Bare-knuckle Snooker
The biggest threat to law and order since badminton
It's a Fact
Fun facts from the Fact Master. Fank you.
Bean Legacy
This summer, Christian Bale is Mr Bean.
National Consumer Instructions Awards
Confusing, badly translated or just plain weird.
Fatquake
A sad farewell to the world's fatest man.
Jazz Bomb
Raw unadulterated jazz.
A Fistful of Sausages
Brought to you by the meat marketing board.
Caught by the Fuzz
New Recruitment Initiatives within the UK Police Force.
Maxi-Lingual for Motorists
Curse fluently in over six languages.
Greygolds Residential Care Home
Where quality care costs extra.
Petty Complaints Ombudsman
Giving your batshit insade complaints the respect they deserve.
Wisbech
Theft of town exposed as hoax.
Doing Lengths
Mr Zing is swimming from pole to pole
The Alternative Olympics
Speed swingball and dodgem rallying.
Cold Fusion Sandwiches
A new era in atomic lunches.
In the market for a used policeman?
How to spot a dodgy copper.
Words of wisdom from our resident medic
...Tigers ...Moles ...Farm Machinery ...Hypnotism ...Fruit ...Soap ...Implants ...Pianos ...Happy Clappers ...The Environment
The Thoroughfare of Success
Dick Smidgen teaches you how to live your life but better.
No More Glasses!
Fry sausages with just a wink of the eye.
British Gas
Sending foreign gas back home.
Shave the Moon
Our hairy satellite.
The Long Range Trouser Forecast
Overnight corduroys and occasional dungarees.
Cake Rage
Pastry related assaults.
Glen Twerk is not at Work
Caveat emptor, quo vadis.
An Important Announcement about Fish
Clever trout and erudite pilcards.
The Discovery of Vitamin G
Great moments in science.
So You've Got a New Manager?
How to stop it crapping in your in tray.
The Embarrasment of Nasal Hair Loss
Nostril wigs for all occasions
Cash for Pets
Trade in your unwanted dog.
An Old Fart Remembers
Do you remember Puthering Day?
Drive-by Wallpapering
Delinquent decorating.
Hear and Now
For collectors of rare and unusual sounds.
Petunia Mulch
Plant psychologist.
Digital Vicars
The secret ways that vicars communicate?
Short and Curly
Unlocking the power of curly hair.
Linguini!
Learn to speak fluent pasta.
Eazee-post
Taking the pain out of internet forums.
Squeak Off
The big noise in footwear technology.
Grampion Strangely's Mountain Rescue
These vulnderable mountains need your help.
A Sustained Corporate Battering
We're concerned about Mr Pyle
The Trivial Accident Group
Have you been slightly inconvenienced at work?
It's All in the Game
Classic board games from the past.
Extreme Dinosaurs
Skateboarding plesiosaurs, rollerblading raptors and a brontosaurus with a space hopper.
Night of the Womble
Unpublished Womble book is dystopian nightmare.
A Ding-Dong Duvets
Prof Reynaud pulls a fast one.
Noblock and Kerfanderbuck
All smileytangled cockrock strop.
Doing the Lord's Work
Vicars on the job.
Spooky Doings
The magazine of weird and improbable stuff.
Dilbert's Donkey Solutions
Professional donkey storage.
The Montreux Clinic For Aural Readjustment
Get your wonky flappers straightened here
The Sandwich Advisor
Buying a sandwich is the third most stressful thing you can do.
SciFi Fan Draws a Blank
Publisher leaves pages blank to cut costs.
Jehovah's Cleaners
Because cleanliness is nexr to godliness.
Tripping the Dark Fantastic
Hello darkness my old friend
Forward to the '80s
How we'll all be travelling in the '80s.
Mathew Sandblaster-Trogg
A bouncy little freak.
Cheese Genome Finally Cracked!
Scientific proof of the existence of cheese.
Butterfly
Prof Jim Spanners explains chaos theory
The Aromatron
A whole new world of smells awaits you.
Knitting in Colour
This day in 1956 saw the introduction of the first regular colour knitting patterns.
A Career in Printing
Why not specialise in the colour green?
Veg-U-Like
Tomatoes, cauliflower, brussel sprouts and peas - collect the whole set.
Your Staff Feedback, Your Way
Tired of hearing from ungrateful and misguided staff?
Cosmos Rocks
In an infinite universe, there is no limit to human gullibility.
Comfy Dinners
A meal fit for a bed.
