Art
Selwyn Peach paints Elephants
Scrufty's Magic Juju Shoppe
A tale of oconker mismanagement.
Travel News
Cowboys on the line and bricked up tunnels,
Butterfly
Prof Jim Spanners explains chaos theory
Veg-U-Like
Tomatoes, cauliflower, brussel sprouts and peas - collect the whole set.
Dougal Fridgely
Possible dwarf planet discovered in Tadcaster
Oven Chimps
With none of the greasy aftertaste of regular monkeys.
Know Your Birds
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Modern Day Bird Warfare
Hear and Now
For collectors of rare and unusual sounds.
Barry the Road Safety Owl
No nonsense advice from a wise old bird
Cock
The magazine for young gentlemen.
The Long Range Trouser Forecast
Overnight corduroys and occasional dungarees.
Squeak Off
The big noise in footwear technology.
Bare-knuckle Snooker
The biggest threat to law and order since badminton
The Shepton Bassett Village Fete
In aid of the St Tiddles in the Font Restoration Fund.
The Devil's Arse On Tour
Famous cavern to tour country
Words of wisdom from our resident medic
...Tigers ...Moles ...Farm Machinery ...Hypnotism ...Fruit ...Soap ...Implants ...Pianos ...Happy Clappers ...The Environment
Empire of the Flowers
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Operation Growbag.
'Ello 'Ello 'Ello, What's All This Then?
Presenting The Metropolitan Police Choir.
Wisbech
Theft of town exposed as hoax.
Wind Tunnel Technician
Pardon?
Short and Curly
Unlocking the power of curly hair.
Fleegle
New number has consequences for the future of the universe. And bingo.
History in Focus
An elbow shaker and a lickspittling mumblecrust
Did Man Really Go To Belgium?
The dark truth behind the Belgian conspiracy
What's On in Lower Bumpstead
A packed programme, following that unfortunate incident with the fire eater.
Mr Gammon's Objections
Shepton Bassett Council Responds
Persons Unknown
Mr Frampton is looking for somoeone to blame.
Sounds of Nature
Relax with chickens.
Arty Tomatoes
Guy Pakker's latest artistic venture.
Piffin: A Mediterranean Paradise
Boasting Europe's biggest landfill.
Happismiles Emergency Clown Service
For when your regular clown lets you down.
New Deposits of Earwax Discovered
Significant quantities discovered in Mr Harry Frome
Digital Vicars
The secret ways that vicars communicate?
Pigchums
Meet likeminded pigs in your area!
An Open Letter to Shepton Bassett Park & Zoo
Sorry about your monkeys.
Cold Fusion Sandwiches
A new era in atomic lunches.
The Embarrasment of Nasal Hair Loss
Nostril wigs for all occasions
Debt Matters
Making you aware of your debt.
Jazz Bomb
Raw unadulterated jazz.
Astralguard
Insurance for Astral Travellers.
Criminal Offence Self-Assessment Form
Tick the box if you're a wrong 'un.
How To Be Sweary
with Professor Timothy Bottom.
Help a Pirate in Need
These buccaneers desperately need your support.
Dream Strides
Emergency trousers delivered direct to your anxiety nightmare.
Thinking of Buying an Octopus?
How to look after your squishy friend.
Drive-by Wallpapering
Delinquent decorating.
The Wackiest Person in the UK
Alison Perkins is a mad as a fish.
Greygolds Residential Care Home
Where quality care costs extra.
World of Holes
Europe's leading stockist of quality holes.
The National Key Museum!
We've got keys!
Things Fall Over All the Time
Arthur's train only has wheels on one side.
The Montreux Clinic For Aural Readjustment
Get your wonky flappers straightened here
Space Things
The continuing adventures of Astro Cat.
Dobbins of Doncaster
Get yourself a quality ass.
Doing Lengths
Mr Zing is swimming from pole to pole
An Old Fart Remembers
Do you remember Puthering Day?
It's a Fact!
More facts from the Funky Fact Feller.
Exploding Dinners
Put the fun back into dinner time.
Have you got what it takes to stay in the country?
Be a great Briton. Or get out.
Bean Legacy
This summer, Christian Bale is Mr Bean.
Buttock Express
Your arse in our hands.
Jaggedy
Mrs Lubricant wants a tidiery Britain.
Kicking Up a New Stink
Breakthrough leads to discovery of new smell.
Neighbor Nightmares: The Movie
Two men, one drive, no prisoners.
