We're Recruiting...

The shortlist so far:

Taken from The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2020. FREE Download

Situations Vacant

FTSE 100 Company requires Pudding Scraper

Must have previous pudding scraping experience. Aunt Myrtle's Premium Puddings is a small family business that currently has factories in over 40 countries. We provide bespoke pudding services and a vacancy has arisen for a fully qualified pudding scraper. The successful candidate will have a natural affinity for custard and a strong sense of trifle.

Are you looking for an exciting new role that will give you the opportunity to spend up to eight hours a day sitting in a tank full of live fish? Our client currently has an opening for someone to spend up to eight hours a day sitting in a tank full of live fish. If you think you're the sort of person who can see themselves spending up to eight hours a day sitting in a tank full of live fish, then give us a call.

Bland Person Required

A vacancy has arisen for a dull, nondescript and inconsequential person in our out-of-town manufacturing facility. You will have access to a plastic chair and a small square of carpet, and your duties will include sitting in a corner quietly and not bothering anyone. May require some night work.

Talky phone person needed to do some of the old chin-wagging on the dog and bone. Must be capable of giving it some real welly and be all over that shit like a proper boss. Give us a bell, yeah?

We are recruiting for a Senior String Polisher. You will be a fully qualified string polisher with at least five years' experience in the industry and a Level 3 qualification in string polishing. You will be resourceful and reliable, with a keen eye for detail and an innovative approach to string polishing. You will also be a Capricorn, have a fondness for small dogs, be interested in local history and enjoy canal boating holidays. Additionally, you will be called Bernie Pamphlet, be aged 46 and live in Dudley. Hello Bernie.

Tour guide wanted for our new 'Tales of the Pharaohs' exhibit. Must be capable of walking like an Egyptian. A working knowledge of all the old paintings on the tombs and the ability to do the sand dance would be an advantage, don't you know, but is not essential.

Domestic Puddle Collector

Commercial Puddle Collector

Two roles available in our puddle collection division.

As a domestic puddle collector you will ensure that all domestic puddles are collected and deposited in our dedicated puddle storage facility. You will be provided with a bucket.

As a commercial puddle collector your role will be substantially the same as a domestic puddle collector, but your working hours will be limited to regular business hours and you will be given a bigger bucket.

PA to the Assistant Head of Stationery

Must have sound working knowledge of paperclips, staples, hole punches and those little string things that they use to bundle paper together.

Semi-articulate Waggon Shunter

Our client is looking for a semi-articulate waggon shunter. Must be able to grunt basic information. Ability to communicate using hand signals would be desirable. Must have a reasonable grasp of nouns and common verbs, but adjectives, adverbs and more complex sentence structures such as similes and metaphors are not required. Must have a history of using the past tense and be willing to learn the correct use of the future tense in the future, although this is not required for the present.

Buyer

Spodung Acquisitions are looking for a buyer to sit around, phone people up and buy stuff: things like spoons, balloons, boots, suits, air fresheners , flea collars, coffee whitener and pencils. Experience desired but would be willing to provide training to the right candidate. Hot drinks and snacks will be provided, so give us a call if you're interested in a career buying stuff like ladders, donkey jackets, space hoppers, inkjet cartridges, fish, teeth, wardrobes, model spaceships, phone chargers, notepads, gearboxes, individually wrapped cheese slices, plastic dinosaurs, old Beatles records, antique castanets and seat covers.

Taken from The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2020. FREE Download

Ricky Stratocaster's Forgotten Heroes

Not everyone makes it into the hallowed halls of rock and roll fame, but a few have their brief fifteen minutes. Here we take a moment to remember some of those who have been forgotten along the way.

Roy Pannick
Lead singer with The Flying Trifles

If you were around in Sheffield in March 1965, you'll know all about The Flying Trifles. They were everywhere: every newspaper, every club, every radio station. They were even guests of honour at the opening of a new branch of Wimpy. According to industry insiders, The Trifles were considered the next Beatles, but then this was the '60s and every group was considered the next Beatles at some point. It was inevitable, therefore, that by the following month they had been completely forgotten.

The band struggled on for another couple of years in the face of mounting apathy before they decided to call it a day. Lead singer Roy Pannick continued as a solo performer for a little while, becoming the warm up act for the likes of the Kinks and Herman's Hermits and driving the crowds wild as he stood in front of the microphone and went 'One, two. One, two. One, one, one. Two, two. One two'. One Two was even released as a single and became a minor hit, but the follow-up, Three Four, failed to chart.

These days you will find Roy working the afternoon shift and the EasySaver Megamart, near Sheffield bus terminus, where he is quite happy to take a break from stacking shelves to chat, reminisce about the old days and sign the occasional packet of Cornflakes.

