Fine Dining
with Woodroffe Spanker
Lillywhite Lenny
On the importance of staying on the fecking horse.
Oven Chimps
With none of the greasy aftertaste of regular monkeys.
Traffic Watch
Heavy vibes are causing delays on the A52.
Arty Tomatoes
Guy Pakker's latest artistic venture.
SciFi Fan Draws a Blank
Publisher leaves pages blank to cut costs.
Help a Pirate in Need
These buccaneers desperately need your support.
Scoop!
Local frog trapped in drain.
Sugar Free Vegan Diesel
There's no butter in it either.
Mr Gammon's Objections
Shepton Bassett Council Responds
Hear and Now
For collectors of rare and unusual sounds.
Pigmongering
Fergus Pong introduces us to this dying art.
Welcome to Stick World
If you like sticks, well, we've got sticks.
Persons Unknown
Mr Frampton is looking for somoeone to blame.
Knitting in Colour
This day in 1956 saw the introduction of the first regular colour knitting patterns.
The Drivelling
Troubled Hammer film gets new release.
Words of wisdom from our resident medic
...Tigers ...Moles ...Farm Machinery ...Hypnotism ...Fruit ...Soap ...Implants ...Pianos ...Happy Clappers ...The Environment
Digital Vicars
The secret ways that vicars communicate?
Selling Crap for Fun and Profit
The very best in useless tat.
Rationalising Britain's River Network
Britain's waterways need straightening,
Man Blames ESA for Domestic Eclipse
Mr Cravat is not happy about where they park their stuff.
Product Recall
Some of our biscuits may contain canoes.
An Old Fart Remembers
Do you remember Puthering Day?
Machiavelli Management Solutions
Discipline over distance.
We're No Longer Recruiting...
...but here are some of the unlucky applicants
New Deposits of Earwax Discovered
Significant quantities discovered in Mr Harry Frome
Noblock and Kerfanderbuck
All smileytangled cockrock strop.
Empire of the Flowers
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Operation Growbag.
Local Heroes
Outstanding achievements in the field of vandalism.
How Long is a Piece of String?
The hit gameshow for all the family.
Is Your Tortoise Roadworthy?
Important news from the Ministry of Tortoises.
Petty Complaints Ombudsman
Giving your batshit insade complaints the respect they deserve.
Bing Crosby Boxing
Punching singers in the mouth.
Travel News
Cowboys on the line and bricked up tunnels,
Christopher Columbus Discoveries Inc
If you've lost it, Chris will find it.
Cash for Pets
Trade in your unwanted dog.
Marmaduke Irksome: A Retrospective
Talking crap in the House of Commons.
Squeak Off
The big noise in footwear technology.
The National Key Museum!
We've got keys!
Echo...Echo
Mr Clutterbuck has an echo... echo... echo.
Your Staff Feedback, Your Way
Tired of hearing from ungrateful and misguided staff?
Donald Fact's Fact Blast
It's a Fact, brought to you by Crunchy Flakes.
Maisy Donnington's Cheese Etiquette Page
Your guide to the wonderful world of cheese.
Nuclear Garden
Mr Sideboard is not happy about his exploding shed.
Spread the Good Word!
Your chance to buy shares in the Salvation Army!
Doing the Lord's Work
Vicars on the job.
Space Things
The continuing adventures of Astro Cat.
History in Focus
An elbow shaker and a lickspittling mumblecrust
Teaching Carrots to Fly
The cutting edge of vegetable warfare.
Ant Facts
with Donald Fact.
The Long Range Trouser Forecast
Overnight corduroys and occasional dungarees.
Optimum Leaning Angles
How to look cool and interesting at an angle.
Donald Fact's Fact Breakers
Remembering the classic '70s kids' show.
Doing Lengths
Mr Zing is swimming from pole to pole
Butterfly
Prof Jim Spanners explains chaos theory
Happismiles Emergency Clown Service
For when your regular clown lets you down.
Glen Twerk is not at Work
Caveat emptor, quo vadis.
Sofas are From Mars...
The race to put the first sofa on Mars.
Emergency Kebabs
When you absolutely positively need a kebab.
Carter-Pierrepoint
Particulate mapping of key delivery nodes.
Exploding Dinners
Put the fun back into dinner time.
Art
Selwyn Peach paints Elephants
Cold Fusion Sandwiches
A new era in atomic lunches.
The Aromatron
A whole new world of smells awaits you.
Top Twenty Albums of the '70s
With Ricky Stratocaster, professor of twangology.
'Ello 'Ello 'Ello, What's All This Then?
Presenting The Metropolitan Police Choir.
Barry the Road Safety Owl
No nonsense advice from a wise old bird
The Prime Time Gameshow Generator
As used by TV executives worldwide.