Gentlemen's Etiquette
How to behave right proper and all that.
Forward to the '80s
How we'll all be travelling in the '80s.
Cosmos Rocks
In an infinite universe, there is no limit to human gullibility.
Out and About
The International Toast Museum and other attractions.
Historic Knees
Knees of outstanding natural beauty.
The Prime Time Gameshow Generator
As used by TV executives worldwide.
Selling Crap for Fun and Profit
The very best in useless tat.
We're No Longer Recruiting...
...but here are some of the unlucky applicants
International Arse Kicking
Bottom kicking for fun and profit.
Nobby Wentworth's Pet Surgery
Save cash - fix your own pets in the comfort of your own home.
Petty Complaints Ombudsman
Giving your batshit insade complaints the respect they deserve.
The Bleeding Obvious
You pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
How to Look After Your Cement Mixer
A great addition to any home.
The Beaufort Scale
Slight wafts and uninvited pumps.
Diagnosis
Professor Wimple has a dirty mouth.
Lillywhite Lenny
On the importance of staying on the fecking horse.
Bing Crosby Boxing
Punching singers in the mouth.
Award for Outstanding Celebrity
New awards for old has-beens
Donald Fact's Fact Blast
It's a Fact, brought to you by Crunchy Flakes.
Auras by Post?
Spruce up your chakras
Optimum Leaning Angles
How to look cool and interesting at an angle.
St Tiddles in the Font
Parish newsletter.
Brixham Trouser Museum
The UK 's premier trouser experience.
Slugbond
Because an inflated slug is a happy slug.
Pooley's Fire Distinguisher
Put paid to that firey bullshit.
The Square Root of Green
Fresh breakthrough in the science of colourology.
Pretty Pictures
Better management through crayons.
Donald Fact's Fact Breakers
Remembering the classic '70s kids' show.
The World Bullshit Record
Team bonding, goal setting and table top brainstorming
The Alternative Olympics
Speed swingball and dodgem rallying.
Welcome to Stick World
If you like sticks, well, we've got sticks.
Flexi Mortem
The only credit card you can use after death.
Marmaduke Irksome: A Retrospective
Talking crap in the House of Commons.
Cosmic Background Apathy
Will the universe keep expanding until it can't be bothered anymore?
Pigmongering
Fergus Pong introduces us to this dying art.
Buy Our Shampoo
Just buy it, ok.
Announcing the iSpong
Totally changing the way that people spong in the future.
Moroccan Dancing Moles
David Attenburger's Wonderful World of Nature.
Ralph Trundle: F1 Driver
We talk to a legend of the circuit
The Great Space Exhibition
Glorious innovations and technical marvels!
Anti-Assertiveness Classes
Tone it down a bit.
Old Clothes
Trading Standards warn against dangerously out of date clobber.
Grampion Strangely's Mountain Rescue
These vulnderable mountains need your help.
Professional Scarer
GRRRRRR! AAAAARRRRGH! GRRRR!
Why Your Printer Doesn't Work
Most of these devices are allergic to paper.
Feathered Friends
Could you befriend a lonely parrot?
Caught by the Fuzz
New Recruitment Initiatives within the UK Police Force.
Man Blames ESA for Domestic Eclipse
Mr Cravat is not happy about where they park their stuff.
Stuff Your Bleeding Job
How to resign digracefully.
In the market for a used policeman?
How to spot a dodgy copper.
Barney's Magic Wonder Show
Belinda Sommers reviews the latest production.
For Kids of All Ages...
Introducing our new range of children's books.
Fine Dining
with Woodroffe Spanker
Something Happened on Tuesday
Probably, but we're not sure what.
Traffic Watch
Heavy vibes are causing delays on the A52.
Cake Rage
Pastry related assaults.
Yeti Makeover
Mrs Stenchtrouser is planning an expedition.
Baby's First Swear
Teach your little angel to swear like a trooper.
Fatquake
A sad farewell to the world's fatest man.
Machiavelli Management Solutions
Discipline over distance.
Skydiving
Skydiving without the unnecessary inconvenience of a parachute.
The Discovery of Vitamin G
Great moments in science.
Rationalising Britain's River Network
Britain's waterways need straightening,
Death By Pastry
A huge pie just hanging in space.
Ricky Stratocaster's History of Rock
Mathew Sandblaster-Trogg
A bouncy little freak.
Food Banking
MPs praise growing industry.
Amateur Stamp Collector Collector
Want to know how much to pay for a Nigel Tomlinson?
