreux Clinic For Aural Readjustment
Get your wonky flappers straightened here
Flexi Mortem
The only credit card you can use after death.
The Wonderful World of Ants
Ants, ants, ants, ants!
Scoop!
Local frog trapped in drain.
Tripping the Dark Fantastic
Hello darkness my old friend
Echo...Echo
Mr Clutterbuck has an echo... echo... echo.
Harry Carson is Watching You
It's a man's life as a modern store detective.
Shave the Moon
Our hairy satellite.
Dilbert's Donkey Solutions
Professional donkey storage.
Butterfly
Prof Jim Spanners explains chaos theory
The Ultimate Procrastination Suite
Just been handed a project but can't be bothered to get started?
Machiavelli Management Solutions
Discipline over distance.
Art
Selwyn Peach paints Elephants
For Kids of All Ages...
Introducing our new range of children's books.
Dolby Noise Reduction Sausages
Cut out the hiss next breakfast time.
Diagnosis
Professor Wimple has a dirty mouth.
National Consumer Instructions Awards
Confusing, badly translated or just plain weird.
Exploding Dinners
Put the fun back into dinner time.
Donald Fact's Fact Breakers
Remembering the classic '70s kids' show.
Operation Mutton
The millitary applications of sheep during WWII.
Ant Facts
with Donald Fact.
Fleegle
New number has consequences for the future of the universe. And bingo.
Lillywhite Lenny
On the importance of staying on the fecking horse.
Skydiving
Skydiving without the unnecessary inconvenience of a parachute.
Core Competencies in Office Furniture
Sign up for a certificate in filing cabinets.
Bristletech Industries
Do you need to grow a beard? Fast?
Moroccan Dancing Moles
David Attenburger's Wonderful World of Nature.
Wisbech
Theft of town exposed as hoax.
How to Look After Your Cement Mixer
A great addition to any home.
Arty Tomatoes
Guy Pakker's latest artistic venture.
Jazz Bomb
Raw unadulterated jazz.
A Sustained Corporate Battering
We're concerned about Mr Pyle
10 Things You Never Knew About Frogs
Frogtastic Facts
Centuri Space Supplies
Second hand space travel
Slugbond
Because an inflated slug is a happy slug.
The Trivial Accident Group
Have you been slightly inconvenienced at work?
The Battersea Wigs Home
We never put a healthy wig down.
Mr & Mrs Pottle are Lost Again
Why can't these people just stay at home?
Puzzle Page!
With the amazing Mr Ooluv.
Have you got what it takes to stay in the country?
Be a great Briton. Or get out.
Brixham Trouser Museum
The UK 's premier ttouser experience.
Nobby Wentworth's Pet Surgery
Save cash - fix your own pets in the comfort of your own home.
Historic Knees
Knees of outstanding natural beauty.
Glen Twerk is not at Work
Caveat emptor, quo vadis.
Ricky Stratocaster's History of Rock
Buy Our Shampoo
Just buy it, ok.
Petunia Mulch
Plant psychologist.
Twenty-First Century Scouting
A woggle for the new miilenium.
Maxi-Lingual for Motorists
Curse fluently in over six languages.
The Aromatron
A whole new world of smells awaits you.
Cut Price Chips
You like chips? You like lots of chips?
Jars-4-u
Get your jars opened by a professional jar opener!
Astralguard
Insurance for Astral Travellers.
Bean Legacy
This summer, Christian Bale is Mr Bean.
Feathered Friends
Could you befriend a lonely parrot?
Emergency Kebabs
When you absolutely positively need a kebab.
Blood Donors Needed
Please bleed into the envelope provided.
Mrs Womble writes...
The Drivelling
Troubled Hammer film gets new release.
A Very Local Paper
All the news that's local to Mr Henry Droop, Littlehampton.
Tony Fold's Country Rambles
with guest rambler, Rory Triffic.
We're No Longer Recruiting...