Maisy Donnington's Cheese Etiquette Page
Your guide to the wonderful world of cheese.
Poot
Bigger, Better, Faster, Now!
Debt Matters
Making you aware of your debt.
Travel News
Cowboys on the line and bricked up tunnels,
Tony Fold's Country Rambles
with guest rambler, Rory Triffic.
International Arse Kicking
Bottom kicking for fun and profit.
Fleegle
New number has consequences for the future of the universe. And bingo.
One-Sided Dice
One-Sided Dice for Fatalists.
Fine Dining
with Woodroffe Spanker
Gin!
Gin, gin and more gin!
Blood Donors Needed
Please bleed into the envelope provided.
Pigmongering
Fergus Pong introduces us to this dying art.
Fats Porker - Blues Whinger
In memory of Crappsville's finest son.
Neighbor Nightmares: The Movie
Two men, one drive, no prisoners.
Piffin: A Mediterranean Paradise
Boasting Europe's biggest landfill.
Nobby Wentworth's Pet Surgery
Save cash - fix your own pets in the comfort of your own home.
Galactic Phrasebook
Learn to speak Venusian!
Christopher Columbus Discoveries Inc
If you've lost it, Chris will find it.
Nuclear Garden
Mr Sideboard is not happy about his exploding shed.
Cut Price Chips
You like chips? You like lots of chips?
The Battersea Wigs Home
We never put a healthy wig down.
Here Comes Barry Smith
Wise words from Shepton Bassett's number one coach driver.
Why Your Printer Doesn't Work
Most of these devices are allergic to paper.
Ant Facts
with Donald Fact.
New Deposits of Earwax Discovered
Significant quantities discovered in Mr Harry Frome
Diagnosis
Professor Wimple has a dirty mouth.
The Fish Olympics
Piscine polevaulting and haddock hurdles.
Traffic Watch
Heavy vibes are causing delays on the A52.
Songs of Inspiration
Jesus Wants Me For His Darts Team.
Sounds of Nature
Relax with chickens.
An Open Letter to Shepton Bassett Park & Zoo
Sorry about your monkeys.
Octo-Fever
Are you allergic to octopuses?
Global Moistening
Fear of a wet planet.
A Very Local Paper
All the news that's local to Mr Henry Droop, Littlehampton.
Donald Fact's Fact Breakers
Remembering the classic '70s kids' show.
Mr Bannerman's Evidence
Courtroom confusion.
Selling Crap for Fun and Profit
The very best in useless tat.
Buttock Express
Your arse in our hands.
Emergency Kebabs
When you absolutely positively need a kebab.
How Long is a Piece of String?
The hit gameshow for all the family.
Help a Pirate in Need
These buccaneers desperately need your support.
What's On in Lower Bumpstead
A packed programme, following that unfortunate incident with the fire eater.
Scoop!
Local frog trapped in drain.
Death By Pastry
A huge pie just hanging in space.
Buy Our Shampoo
Just buy it, ok.
Gerald de Scooter's Restaurant Guide
Top notch swanky grub,
Quality Service at Pooley's
With our motoring correspondent, Martin Carburetor.
Pooley's Fire Distinguisher
Put paid to that firey bullshit.
The Language of Dance
Jazz hands and quickstep.
The Drivelling
Troubled Hammer film gets new release.
New Rights for Fictional Characters
It's no longer ok to call Oliver Twist a twat.
Tax, What Tax?
Sir John Wyndrell has never heard of his own company.
Dolby Noise Reduction Sausages
Cut out the hiss next breakfast time.
Echo...Echo
Mr Clutterbuck has an echo... echo... echo.
Man Blames ESA for Domestic Eclipse
Mr Cravat is not happy about where they park their stuff.
Rod Stewart and Enya's Rock 'n' Roll Mysteries
Solving crimes and fighting bad guys.
Are you ready for Digital Ornithology?
Analogue birds are about to be switched off.
Donald Fact's Fact Blast
It's a Fact, brought to you by Crunchy Flakes.
Baby's First Swear
Teach your little angel to swear like a trooper.
Art
Selwyn Peach paints Elephants
Dobbins of Doncaster
Get yourself a quality ass.
Optimum Leaning Angles
How to look cool and interesting at an angle.
Product Recall
Some of our biscuits may contain canoes.
History in Focus
An elbow shaker and a lickspittling mumblecrust
Ricky Stratocaster's History of Rock
Dream Strides
Emergency trousers delivered direct to your anxiety nightmare.