Cut Price Chips
You like chips? You like lots of chips?
Mr Bannerman's Evidence
Courtroom confusion.
Tripping the Dark Fantastic
Hello darkness my old friend
The Trivial Accident Group
Have you been slightly inconvenienced at work?
A Ding-Dong Duvets
Prof Reynaud pulls a fast one.
Whose Legs Are These?
The gameshow for all the family
Inside the Nun Factory
Where do nuns come from?
Shave the Moon
Our hairy satellite.
A Fistful of Sausages
Brought to you by the meat marketing board.
Mrs Womble writes...
Sofas are From Mars...
The race to put the first sofa on Mars.
No Offence
The Right Honourable David McGog unapologetically apologises.
Maisy Donnington's Guide to Perking Yourself Up
Turn that frown upside down.
Gin!
Gin, gin and more gin!
Eazee-post
Taking the pain out of internet forums.
Maxi-Lingual for Motorists
Curse fluently in over six languages.
Ant Facts
with Donald Fact.
Songs of Inspiration
Jesus Wants Me For His Darts Team.
Evening Courses
Pseudo-academic subjects and frivolous arts and crafts courses.
World of the Wacky
With the Amazing Mr Ooluv
A Very Local Paper
All the news that's local to Mr Henry Droop, Littlehampton.
Local Heroes
Outstanding achievements in the field of vandalism.
New Rights for Fictional Characters
It's no longer ok to call Oliver Twist a twat.
Carter-Pierrepoint
Particulate mapping of key delivery nodes.
Staff Handbook
A handy guide to your new workplace.
SciFi Fan Draws a Blank
Publisher leaves pages blank to cut costs.
Knitting in Colour
This day in 1956 saw the introduction of the first regular colour knitting patterns.
Cash for Pets
Trade in your unwanted dog.
Emergency Kebabs
When you absolutely positively need a kebab.
Bristletech Industries
Do you need to grow a beard? Fast?
Some more stupid than others.
Barry Buys a Broom
Dirty Doings at Featherstone Manor
Board Meeting
The Day Before Tomnorrow
Tall Story in a Short Glass
The Hedgehog King
The Mystery of the Shitfaced Man
Venus by Catapult
You Again
Death, Doom and Disaster
Goldilocks and the Free Bears
A Career in Printing
Why not specialise in the colour green?
Scoop!
Local frog trapped in drain.
How Long is a Piece of String?
The hit gameshow for all the family.
Echo...Echo
Mr Clutterbuck has an echo... echo... echo.
Cooker Island
Where the toasters roam free.
Here Comes Barry Smith
Wise words from Shepton Bassett's number one coach driver.
Linguini!
Learn to speak fluent pasta.
Rod Stewart and Enya's Rock 'n' Roll Mysteries
Solving crimes and fighting bad guys.
Your Staff Feedback, Your Way
Tired of hearing from ungrateful and misguided staff?
Jars-4-u
Get your jars opened by a professional jar opener!
Brick II
Recycling the rubble.
The Language of Dance
Jazz hands and quickstep.
Noblock and Kerfanderbuck
All smileytangled cockrock strop.
Sugar Free Vegan Diesel
There's no butter in it either.
Munchy Burger
Can you cut the mustard as a top burger executive?
Cheese Genome Finally Cracked!
Scientific proof of the existence of cheese.
Extreme Dinosaurs
Skateboarding plesiosaurs, rollerblading raptors and a brontosaurus with a space hopper.
Maisy Donnington's Cheese Etiquette Page
Your guide to the wonderful world of cheese.
Mind Your Wind
Issued by the Ministry of Gas, 1942.
Maisy Donnington's Office Safety
How to avoid the business end of a stapler.
The Thoroughfare of Success
Dick Smidgen teaches you how to live your life but better.
Gerald de Scooter's Restaurant Guide
Top notch swanky grub,
Well Stuffed
Rogue taxidermist terrorises family pets.
Centuri Space Supplies
Second hand space travel
Octo-Fever
Are you allergic to octopuses?
The Battersea Wigs Home
We never put a healthy wig down.
Spread the Good Word!
Your chance to buy shares in the Salvation Army!
Doing the Lord's Work
Vicars on the job.
Typists of the Kalahari
Shorthand tigers and double entry hippos.
Some People You've Never Heard Of
Rancid Alan Grease and others.
British Gas
Sending foreign gas back home.
No More Glasses!
Fry sausages with just a wink of the eye.
