Archive 1

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Death

Last week saw the conviction of Coco Corelli, the former circus clown whose secret life as an international hitman turned him into one of the world's most notorious criminals. During a career spanning almost twenty years, Coco 'rubbed out' over two hundred victims, despatching each in his trademark comedy fashion. His favourite method was to drop a piano on them from an upstairs window, although he was not averse to improvising with banana skins or buckets of acid, cunningly disguised as custard. In 1992 he is rumoured to have despatched a high ranking member of the Indonesian government with a steel tipped revolving bow tie, and a year later he assassinated an Australian businessman with a lethal jet of burning napalm from the flower in his lapel. His final victim was fired from a cannon mounted on top of a London office block; his corpse landed in the middle of Oxford Street, without the aid of a safety net. Coco made his escape by bicycle, over a tightrope slung across to the adjacent building. Then, after floating down to street level by means of a colourfully decorated umbrella, he jumped in a waiting car to make his getaway. However, after just three hundred yards the wheels collapsed, the doors flew off and the car came to a sudden halt with a series of comedy clanks and springing noises, allowing police to swoop in and make the arrest.