Mind Your Wind
Issued by the Ministry of Gas, 1942.
10 Things You Never Knew About Frogs
Frogtastic Facts
Not Funny
Prof Jez Moonbeam is laughable.
Stuff Your Bleeding Job
How to resign digracefully.
The Ultimate Procrastination Suite
Just been handed a project but can't be bothered to get started?
Lillywhite Lenny
On the importance of staying on the fecking horse.
World of Holes
Europe's leading stockist of quality holes.
Some People You've Never Heard Of
Rancid Alan Grease and others.
Astralguard
Insurance for Astral Travellers.
Mr Gammon's Objections
Shepton Bassett Council Responds
The Beaufort Scale
Slight wafts and uninvited pumps.
Mrs Womble writes...
Professional Scarer
GRRRRRR! AAAAARRRRGH! GRRRR!
Know Your Birds
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Modern Day Bird Warfare
Brixham Trouser Museum
The UK 's premier trouser experience.
Wind Tunnel Technician
Pardon?
The Square Root of Green
Fresh breakthrough in the science of colourology.
Maisy Donnington's Guide to Perking Yourself Up
Turn that frown upside down.
Out and About
The International Toast Museum and other attractions.
Flexi Mortem
The only credit card you can use after death.
Historic Knees
Knees of outstanding natural beauty.
Cosmic Background Apathy
Will the universe keep expanding until it can't be bothered anymore?
Exploding Dinners
Put the fun back into dinner time.
Introducing Flying Squirrels
Flying into the side of a house at forty knots...
Old Clothes
Trading Standards warn against dangerously out of date clobber.
The Shepton Bassett Village Fete
In aid of the St Tiddles in the Font Restoration Fund.
Pretty Pictures
Better management through crayons.
Crystal N.R.G.
Harnessing the mystical bollocks of the universe.
World of the Wacky
With the Amazing Mr Ooluv
The Kidderminster Lemon Exchange
Open now for faster, more reliable lemon exchange.
It's a Fact!
More facts from the Funky Fact Feller.
The Wackiest Person in the UK
Alison Perkins is a mad as a fish.
Some more stupid than others.
Barry Buys a Broom
Dirty Doings at Featherstone Manor
Board Meeting
The Day Before Tomnorrow
Tall Story in a Short Glass
The Hedgehog King
The Mystery of the Shitfaced Man
Venus by Catapult
You Again
Death, Doom and Disaster
Goldilocks and the Free Bears
Evening Courses
Pseudo-academic subjects and frivolous arts and crafts courses.
Bristletech Industries
Do you need to grow a beard? Fast?
Auras by Post?
Spruce up your chakras
Space Things
The continuing adventures of Astro Cat.
Typists of the Kalahari
Shorthand tigers and double entry hippos.
Empire of the Flowers
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Operation Growbag.
Is Your Tortoise Roadworthy?
Important news from the Ministry of Tortoises.
The Delusion of J Henry Proudfoot
We meet an alien archaeologist.
Motorcycle Display Teams
A bunch of blokes twatting about on bikes.
Yeti Makeover
Mrs Stenchtrouser is planning an expedition.
Cock
The magazine for young gentlemen.
Jaggedy
Mrs Lubricant wants a tidiery Britain.
Ralph Trundle: F1 Driver
We talk to a legend of the circuit
Sugar Free Vegan Diesel
There's no butter in it either.
The Great Space Exhibition
Glorious innovations and technical marvels!
Jars-4-u
Get your jars opened by a professional jar opener!
Something Happened on Tuesday
Probably, but we're not sure what.
Marmaduke Irksome: A Retrospective
Talking crap in the House of Commons.
Barney's Magic Wonder Show
Belinda Sommers reviews the latest production.
Persons Unknown
Mr Frampton is looking for somoeone to blame.
Punctuation Crisis
We're running out of apostrophes.
Inside the Nun Factory
Where do nuns come from?
Metal Detecting
German U-Boat Found on Devon Beach.
Moroccan Dancing Moles
David Attenburger's Wonderful World of Nature.
Announcing the iSpong
Totally changing the way that people spong in the future.
Food Banking
MPs praise growing industry.
Operation Mutton
The millitary applications of sheep during WWII.
Slugbond
Because an inflated slug is a happy slug.
Bad Grandma Grammar
The inappropriate erection of words.
Topping Talent
Featuring the Marvellous Undersea Kingdom of Colin Chocolate.
No Offence
The Right Honourable David McGog unapologetically apologises.