...but here are some of the unlucky applicants
Sofas are From Mars...
The race to put the first sofa on Mars.
Pooley's Fire Distinguisher
Put paid to that firey bullshit.
Things Fall Over All the Time
Arthur's train only has wheels on one side.
Piffin: A Mediterranean Paradise
Boasting Europe's biggest landfill.
A Fistful of Sausages
Brought to you by the meat marketing board.
Yeti Makeover
Mrs Stenchtrouser is planning an expedition.
Staff Handbook
A handy guide to your new workplace.
Professional Scarer
GRRRRRR! AAAAARRRRGH! GRRRR!
In the market for a used policeman?
How to spot a dodgy copper.
A Career in Printing
Why not specialise in the colour green?
Grampion Strangely's Mountain Rescue
These vulnderable mountains need your help.
Forward to the '80s
How we'll all be travelling in the '80s.
Local Heroes
Outstanding achievements in the field of vandalism.
The Kidderminster Lemon Exchange
Open now for faster, more reliable lemon exchange.
Short and Curly
Unlocking the power of curly hair.
Donald Fact's Fact Blast
It's a Fact, brought to you by Crunchy Flakes.
Some more stupid than others.
Barry Buys a Broom
Dirty Doings at Featherstone Manor
Board Meeting
The Day Before Tomnorrow
Tall Story in a Short Glass
The Hedgehog King
The Mystery of the Shitfaced Man
Venus by Catapult
You Again
Death, Doom and Disaster
Goldilocks and the Free Bears
Old Clothes
Trading Standards warn against dangerously out of date clobber.
Knitting in Colour
This day in 1956 saw the introduction of the first regular colour knitting patterns.
So Special
Special beauty therapies for very special people.
Caught by the Fuzz
New Recruitment Initiatives within the UK Police Force.
Out and About
The International Toast Museum and other attractions.
Cosmic Background Apathy
Will the universe keep expanding until it can't be bothered anymore?
World of the Wacky
With the Amazing Mr Ooluv
So You've Got a New Manager?
How to stop it crapping in your in tray.
Metal Detecting
German U-Boat Found on Devon Beach.
Optimum Leaning Angles
How to look cool and interesting at an angle.
Cash for Pets
Trade in your unwanted dog.
Songs of Inspiration
Jesus Wants Me For His Darts Team.
Squeak Off
The big noise in footwear technology.
What's On in Lower Bumpstead
A packed programme, following that unfortunate incident with the fire eater.
The World Bullshit Record
Team bonding, goal setting and table top brainstorming
Eazee-post
Taking the pain out of internet forums.
Kicking Up a New Stink
Breakthrough leads to discovery of new smell.
The Thoroughfare of Success
Dick Smidgen teaches you how to live your life but better.
Fats Porker - Blues Whinger
In memory of Crappsville's finest son.
Thinking of Buying an Octopus?
How to look after your squishy friend.
Spooky Doings
The magazine of weird and improbable stuff.
Nuclear Garden
Mr Sideboard is not happy about his exploding shed.
Noblock and Kerfanderbuck
All smileytangled cockrock strop.
Baby's First Swear
Teach your little angel to swear like a trooper.
Night of the Womble
Unpublished Womble book is dystopian nightmare.
It's a Fact
Fun facts from the Fact Master. Fank you.
Hear and Now
For collectors of rare and unusual sounds.
Mr Bannerman's Evidence
Courtroom confusion.
Dream Strides
Emergency trousers delivered direct to your anxiety nightmare.
Barry the Road Safety Owl
No nonsense advice from a wise old bird
Scrufty's Magic Juju Shoppe
A tale of oconker mismanagement.
Motorcycle Display Teams
A bunch of blokes twatting about on bikes.
Sounds of Nature
Relax with chickens.
Gin!
Gin, gin and more gin!
