Facebook   Twitter

Site Map

site map

Promo Image


Rogue nuts

Promo Image

Teaching Carrots to Fly

Adventures in vegetable avionics (external link)

Promo Image

Baby's First Swear

Try out the new Swearomatic

Promo Image

Pest Control

Mrs Whitney has tigers behind her shed.

Promo Image


This week we look at Tourettes

Promo Image

Death by Pastry

Earth will be nothing more than a huge pie hanging in space.

17 February 2017

Paper Mammoth

Scientists attempting to recreate a woolly mammoth have hit a snag. "We started at the feet," says Dr Susan Bones, "We made them out of papier mâché and chicken wire, but then we got stuck at the knees. We just don't seem to be able to get the knobbly bits right."

But Dr Bones' team is not the only one trying to resurrect a long-lost prehistoric creature, and her competitors have been less than complimentary. "These people haven't got a clue about basic animal biology and in my opinion they ought to leave this kind of thing to the experts," said Professor Gary Raptor, who made himself a stegosaurus out of Plasticine only last week.

Mammoth foot
submit to reddit

09 January 2017
Cleansing Clay Mask
submit to reddit

08 January 2017

Introducing the Petty Complaints Ombudsman Service

Good evening, and if you're not having a good evening, what are you going to do about it? If the weather's not quite right, or your dinner's gone cold, or there's nothing on the television, or if the noise of the neighbours enjoying themselves is annoying you, then until now you've just had to lump it.

I say 'until now' since from the beginning of this month, people across the country have been able to submit their trifling, inconsequential whinges to us here at the Petty Complaints Ombudsman Service, where we will treat them with the respect they deserve.

Take this example from Gordon Bovary. Gordon is from Kidderminster, so he has a lot to complain about, but his current gripe reads like this:

Dear Sir,

Every night this week I have come home to find a cheap family hatchback parked on the road outside my house. Not only is this car a filthy, bird muck-encrusted eyesore, it has been wilfully positioned in such a way that I have had to walk an extra seven feet in order to reach my front gate.

This is intolerable.

Naturally I have remained alert all week and yesterday I was fortunate enough to catch its owner returning just as I was having my tea. I rushed out to remonstrate with him, angrily gesturing with a fork, and such was my haste that a half-eaten sausage was still impaled on its tines. He could clearly see that I meant business as I forcefully pointed out what rude and anti-social behaviour he was exhibiting.

Do you know what he said? 'It's a free country,' he said. Just like that, the barefaced swine.

Well, I told him. Not when I pay road tax, it isn't. Then he started jabbering on about legal rights and some such stuff, but I wasn't really listening because I was acutely aware that my tea was getting cold.

Anyway, I'm right though, aren't I? Aren't I though? Eh?

Yours Faithfully

Gordon Bovary.

Well, that one's going straight in the shredder. But not all of our complaints are about parking. Most of them are, but not all. Take this email from Jenny_Catlover45552, for example.

are u the peeple wot I complane 2 about the peeple nextdoor, there dog is barkin all the day and they wont do nuthing about it. on wensday it come over the fense and started mesing in my gardin. i tol them that they woznt to let it come over and that if it come over again i wos goin to ring the police and get them done. but then the man sed to me to F off, but i didn't F off, i tol him to F off then i chucked his dog poo back over the fense. then i rung up the police but they sed it woz nuthing to do with them and they sed i shud put it in riting to u. to be honest, it sounded like they woz telling me to F off azwell. so can you arrest my naybour please?

We've got people trying to decipher that one at the moment and will reply in due course - although it's highly likely that our response will be along the same lines as the one the police gave her.

One thing we find is that many of our correspondents are highly knowledgeable legal experts, and obviously this makes our job a whole lot easier. For instance, we have experts on consumer affairs:


I want something done about our local supermarket as they have flagrantly violated my legal rights. Every day for the past year and a half I have been buying a salmon and dill sandwich, a packet of cheese and onion crisps and a diet coke as part of their meal deal. Yesterday lunchtime when I went to make my usual purchases I was told by the assistant that the salmon and dill sandwich is no longer part of the deal. I explained to her that she was actually breaking the law and she had to include the sandwich in the meal deal because of the Consumer Credit Act, but she pretended to not know what I was talking about. She refused to budge even when I told her she could be arrested, so I would like something done about this shameful situation immediately.