An Important Announcement about Fish
Clever trout and erudite pilcards.
Shark Fishing
Fergus Pong has a shark problem.
Night of the Womble
Unpublished Womble book is dystopian nightmare.
The Delusion of J Henry Proudfoot
We meet an alien archaeologist.
Twenty-First Century Scouting
A woggle for the new miilenium.
Blood Donors Needed
Please bleed into the envelope provided.
Glen Twerk is not at Work
Caveat emptor, quo vadis.
So Special
Special beauty therapies for very special people.
Harry Carson is Watching You
It's a man's life as a modern store detective.
The Unusual Suspects
A message from Det. Insp. Barker Harris.
Dolby Noise Reduction Sausages
Cut out the hiss next breakfast time.
Tony Fold's Country Rambles
with guest rambler, Rory Triffic.
Not Funny
Prof Jez Moonbeam is laughable.
Is Your Tortoise Roadworthy?
Important news from the Ministry of Tortoises.
Christopher Columbus Discoveries Inc
If you've lost it, Chris will find it.
10 Things You Never Knew About Frogs
Frogtastic Facts
Bad Grandma Grammar
The inappropriate erection of words.
Topping Talent
Featuring the Marvellous Undersea Kingdom of Colin Chocolate.
Dark Batter
Is the missing mass in the Universe actually pastry?
Metal Detecting
German U-Boat Found on Devon Beach.
The Wonderful World of Ants
Ants, ants, ants, ants!
Nuclear Garden
Mr Sideboard is not happy about his exploding shed.
Punctuation Crisis
We're running out of apostrophes.
Jehovah's Cleaners
Because cleanliness is nexr to godliness.
The Kidderminster Lemon Exchange
Open now for faster, more reliable lemon exchange.
The Ultimate Procrastination Suite
Just been handed a project but can't be bothered to get started?
Spooky Doings
The magazine of weird and improbable stuff.
Mr & Mrs Pottle are Lost Again
Why can't these people just stay at home?
Teaching Carrots to Fly
The cutting edge of vegetable warfare.
Global Moistening
Fear of a wet planet.
Crystal N.R.G.
Harnessing the mystical bollocks of the universe.
So You've Got a New Manager?
How to stop it crapping in your in tray.
Shepton Bassett - A Vision for the Future
Better late than never, our town plan.
Motorcycle Display Teams
A bunch of blokes twatting about on bikes.
National Consumer Instructions Awards
Confusing, badly translated or just plain weird.
Dilbert's Donkey Solutions
Professional donkey storage.
Fraudulent Bananas
Phony fruit.
Petunia Mulch
Plant psychologist.
The Drivelling
Troubled Hammer film gets new release.
Tax, What Tax?
Sir John Wyndrell has never heard of his own company.
Product Recall
Some of our biscuits may contain canoes.
Puzzle Page!
With the amazing Mr Ooluv.
Galactic Phrasebook
Learn to speak Venusian!
Fats Porker - Blues Whinger
In memory of Crappsville's finest son.
Top Twenty Albums of the '70s
With Ricky Stratocaster, professor of twangology.
The Horse-Drawn Record Player
Equestrian technology.
The Aromatron
A whole new world of smells awaits you.
Core Competencies in Office Furniture
Sign up for a certificate in filing cabinets.
It's a Fact
Fun facts from the Fact Master. Fank you.
What Is It?
How what why when who where and when? Hello?
The Fish Olympics
Piscine polevaulting and haddock hurdles.
Poot
Bigger, Better, Faster, Now!
Introducing Flying Squirrels
Flying into the side of a house at forty knots...
Operation Mutton
The millitary applications of sheep during WWII.
Quality Service at Pooley's
With our motoring correspondent, Martin Carburetor.
Comfy Dinners
A meal fit for a bed.
Are you ready for Digital Ornithology?
Analogue birds are about to be switched off.
It's All in the Game
Classic board games from the past.
One-Sided Dice
One-Sided Dice for Fatalists.
Rob Hammond's Essential Guide to Buddhism
Rob Hammond will give you a spiritual kicking,
The Sandwich Advisor
Buying a sandwich is the third most stressful thing you can do.
A Sustained Corporate Battering
We're concerned about Mr Pyle
All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth 2000-2025, and may not be reproduced without the express permission of the author. All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. || Picture Credits: P.Farnsworth/morguefile.com/craiyon.com. || Privacy Notice: this site does not collect, store or otherwise process your personal data. Sorry, but I'm not the slightest bit interested in you.