Sim Rekrap
One-fingered keyboard player with synth-pop outfit Toasted Arcade

In describing Sim Rekrap as a one-fingered keyboard player, I am of course referring to the fact that he played the instrument with one finger, not that he only had one finger to play it with. According to a 1983 interview published in Smash Hits, his signature playing style meant that it left his remaining fingers free to do other things during a performance. Sim did not elaborate on what those other things were.

In the same interview, Sim revealed that his real name was Simon Parker, and that he had cleverly devised his stage name by reversing the letters of his surname. How he came up with the name for the band is less easily explained and the origins of 'Toasted Arcade' remain a mystery to this day. In fact, these days Sim is reluctant to talk about his former life as a pop star at all. He currently scrapes a living as a taxi driver in Nottingham, where you will most likely find him working Friday and Saturday nights. He may not be particularly chatty, but you will be pleased to know that he still has the mullet.

Davy Bottles
Seventies Teen Idol

Davy Bottles might be a name that is familiar to you, since he has had two bites of the fame cherry. As a seventies teen idol he had a run of hits including Girl, Let Me Carry Your Satchel, Schoolyard Romance and Peppermint Kiss. His wholesome, boy-next-door good looks and his cheeky smile ensured he was always in the pages of teen magazines and his posters were on every young girl's bedroom wall. He even made movies, including Glitterball Gangshow in which he played a teen pop star, Spangled Dreamland in which he played a teen pop star, and Ballroom Berserkers in which he played a fish porter, who wanted to be a teen pop star.

But by 1976 the bubble had burst, the records had stopped selling and Davy filed for bankruptcy. He disappeared from view but re-emerged into the public eye in 1996 when, now pursuing a career as a full time actor, he appeared as a regular in EastEnders, playing a fat, balding pornographer. He had a successful eight-month run in the show, but his career stalled once again after he left.

These days you can still find him performing in small theatres and holiday resorts as part of seventies nostalgia shows, but the image of the fat, balding pornographer from EastEnders performing sugary pop ballads like Schoolyard Romance is one that audiences find difficulty in acclimatising to.

Seymour Tonker
Britpop banjo

You've probably heard of Blur. What you probably don't know is that one of their founding members was Seymour Tonker and that their music was originally considerably more 'banjo-y'. It was the combination of Seymour's hectic plucking style and Damian Albarn's soulful accordion work that first brought them to the attention of audiences.

Nevertheless, the band's first record deal only came about on the understanding that Seymour left the instrument at home. Seymour resisted and record company boss Milton P Wodehouse pressured the band into firing him. (Wodehouse, you may recall, is the same man who got rid of the glockenspiel player from Keane.)

So Seymour Tonker was out of the band and Britpop took a very different course as a result - being a mainly guitar-based movement with minimal banjo input. Seymour himself is quite philosophical about it. These days he runs a pub in Chester but if you ask him nicely he's more than happy to whip his banjo out for a quick pluck.

Carole Parsons
Disco sensation

Or rather, Dr Carole Parsons. Little did Carole know, back in 1978 when she released her first single Bip Bip Bip Bippity Bop, that she would one day become a highly respected psychoanalyst whose extremely expensive services would be sought by film stars, celebrities and many of the performers she once shared the charts with.

That first single was a huge hit and was quickly followed by other notable, if lyrically stunted, successes, including Rubba-Dubba Doo Doo, Wim Bam You're the Man and Oopsy Doop (Slight Return). Dr Parsons has dismissed any suggestion that she is embarrassed by the seemingly juvenile output of her former career. Those songs are classic expressions of our inner child, untainted by societal norms, and as such they provide a vital link to the deepest parts of our subconscious and allow for a cathartic re-evaluation of our neuroses.

That's what she says, anyway, and she's got the certificates so who am I to argue?

Jeremy Bellowes-Harpic
Reality TV Star

Two years ago, Jeremy Bellowes-Harpic was everywhere, following his appearances in the popular constructed reality show Posh Wankers in Chester. Basking in the glow of all this media attention, it was only a matter of time before the gormless simpleton decided that there was no way that an acute lack of talent was going to prevent him from realising his dream of becoming a pop star.

His one and only release was both immediately forgettable and an instant hit, and was enough to give him another two years of appearing on cooking programmes, game shows and mid-morning magazine shows. He can still occasionally be found doing nightclub appearances and opening car showrooms, and most people's reaction when he is announced is, quite rightly, "Who?"

Mr Piggles
Fluffy pink one hit wonder

I'm sure we can all remember the naughty pink sock puppet from the popular Saturday evening show Uncle Freddie's Family Fun Time. Laughs aplenty. And you must remember the novelty hit The Piggle Song. Of course you do, it was number one for five weeks in 1987 and no one could get the bloody thing out of their heads.