New Deposits of Earwax Discovered
Significant quantities discovered in Mr Harry Frome
Selling Crap for Fun and Profit
The very best in useless tat.
Award for Outstanding Celebrity
New awards for old has-beens
Marmaduke Irksome: A Retrospective
Talking crap in the House of Commons.
Some People You've Never Heard Of
Rancid Alan Grease and others.
Wind Tunnel Technician
Pardon?
Evening Courses
Pseudo-academic subjects and frivolous arts and crafts courses.
Criminal Offence Self-Assessment Form
Tick the box if you're a wrong 'un.
A Ding-Dong Duvets
Prof Reynaud pulls a fast one.
Anti-Assertiveness Classes
Tone it down a bit.
Debt Matters
Making you aware of your debt.
Christopher Columbus Discoveries Inc
If you've lost it, Chris will find it.
Pigchums
Meet likeminded pigs in your area!
How Long is a Piece of String?
The hit gameshow for all the family.
Pigmongering
Fergus Pong introduces us to this dying art.
Rationalising Britain's River Network
Britain's waterways need straightening,
Announcing the iSpong
Totally changing the way that people spong in the future.
Cooker Island
Where the toasters roam free.
Man Blames ESA for Domestic Eclipse
Mr Cravat is not happy about where they park their stuff.
Galactic Phrasebook
Learn to speak Venusian!
History in Focus
An elbow shaker and a lickspittling mumblecrust
Mind Your Wind
Issued by the Ministry of Gas, 1942.
Space Things
The continuing adventures of Astro Cat.
Inside the Nun Factory
Where do nuns come from?
How To Be Sweary
with Professor Timothy Bottom.
Extreme Dinosaurs
Skateboarding plesiosaurs, rollerblading raptors and a brontosaurus with a space hopper.
Octo-Fever
Are you allergic to octopuses?
St Tiddles in the Font
Parish newsletter.
Happismiles Emergency Clown Service
For when your regular clown lets you down.
It's All in the Game
Classic board games from the past.
Global Moistening
Fear of a wet planet.
Mr Gammon's Objections
Shepton Bassett Council Responds
No Offence
The Right Honourable David McGog unapologetically apologises.
Punctuation Crisis
We're running out of apostrophes.
Help a Pirate in Need
These buccaneers desperately need your support.
Bing Crosby Boxing
Punching singers in the mouth.
Cosmos Rocks
In an infinite universe, there is no limit to human gullibility.
Fraudulent Bananas
Phony fruit.
The Language of Dance
Jazz hands and quickstep.
Cock
The magazine for young gentlemen.
Bare-knuckle Snooker
The biggest threat to law and order since badminton
The National Key Museum!
We've got keys!
Is Your Tortoise Roadworthy?
Important news from the Ministry of Tortoises.
Dobbins of Doncaster
Get yourself a quality ass.
Dark Batter
Is the missing mass in the Universe actually pastry?
Drive-by Wallpapering
Delinquent decorating.
Petty Complaints Ombudsman
Giving your batshit insade complaints the respect they deserve.
Not Funny
Prof Jez Moonbeam is laughable.
Top Twenty Albums of the '70s
With Ricky Stratocaster, professor of twangology.
Munchy Burger
Can you cut the mustard as a top burger executive?
Well Stuffed
Rogue taxidermist terrorises family pets.
Stuff Your Bleeding Job
How to resign digracefully.
The Bleeding Obvious
You pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
Spread the Good Word!
Your chance to buy shares in the Salvation Army!
Welcome to Stick World
If you like sticks, well, we've got sticks.
'Ello 'Ello 'Ello, What's All This Then?
Presenting The Metropolitan Police Choir.
All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth 2000-2024, and may not be reproduced without the express permission of the author. All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. || Picture Credits: P.Farnsworth/morguefile.com/craiyon.com. || Privacy Notice: this site does not collect, store or otherwise process your personal data. Sorry, but I'm not the slightest bit interested in you.