Gwendoline Parrot

On Employment:

Hi there. Hope you are well.

I've got a problem. The woman who runs the newsagent's near the station is five minutes late in opening up every morning, meaning that I am always late in purchasing my newspaper. This always makes me very anxious that I may miss my train. This hasn't happened yet, but I'm aware that it's bound to happen at some point in time, and this anxiety provides me with a very uncomfortable start to the day and makes me feel on edge all the time.

As a junior employee of a small logistics company, I know that lateness is one of three things that constitutes gross misconduct (the others being theft and swearing at the boss's children). It is my belief, therefore, that this woman should be sacked.

I have made a few brief enquiries and it turns out that this woman is in fact the owner of the business. Due to this technicality she remains unwilling to dismiss herself, even though I spent some time arguing the point with her just the other morning. I told her in no uncertain terms that her status as proprietor in no way absolved her of her legal duty to sack herself, but she stubbornly refused. Distressingly, as a result of that conversation I missed my train and was banned from the shop for life - which I believe is yet another breach of the law as it contravenes my human rights.

Anyway thanks. Hope you can sort this out.

Gary Poke-Stoges

Assistant to the Executive Head of Meetings

Frisbee Digitally Tracked Logistical Interface Solutions

This email and any attachment is intended for the addressee only. If you have received it in error please don't say anything to my boss. I shouldn't really be doing this during work time, let alone using my work account. In fact, I probably didn't send it all. Yeah, that's it - I bet Kevin sent it when I nipped off to the toilet and forgot to lock my workstation. All right?

And on health and safety:

Hey! Whenever I'm watching the TV and the ads come on the volume always goes up. Surely this is illegal because it could damage my hearing? I'M NOT BLOODY DEAF, YOU KNOW! Anyway, can you see about getting me some compensation?


It's easy to form the opinion that the authors of complaints such as these are spoilt time-wasters with zero sense of perspective and far too much time on their hands. But such an outlook would be doing them a disservice and putting me out of a job. Here at the Petty Complaints Ombudsman Service we realise that everyone has a right to an opinion, however worthless it may be, and by inviting these whinging gasbags to send their ridiculous grievances our way we are at least sparing everyone else the pain of having to deal with them.

If you have a petty and frivolous complaint, and you're looking for someone to pretend to take you seriously, please submit it below and it will be ignored in due course.

Your complaint:


submit to reddit

07 January 2017

Quality Service at Pooley's

Pooley's Service Station

If, like me, you appreciate a satisfying retail experience, then you might find that visiting your local petrol station can be a bleak and dispiriting affair. However, I'm happy to say that in my case those days are now gone, ever since I discovered Pooley's Service Station and Convenience Store on the A39, just outside Barnstaple.

Oh certainly they have the full quota of available fuels, including LPG, and their confectionery range, situated within easy reach beside the cash register, is exemplary - I can confirm that they stock Twixes in both standard and deluxe sizes. But they can also boast something else - quality service.

All too often these days the purchase of fuel and associated motoring paraphernalia is accompanied by a surly disregard for the comfort and wellbeing of the purchaser, usually delivered by some callow and pimpled youth with little understanding of the value of a really good de-icer or a superior screen wash. That's not the case at Pooley's, where the staff are fully trained in as wide a range of motoring products as you'll find anywhere this side of Taunton Deane. And I do mean fully trained. Want to know which air freshener will best complement the slightly worn leather interior of a 2013 Mk V Ford Mondeo? These are the guys to ask.

I was fortunate enough to spend some time talking to owner Mike Pooley, an easy-going chap with some refreshing ideas about non-standard headlight modifications. He told me that quality customer service has always formed the bedrock of his operations. "If customers don't drive off our forecourt happier and more fulfilled than when they arrived," he told me, "then we very much feel that we've failed in our duty." And it is a duty. A very real one.

Mike was also very keen for me to mention the special two-for-one offer that they are currently running on Turtle Wax, and with top deals like that it's hard to see how they could possibly fail to provide satisfaction. But don't imagine that their attention to detail is limited to the motorist's trusty steed (car); they also provide fodder enough for the rider. What I'm trying to say is that they also do a full range of snacks and pies. In fact, they have just about everything you could possibly imagine to assist the weary traveller on his way. Their sandwich range is extensive, encompassing old favourites such as cheese and ham as well as more exotic fare such as egg and cress or chicken tikka, all of which are within their sell-by date. Their range of cold drinks, likewise, leaves little to be desired: they stock both Coke and Pepsi, as well as a more reasonably priced budget alternative.

