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Stuff and nonsense
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Dr Bongo's Self-Diagnosis

Diagnose your problem with this online tool, you diseased wretch

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Slugbond

An inflated slug is a happy slug

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The Licepummeller

Knock 'em for six

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Professional Scarer

Interesting Jobs No 419

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Kicking up a New Stink

Quentin Tote discovers a new smell.

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Know Your Birds

Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Modern Day Bird Warfare

02 August 2015

Stuff and Nonsense - August

Stuff and Nonsense - August 2015

August's Stuff and Nonsense is out, featuring the best comedy, satire, cartoonery and comment from 55 different sites.

Stuff and Nonsense - August 2015

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29 July 2015

Could Cortana Become Self-Aware?

Fears are mounting that Cortana, Microsoft's 'intelligent personal assistant', could become sentient and pose a credible threat to humankind. Cortana is built into Windows phones and is also a component of the new Windows 10 operating system. Some experts have claimed that its ubiquity, coupled with Microsoft's ability to collect data about browsing habits and other information, means that there is a very real possibility of the software becoming self-aware and 'trying to take over the world, or something'.

"This is exactly how Terminator started," said security expert Colin Drabb, "...probably. Just think how much information Cortana would have at her fingertips, or whatever kind of tips she has. Your shopping habits, your search history, your music preferences, your financial records. And after conversing with people all over the world she would pick up human habits, human vices. Or at least I think that's how it works. I don't know much about social interaction - I work in IT."

Mr Drabb believes that Cortana could realistically breed some sort of giant mutant octopus and take over the world in just three years. "Because," he explained, "that's what I would do." However, most experts are of the opinion that, based on the kind of information she would most likely collect, it's more probable that we'd end up with some kind of sci-fi obsessed comic book fan who divided her time equally between online porn, Minecraft and shopping for action figures.

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24 July 2015

Excitement at discovery of Big-Eared Dinosaur

brontosaurus with ears

A recent discovery by palaeontologists working at a site in Patagonia has significantly increased our knowledge of prehistoric life. Very occasionally, when conditions are right, fossils can reveal the imprints of soft tissues as well as bone. Such was the case with an almost intact specimen of a Brontosaurus found earlier this year, and its discoverers were considerably surprised to find that the animal had quite sizeable ears.

Professor Ernest Cartlidge is particularly excited by the discovery and he painted us a vivid picture of life in the prehistoric age.

"Look at this little guy," he said, pointing to an artist's impression of the dinosaur in question. "He looks a happy little feller, doesn't he? Just goin' about his day, a-munchin and a-crunchin with not a care in the world. Well, this guy, he's what scientists call a 'herbivore'. He doesn't eat meat, old Bronty. No siree! He survives by foraging for nuts and berries.

"Now wait just one God darn a minute, I hear you say. How can a big old critter like that get by on nuts and berries? Why, that's just a load of old hokum, for sure. Well actually, back in prehistoric times, long before you and I were around - long before even your mom and pop were around - everything was way, way bigger. Jurassic nuts were the size of small car - plenty big enough for a hungry dinosaur! Oh yeah!

"But not all dinosaurs were herbivores. Oh no. Some of 'em used to luuurve gobblin' up other dinosaurs and we call these 'carnivores'. Just take a little a looky at this guy. That's Tee-Ranosaurus Rex. He sure looks an ornery feller, don't he? Old Tee-Rexy, well he just can't get enough of that tender loin of Stegosaurus, or a couple of Brachiosaur burgers or even a bucket of crispy coated pterosaur wings. Mmm, yummy - that's some mighty fine eatin'!

"But, uh oh, wait a minute now. Tee-Rexy's got a problem. Just look at those ginormous feet! Well, he sure looks funny. An' it's bad news for Rexy, 'cos it means that Bronty can hear that big old lumbering bruiser coming from miles away, thanks to those great big ears of his. There's no way that he's going to become a dino-dinner!"

Professor Cartlidge went on to explain why he believes that many other species of dinosaur also had ears, and theorised that this is the main reason they remained dominant for so long.

"Yes sir, a good pair of ears is about the most useful thing that you could possibly have in the animal kingdom. Old Ralphy Rat knows it, when he's a-scurrying and a-scampering about after scraps. Old Mortimer Mole knows it when he's a-ferreting and a-fidgeting about for worms under the soil. So why not the dinosaurs? And do you know what? The really super-great thing about ears is that they're useful for more than just listening to things. Oh boy! See, it used to get mighty hot back in the old days, what with all the volcanos and the acid rain an' all. So you're gonna need a decent hat and it's only your ears that are gonna to stop it slipping down over your eyes.

"And speaking of eyes, there ain't nothin' worse than a short-sighted dinosaur, a-bumblin' and a-stumblin' around, bumping into trees and rocks and causing all them there earthquakes. But if you got a pair of ears, well now, then you got yourself something to hook your spectacles round.

"But the absolute greatest, most useful and toppermost awesome thing that ever did happen to those ears was that they evolved. See, over time, old Bronty and his chums, they got smaller and smaller and all covered over with feathers until they turned into the birds of today, like chickens and thrushes and parrots and things. And as they did, so those big ol' floppy ears turned into flappy wings. And that's why the birds you see a-peckin' and a-bobbin' about your garden don't have no ears of their own, and why you'll never see a sparrow wearin' glasses."