But did you ever stop to wonder what happened to Mr Piggles when Uncle Freddie was thrown in prison as a result of Operation Yewtree? Well the people who bought Uncle Freddie's house, after the police had finished with it, found the puppet stuffed down the back of a radiator. They cleaned it up, thoroughly, then put it up for auction on eBay.

Now, I know what you're thinking: who would want to buy a creepy, threadbare puppet from an embarrassingly awful 1980s light entertainment show? Well, nobody - nobody would, which is why the people who found just stuffed it back down behind the radiator again.

Fred Forelock
The oldest rocker on the block

In 1981 Fred Forelock was a 72-year-old ex-miner who had a novelty hit with The Oldest Rocker on the Block. Today he is a 23-year-old insurance broker from Brighton. Go figure.

Caveat Emptor
Rock and roll royalty

If I were to ask you where legendary rock band Caveat Emptor are now, then your answer would probably be that they're still going strong and about to embark on yet another farewell tour. You're right, of course: the group, which started in the late sixties, is still rocking out today. But people often wonder what happened to the original line up.

Caveat Emptor's founding members were Rob Rhomboid, Daryl Spike, Lionel Carpets and Colin Findus. This version of the band lasted until 1976 when Rob Rhomboid left due to molecular differences. He was replaced by Jimmy Piccalilli. Colin Findus left the following year and was replaced by Timothy Spall (not the actor). This iteration of the group remained stable until 1988 when both Jimmy Piccalilli and Lionel Carpets decided to ship out, following separate but entirely unrelated pogo stick accidents. They were replaced by Hugo Truffaut and Sir Maurice Crumple respectively.

It soon became apparent that Truffaut and Daryl Spike really didn't get on and both announced their departure, each unaware that the other had also quit the band. Truffaut was replaced by Rob Rhomboid. Remember him? Yep, he'd been there at the start, as had Colin Findus, who also returned to the fold.

In 1998, Timothy Spall (not the actor) departed after, ironically, landing his first acting job. He was replaced by Davy Bottles, former teen heartthrob. Then, in 2001, Sir Maurice Crumple, now Lord Crumple of Windermere, left to take up a seat in the House of Lords. He was initially replaced by Colin Findus, but this was problematic since Findus was already in the band. However, following a chance encounter in Burger King, the band's manager learnt that Daryl Spike was once more available. After leaving Caveat Emptor he and Hugo Truffaut had unwittingly joined the same band once more, and both had promptly left again. Daryl accepted Caveat Emptor's invitation to return.

Finally, in 2004, Davy Bottles quit the band in order to spend more time with his tortoise, and was replaced by original member Lionel Carpets.

So, in summary, if you want to know where the original line up of Caveat Emptor are today, the answer is pretty much back where they started.

Taken from The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2020. FREE Download

Toaster Awareness

Mr Topps:

Ah Ms Perkins, thank you for coming to see me. I hope I haven't dragged you away from anything important.

Ms Perkins:

Oh no, Mr Topps. It was no trouble.

Topps:

Please call me Tony.

Perkins:

Yes Mr Topps. Thank you Mr Topps. And please continue to call me Perkins.

Topps:

Thank you Perkins. Now, Perkins, you've been with us at Topps Toasters for six months, is that correct?

Perkins:

Yes, six glorious months. That's right. Six wonderful, glorious months. Oh yes.

Topps:

Good. Settled in okay?

Perkins:

Oh yes, absolutely. I should say so. Marvellous.

Topps:

Very good. Well look, I'll come straight to the point. When we took you on we were looking for a dynamic, innovative individual who could significantly increase sales of our toasters. We had many, many applicants and we chose you.

Perkins:

And I'm very grateful, Mr Tony. I think you made the right choice.

Topps:

Our toaster sales have gone down, Ms Perkins.

Perkins:

Yes, I had heard that sales had dipped slightly.

Topps:

'Plummeted' was the word that our sales director employed. What exactly have you done to my business, Perkins?

Perkins:

Okay, well, I admit that so far my influence may have been negligible, but -

Topps:

Not negligible - negative, Perkins. Do you realise how much this is damaging me? Do you realise how many ex-wives I have to keep? What have you been doing?

Perkins:

I've been raising awareness, Mr Tony.

Topps:

Raising awareness?

Perkins:

Yes, raising awareness of your toasters. Raising awareness is kind of my thing. When I worked at the council I raised awareness of obesity. When I worked at a charity I raised awareness of homelessness. I'm now raising awareness of toasters.

Topps:

Right... Perkins, this is your first proper job, isn't it?