But if it's something more substantial that you're looking for, then fear not - there is a microwave free for the use of any customers who purchase a qualifying product, plus a hot drinks machine. So why not treat yourself to a warming cup of hot chocolate as you peruse the impressive magazine display, or flick though the eclectic selection of mid-priced CDs at the counter?

Whatever your preference, Pooley's Service Station has something to make your journey a little easier. I can heartily recommend it, and although I'm not local and don't own a car, I can say without hesitation that I am happy to travel upwards of 140 miles out of my way for the sake of a cup of coffee and a Ginsters pasty served at just the right temperature.

This blog post was sponsored by Pooley's Service Station and Convenience Store. Call now for great deals on antifreeze.

submit to reddit

29 December 2016

A Brief Word

We sincerely hope that everyone enjoyed their Christmas and wish you all a happy New Year. For your information there now follows a brief list of names which will feature prominently on The University of the Bleeding Obvious in 2017.

Hercule Merkel

Tobias Poon

Dame Jerimiah Treacle

Mr Bellicose Cheesebiscuit

Shirley Twirly from Purley

Zachariah Pump

Ron and Nellie Butterprompter

Barbie Leg

Lord Sidewinder of Kintyre (Tuesdays only)

The Right Reverend Dennis Cake

As yet, no biographical data is available for these persons. We regret that Dorian Spanners will not be available for the foreseeable future. Thank you.

submit to reddit

Blog Index


Don't Pick the Flowers
Queen Mob's Teahouse
Evan Yeti
Diatribes and Ovations
Bearman Cartoons
Mountjoy Comics
The News Giraffe
Milt Priggee.com/
Broken World News
The Evening Harold
Soz Satire
A Perfect World
Spring Chickens
Liam Francis Walsh
Simon Pinkerton
Home Defence UK
News Mutiny
Tut and Groan


See the full list
The Annual 2017

FREE Download

Or read it online here.


The History of Rock

What Do Your Keys Say About You?

Keyreading for beginners

Tapdancing Across the Sahara

A catalogue of catastrophic failure

The Sandwich Advisor

The National Sandwich Hotline

Piffin: A Mediterrean Paradise

Roly Coconut pays a visit


Quality beards for busy professionals

Unconventional Weapons

Was itching powder used in Vietnam?


Archive 1

February 2001
- July 2003

Barry the Road Safety Owl

"Hey kids! Get off the road...."

Exploding Dinners

"The latest pyrotechnic technology..."

Rob Hammond's Guide to Buddhism

"Using nothing more than a raised elbow..."

Sofas Are From Mars

"A sofa on the surface of Mars..."




Jehovahs Cleaners

Detective Inspector Barker Harris

"You can call me Snuggles..."

Nobby Wentworth's Pet Surgery

"What do you do when you find that your parrot's got jet lag..."


"Welcome to today's edition of Diagnosis..."


"Could you support a helpless pirate?"

Board Meeting Goldilocks and the Free Bears Death Doom and Disaster Tall Story in a Short Glass Venus by Catapult Barry Buys a Broom
  Top Five Interview Tips

Land your dream job

Practical Genealogist

Out now!

New Improved Bullshit

I wouldn't settle for anything less

Tracey's Mobile Hair

Troubled by unruly hair?


Books and Free Downloads

The UBO Annual 2015 The UBO Annual 2016 The History of Rock The Bongo Lectures Kicking and Screaming Dead Peasants Recalled to Life UBO Volume 1 UBO Volume 2 Death Doom and Disaster Goldilocks and the Free Bears

Find out more....


Kicking and Screaming

Prologue: Peanuts

You Don't Have to be Mad to Work Here...

Machiavelli Management Solutions

The Bleeding Obvious

Exploding Dogs

Baby's First Swear

Scrufty's Magic Juju Shop


Empire of the Flowers


Mrs Wilberforce and the River

Epilogue: Persons Unknown

Teaching Carrots to FlyTeaching Carrots to FlyStandard British NunsExtreme Dinosaurs

The University
of the Bleeding Obvious

All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth 2000-2016, and may not be reproduced without the express permission of the author. All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.