Feathered Friends
Could you befriend a lonely parrot?
Scrufty's Magic Juju Shoppe
A tale of oconker mismanagement.
Mr & Mrs Pottle are Lost Again
Why can't these people just stay at home?
Award for Outstanding Celebrity
New awards for old has-beens
Anti-Assertiveness Classes
Tone it down a bit.
Sofas are From Mars...
The race to put the first sofa on Mars.
The Bleeding Obvious
You pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
Teaching Carrots to Fly
The cutting edge of vegetable warfare.
Puzzle Page!
With the amazing Mr Ooluv.
Shepton Bassett - A Vision for the Future
Better late than never, our town plan.
Pigchums
Meet likeminded pigs in your area!
Fraudulent Bananas
Phony fruit.
Staff Handbook
A handy guide to your new workplace.
Machiavelli Management Solutions
Discipline over distance.
The Horse-Drawn Record Player
Equestrian technology.
Barry the Road Safety Owl
No nonsense advice from a wise old bird
'Ello 'Ello 'Ello, What's All This Then?
Presenting The Metropolitan Police Choir.
Top Twenty Albums of the '70s
With Ricky Stratocaster, professor of twangology.
Local Heroes
Outstanding achievements in the field of vandalism.
Shark Fishing
Fergus Pong has a shark problem.
The National Key Museum!
We've got keys!
For Kids of All Ages...
Introducing our new range of children's books.
How to Look After Your Cement Mixer
A great addition to any home.
The Devil's Arse On Tour
Famous cavern to tour country
Dougal Fridgely
Possible dwarf planet discovered in Tadcaster
Dark Batter
Is the missing mass in the Universe actually pastry?
Core Competencies in Office Furniture
Sign up for a certificate in filing cabinets.
Criminal Offence Self-Assessment Form
Tick the box if you're a wrong 'un.
Welcome to Stick World
If you like sticks, well, we've got sticks.
Rob Hammond's Essential Guide to Buddhism
Rob Hammond will give you a spiritual kicking,
Maisy Donnington's Office Safety
How to avoid the business end of a stapler.
Things Fall Over All the Time
Arthur's train only has wheels on one side.
Did Man Really Go To Belgium?
The dark truth behind the Belgian conspiracy
Oven Chimps
With none of the greasy aftertaste of regular monkeys.
Happismiles Emergency Clown Service
For when your regular clown lets you down.
So Special
Special beauty therapies for very special people.
What Is It?
How what why when who where and when? Hello?
St Tiddles in the Font
Parish newsletter.
Well Stuffed
Rogue taxidermist terrorises family pets.
Twenty-First Century Scouting
A woggle for the new miilenium.
The World Bullshit Record
Team bonding, goal setting and table top brainstorming
Spread the Good Word!
Your chance to buy shares in the Salvation Army!
Centuri Space Supplies
Second hand space travel
The Wonderful World of Ants
Ants, ants, ants, ants!
Cooker Island
Where the toasters roam free.
Kicking Up a New Stink
Breakthrough leads to discovery of new smell.
The Prime Time Gameshow Generator
As used by TV executives worldwide.
Carter-Pierrepoint
Particulate mapping of key delivery nodes.
Brick II
Recycling the rubble.
How To Be Sweary
with Professor Timothy Bottom.
Rationalising Britain's River Network
Britain's waterways need straightening,
The Unusual Suspects
A message from Det. Insp. Barker Harris.
Gentlemen's Etiquette
How to behave right proper and all that.
Arty Tomatoes
Guy Pakker's latest artistic venture.
Munchy Burger
Can you cut the mustard as a top burger executive?
Harry Carson is Watching You
It's a man's life as a modern store detective.
Whose Legs Are These?
The gameshow for all the family
Amateur Stamp Collector Collector
Want to know how much to pay for a Nigel Tomlinson?
Have you got what it takes to stay in the country?
Be a great Briton. Or get out.
Thinking of Buying an Octopus?
How to look after your squishy friend.
We're No Longer Recruiting...
...but here are some of the unlucky applicants
Skydiving
Skydiving without the unnecessary inconvenience of a parachute.
Bing Crosby Boxing
Punching singers in the mouth.
All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth 2000-2025, and may not be reproduced without the express permission of the author. All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. || Picture Credits: P.Farnsworth/morguefile.com/craiyon.com. || Privacy Notice: this site does not collect, store or otherwise process your personal data. Sorry, but I'm not the slightest bit interested in you.
