Motorists are being warned about the following delays and disruptions to travel today in and around Derbyshire.
In response to years of negative criticism, the National Association of Housebreakers, Pickpockets and Miscellaneous Villains has issued a code of conduct. The Association's president, Micky 'Spanners' Johnson believes that this move is long overdue. He hopes that now the code is in place, the public can finally be confident that their homes will be burgled in a competent manner.
"We know that being robbed can be a difficult and stressful time for many people," said Mr Johnson. "And that's made all the worse when whoever has turned you over is clearly some kind of bumbling idiot. People have a right to be burgled to a professional standard by properly trained criminals, and when that doesn't happen it reflects very badly on the rest of us."
All members of the association will be obliged to comply or face financial penalties. The code covers many areas of their work, including health and safety, dispersal of assets and 'grassing to the old bill'. The association has also instigated a formal grievance procedure and members are obliged to leave a leaflet at the scene of the crime with details of how to make a complaint.
"I think it's high time that our industry got its house in order and that the skill and conscientiousness of our members was recognised," Mr Johnson told us. "For too long our good work has been overshadowed by a few bad apples. The fact is, we're not in this business to upset anyone. After all, if my intention in robbing people was to cause as much dismay, grief, anger and despair as I possibly could, then I'd still be in banking."
Well actually, there's a strong chance that you could be, since octo-pollen is eight times stronger than the pollens that cause havoc for hay fever sufferers every year. And the symptoms are pretty much the same, except that your head will swell up to three times its normal size and when you sneeze you'll pepper your immediate surroundings with ink.
That's why 'octo-fever' has been called the most unsociable of conditions. If your silhouette has an uncanny resemblance to a punchball and you can't be trusted near a trifle without showering it with thick, black octo-mucus, then it's very likely that you won't be invited to parties. You're certainly not coming to any of mine, anyway.
What's more, octo-fever is currently on the rise. At one time you would only expect to suffer from it if you lived on the coast and you didn't practise safe snorkelling. But climate change and whelk migrations have prompted octopuses to move inland and take up jobs in insurance and banking, meaning that you're much more likely to encounter one on the bus to work. As a result, considerably more people now report allergic reactions due to the slime secreted by octopus flesh.
So, is there any relief for octo-fever sufferers? Well, for some time now it has been possible to buy special creams and lotions that can be rubbed into the skin. Unfortunately, it's rarely possible to get the octopuses to sit still long enough to do it, and if you try to pin them down they get all cross and flappy, which really does nobody any good.
Thankfully Dr Heinrich Crabs at the Heidelberg Institute of Advanced Molluscs has the answer.
"Oh hello. Yes, thankfully I have the answer," says Dr Crabs. "It came to me one evening when I was scrubbing my potatoes in the back yard. It's all to do with giraffes. As everyone but the most muddle-headed numbskull knows, the giraffe is the natural predator of the octopus and they can often be seen in coastal regions, wading into the surf and plunging their heads deep beneath the water looking for the squishy little fellows."
Dr Crabs realised that the giraffe is naturally immune to octopus toxins, and that a serum extracted from giraffe blood could be the basis of an effective octo-fever cure.
"That's right," says Dr Crabs. "I did! I did realise this! And from today my octo-cure is available for you at home, you lucky people. Now your allergic octopus reaction can be a thing of the past. Conquer your octo-fear with my giraffe serum and never let explosive ink-snot embarrass you again."
To get hold of your limited edition sample of Heinrich Crabs' Miracle Giraffe Serum, personally signed by the doctor himself, send your stool sample* to:
Hey, what can I do about these damn Octopuses?
*The security of your stool sample is important to us. We will only share it with companies, organisations or individuals if we have your consent to do so.
And now, a party political message on behalf of the British Gas Party
Good evening. My name is Malcolm England and today I want to talk to you about British Gas. Now, I'm sure that you, like me, remember a time when British Gas wasn't just a name; when British Gas was so much more than something that whooshed through your pipes to heat your homes and fry your sausages. British sausages, mind - none of your nasty continental offal tubes. A proper British Banger for a proper British bloke.
No, British Gas was a symbol of everything that was good about the British way of life. It was constant, it was dependable and it was 95% methane. But then something terrible happened to our beloved British Gas. And what was that? Deregulation, that's what. The temple doors were thrown open and suddenly the energy market was exposed to competition from every Tom, Dick and Harriet wanting to peddle whatever filthy muck passed for gas in their own neck of the woods. All of that dirty, nasty, smelly, foreign gas came flooding into the country, mixing with our own and making it impure and greasy and difficult to light.
So where are we today? What happens now when you turn on your oven to cook your beautiful British sausages?
You see, ever since deregulation, you never know whose gas is going to get piped into your home. It could be from France, Germany, Italy, Russia or a million other places. Horrible nasty euro-gas, ladies and gentlemen, which has been proven to give you asthma and interfere with your pets.
'Experts' will tell you that it doesn't really matter where the gas comes from. 'Experts' will tell you that it's all the same, formed from organic matter that was compressed deep in the Earth millions of years ago. Of course, most rational people realise that this is nonsense, and that gas was created by Jesus. We also know that foreign gas is lazy, deceitful, greedy and workshy. After all, it stands to reason that if your gas has come all the way from 'Bongo Bongo Land' it's going to be too puffed out to be of any use by the time it gets to you.
So what I say to you is let's keep British Gas British! The British Gas Party is the only party that is committed to sending foreign gas back where it came from.
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Stuffed with new material and old favourites, Recalled to Life is 280 pages of plumptiousness and very probably exactly what you need to prop up that wonky old table in the kitchen.
Find out more here.
Relax with chickens
Talking rubbish for Britain.
"Going round the world by elastic..."
The XII Fish Olympiad
Was itching powder used in Vietnam?
Quality beards for busy professionals
"...boxes have been found to contain small canoes..."
"Eugene Rumbold and his camouflaged sheep..."
Derek Lennon, a bricklayer from Humberside, has hit upon a brilliant idea which could revolutionise the building trade. By taking an ordinary bungalow and constructing a second bungalow on top, accessed by some kind of staircase, Lennon believes he can effectively double the living area of the building. However, he has experienced difficulties in obtaining a patent for his 'double-low', as he calls it. The Patent Office have already registered a patent for a remarkably similar idea, called a 'house'.
"The police haven't always taken such a proactive approach to enlistment..."
"...madcap antics ..."
"One of the most controversial musicians of recent years..."
"How close a Gentleman should get to a Lady..."more...
of the Bleeding Obvious
All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth 2000-2014, and may not be reproduced without the express permission of the author. All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.