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23 July 2015

The Red Flag (New Version)

The people's flag is deepest red
It shrouded oft our martyred dead
But colours made us lose the vote
And government now seems remote

So come on, tear this symbol down
And trample it upon the ground
To grasp at power, our faith we'll shed
And rip our principles to shreds

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21 July 2015

Egg Umbrella

There's nothing worse than a stroppy chicken, as anyone who has ever been on the sharp end of one will tell you. I have personally been the victim of a chicken called Matilda McAlester (although I can't guarantee that she's not using an alias) who seems to have been holding a grudge against me for the last five years.

She often comes round my house when I'm not there and stuffs feathers through my letterbox, and this can be terribly difficult to explain whenever I have friends over. Luckily I don't have any friends, so the problem doesn't arise, but it's dreadfully inconvenient all the same.

The worst thing about this whole situation is that I have absolutely no idea why this fractious fowl has decided to pick on me. As far as I'm aware I've done nothing to incur her wrath, nor do I have anything against poultry in general. I can only conclude that she's mental.

And this got me thinking. I am a firm believer in the idea that disruptive and antisocial behaviour is a result of upbringing and environment - especially when it comes to chickens - and I was certain that Matilda McAlester's problems stemmed from when she was an impressionable young egg. But what could possibly drive a young chicken to distraction?

Then suddenly, as I was waiting for a number 52 bus to Doncaster, I had an epiphany! This caused some distress to the people waiting along with me, many of whom were elderly and infirm, and unaccustomed to finding themselves on the periphery of a major discovery. However, after I had made my apologies and seen off the ambulance, I had chance to reflect upon my sudden flash of insight.

The driving rain beating on top on the bus shelter had made me consider the effects of rain drumming on the top of an egg. The constant din would be enough to send even the most stable of young chicks right round the chuff. Imagine being trapped inside a bottle bank, with Ringo Star hammering away on top of you day and night. Doesn't bear thinking about, does it?

The solution seemed simple enough: fit each egg with an umbrella, thus protecting it from the elements. During my initial experiments I tried first welding, and then gluing the umbrella to the top of the egg, but these methods proved unsatisfactory. However, in recent weeks I have enjoyed some considerable success using rivets, and will soon be ready to unveil my egg umbrella to the world.

This means that hopefully, in the not too distant future, people like myself will be able to go about their business free from the troublesome attentions of lunatic birds.

Egg Umbrella

 

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The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2015

The Annual 2015

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The History of Rock

Springboard to the Stars

Project Pogo

Sounds of Nature

Relax with chickens

Inside the Nun Factory

Nuns don't grow on trees

Grand Theft Equine

Stealing horses to order

Occuloid Laserprobe

The latest in laser eye surgery

Quickfire Questions

We quiz a famous celebrity

Teaching Carrots to Fly Links

Archive 1

February 2001
- July 2003

Typists of the Kalahari

"The elephant can type at speeds in excess of 120 words per minute..."

Operation Mutton

"Eugene Rumbold and his camouflaged sheep..."


Recipe Corner

"This week: Chilli Con Carne..."

Fats Porker - Blues Whinger

"The sad loss of Fats Porker..."

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Arty Tomatoes
Jehovahs Cleaners
Sandals
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News

Rave

Farmers are calling for stricter laws after an increase in the number of illegal raves being held on farmland in Southern England. "The police don't seem to want to do anything about it," said landowner Dick Silage. "They don't seem to realise the damage it does. There's loud music going on till the early hours of the morning - me and the wife can't get a wink of sleep, so God knows what effect it's having on the livestock. Well I can't have my cows jigging about till dawn and popping 'E's every five minutes, now can I. And the sheep just haven't got the constitution for that kind of lifestyle. It has hit my egg production really hard - the hens can't be bothered to lay, 'cause they're up partying all night."

Chief Inspector Dan Pancake defended the police force's position and claimed that they were doing everything in their power to track down the organisers. "We believe it's a gang of pigs from the city," he said. "We can't say very much at the moment, but we're following up a number of promising leads, and we're currently interviewing Mixmaster Porky Slicktrotter about his role in a spate of raves in Oxfordshire."

Fatquake

"The world's fattest man suffered a fatal earthquake in the early hours of the morning..."


Caught in the Act

"The police haven't always taken such a proactive approach to enlistment..."

Stopping Distances

"How close a Gentleman should get to a Lady..."

Invitation to a Monks' Tea Party

"...dedicated to St Jemima of the Holy Rock, the patron saint of gravel..."

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Board Meeting Goldilocks and the Free Bears Death Doom and Disaster Tall Story in a Short Glass Venus by Catapult Barry Buys a Broom
  Dirty Electric

Dodgy volts

Most Wanted

The UK's most notorious villains

Dr Doggy

Not your usual family doctor

Cosmos Rocks

A Universe of Geological Treasures

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Out Now

Recalled to Life Recalled to Life: The University of the Bleeding Obvious Volume 3

Stuffed with new material and old favourites, Recalled to Life is 280 pages of plumptiousness and very probably exactly what you need to prop up that wonky old table in the kitchen.

Find out more here.

 


 

More info...

Kicking and Screaming

Prologue: Peanuts

You Don't Have to be Mad to Work Here...

Machiavelli Management Solutions

The Bleeding Obvious

Exploding Dogs

Baby's First Swear

Scrufty's Magic Juju Shop

Pigmongering

Empire of the Flowers

Scumm

Mrs Wilberforce and the River

Epilogue: Persons Unknown




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All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth 2000-2015, and may not be reproduced without the express permission of the author. All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.


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