Perkins:

Oh no, first I worked at the council, then I worked -

Topps:

Yes, but this is your first proper job. A job where you actually have to, you know, produce results.

Perkins:

I don't follow you, Mr Sir.

Topps:

Well, it's like this, Perkins. We make toasters.

Perkins:

I'm aware of that sir. And now, thanks to my efforts, many more people are aware of it too.

Topps:

Don't interrupt, Perkins. We make toasters. But making toasters isn't enough to keep us all in bread and jam. We also have to sell the toasters. Do you understand?

Perkins:

I... no, I don't think I do.

Topps:

Well, all right, think back to when you last bought a toaster.

Perkins:

I don't own a toaster, sir.

Topps:

Well all right, something else. A kettle.

Perkins:

Ah yes, I own a kettle.

Topps:

Good. Andy why did you buy that kettle?

Perkins:

Because I was aware of kettles, Mr Tony sir. I was aware of kettles, so I bought a kettle.

Topps:

Ah yes - but you're also aware of toasters, and yet you haven't bought one of those.

Perkins:

Well, I don't like toast. And yet, in spite of my toast aversion, I have tried really, really hard. I have taken your toasters very seriously, honestly I have.

Topps:

And I'm very glad that you've taken my toasters seriously. Any member of staff whom I suspected of treating my toasters frivolously would be sacked on the spot. But it's not enough.

Perkins:

Not enough?

Topps:

Not nearly enough.

Perkins:

But I've been ever so busy distributing toaster keyrings, toaster balloons, toaster coasters -

Topps:

Toaster coasters?

Perkins:

Toaster coasters. And we've given out thousands of trolley tokens. Trolley tokens are a guaranteed way of raising awareness. They worked when it came to raising awareness of obesity. They worked to raise awareness of homelessness.

Topps:

And yet the world is still full of obese people and homeless people. Granted, you may have made those people more aware of that they are obese or homeless, but one might argue that they were fully aware of that already and didn't need you to come along and point it out.

Perkins:

I see... Yes... On the whole, then, what you seem to be saying is that I have wasted a big chunk of my life pursuing methods which are ultimately worthless and ineffectual.

Topps:

It rather looks like that.

Perkins:

Oh dear. I've just put in an order for eight thousand toaster wristbands. What do I with them?

Topps:

I wouldn't like to say.

Perkins:

Right, well, if that's all I suppose I'd better go away and rethink my entire life.

Topps:

Good idea.

Perkins:

And sir?

Topps:

Yes Perkins.

Perkins:

Thank you for bringing this to my attention.

Topps:

Get out.

Taken from The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2020. FREE Download

 

THE PATAGONIAN SNEEZING FISH

Are you looking for a garden feature that will be the talk of all your friends?

The Patagonian Sneezing Fish is rapidly becoming a favourite addition to ponds as a cheap and environmentally friendly alternative to ornamental fountains. Born in early spring amongst some of the more inaccessible and windswept peaks of the Andes, the Patagonian Sneezing Fish catches a cold almost as soon as it is born. Coughing, snuffling, its eyes bulging and accompanied by near constant sneezing, it makes its way down to the streams and rivers that wind through the lower valleys.

"Their mass migration is an astonishing sight," says local fishologist Lola Mendez. "Thousands of the tiny silver creatures come tumbling down the mountainsides, spluttering, retching and making enough racket to blow your socks off. It's magical."

Their journey back up the mountainside at the end of the season is no less impressive, the plucky creatures harnessing the startling power of their stupendous sternutations to propel themselves back up the slopes to spawn.

You might think that it's no sort of life for a fish and, happily, so do they, which is why many of them would much rather take up residence in the back garden water features of pretentious people from Chichester, Kettering and Kingston Upon Hull. Here their natural sneezing abilities can be put to good use, creating intricate and fascinating water fountain displays.

Order yours now. Just £12.99 each or £59.99 for a pack of six.

And not only that...

Think that a Patagonian Sneezing Fish fountain is just for decoration? Think again. The Patagonian Sneezing Fish is also a great security feature, as professional burglar and all round villain Toby Wallop can attest.

"I was going to knock off this place near Thetford," Toby tells us. "Smart little gaff, out of the way, like - quite promising. Well, I waited until it was quiet and then I was over the back fence and sneaking up to the back of the house to try my luck with the patio doors. Suddenly, as I passed the fishpond, I heard a sudden wet sneeze and was showered with pond water and fish snot. Well I didn't hang about - I dropped my jemmy and my sack and I was out of there, pronto! It certainly taught me a lesson. No more housebreaking for me - from now on I'm going to stick to nicking cars, just like my daddy taught me."

Taken from The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2020. FREE Download