Maisy Donnington's Office Safety
How to avoid the business end of a stapler.
Mind Your Wind
Issued by the Ministry of Gas, 1942.
Wisbech
Theft of town exposed as hoax.
Brick II
Recycling the rubble.
Professional Scarer
GRRRRRR! AAAAARRRRGH! GRRRR!
Know Your Birds
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Modern Day Bird Warfare
Grampion Strangely's Mountain Rescue
These vulnderable mountains need your help.
Evening Courses
Pseudo-academic subjects and frivolous arts and crafts courses.
Maxi-Lingual for Motorists
Curse fluently in over six languages.
The Delusion of J Henry Proudfoot
We meet an alien archaeologist.
Dilbert's Donkey Solutions
Professional donkey storage.
The Embarrasment of Nasal Hair Loss
Nostril wigs for all occasions
Jaggedy
Mrs Lubricant wants a tidiery Britain.
Topping Talent
Featuring the Marvellous Undersea Kingdom of Colin Chocolate.
Mr & Mrs Pottle are Lost Again
Why can't these people just stay at home?
The Sandwich Advisor
Buying a sandwich is the third most stressful thing you can do.
Veg-U-Like
Tomatoes, cauliflower, brussel sprouts and peas - collect the whole set.
Jazz Bomb
Raw unadulterated jazz.
The Beaufort Scale
Slight wafts and uninvited pumps.
The Trivial Accident Group
Have you been slightly inconvenienced at work?
Cosmos Rocks
In an infinite universe, there is no limit to human gullibility.
Bare-knuckle Snooker
The biggest threat to law and order since badminton
What's On in Lower Bumpstead
A packed programme, following that unfortunate incident with the fire eater.
Shepton Bassett - A Vision for the Future
Better late than never, our town plan.
Operation Mutton
The millitary applications of sheep during WWII.
Jehovah's Cleaners
Because cleanliness is nexr to godliness.
No More Glasses!
Fry sausages with just a wink of the eye.
Brixham Trouser Museum
The UK 's premier trouser experience.
Crystal N.R.G.
Harnessing the mystical bollocks of the universe.
New Rights for Fictional Characters
It's no longer ok to call Oliver Twist a twat.
What Is It?
How what why when who where and when? Hello?
The Ultimate Procrastination Suite
Just been handed a project but can't be bothered to get started?
The Wonderful World of Ants
Ants, ants, ants, ants!
Centuri Space Supplies
Second hand space travel
Amateur Stamp Collector Collector
Want to know how much to pay for a Nigel Tomlinson?
Gin!
Gin, gin and more gin!
So Special
Special beauty therapies for very special people.
Metal Detecting
German U-Boat Found on Devon Beach.
Astralguard
Insurance for Astral Travellers.
Dolby Noise Reduction Sausages
Cut out the hiss next breakfast time.
Food Banking
MPs praise growing industry.
National Consumer Instructions Awards
Confusing, badly translated or just plain weird.
Buy Our Shampoo
Just buy it, ok.
Gerald de Scooter's Restaurant Guide
Top notch swanky grub,
A Fistful of Sausages
Brought to you by the meat marketing board.
Mr Bannerman's Evidence
Courtroom confusion.
It's a Fact
Fun facts from the Fact Master. Fank you.
The Wackiest Person in the UK
Alison Perkins is a mad as a fish.
World of the Wacky
With the Amazing Mr Ooluv
Criminal Offence Self-Assessment Form
Tick the box if you're a wrong 'un.
No Offence
The Right Honourable David McGog unapologetically apologises.
Harry Carson is Watching You
It's a man's life as a modern store detective.
Blood Donors Needed
Please bleed into the envelope provided.
A Very Local Paper
All the news that's local to Mr Henry Droop, Littlehampton.
Octo-Fever
Are you allergic to octopuses?
Bristletech Industries
Do you need to grow a beard? Fast?
Jars-4-u
Get your jars opened by a professional jar opener!
Puzzle Page!
With the amazing Mr Ooluv.
The Shepton Bassett Village Fete
In aid of the St Tiddles in the Font Restoration Fund.
How to Look After Your Cement Mixer
A great addition to any home.
Old Clothes
Trading Standards warn against dangerously out of date clobber.
Ricky Stratocaster's History of Rock
Neighbor Nightmares: The Movie
Two men, one drive, no prisoners.
Fleegle
New number has consequences for the future of the universe. And bingo.
Drive-by Wallpapering
Delinquent decorating.
How To Be Sweary
with Professor Timothy Bottom.
Dream Strides
Emergency trousers delivered direct to your anxiety nightmare.
Rod Stewart and Enya's Rock 'n' Roll Mysteries
Solving crimes and fighting bad guys.
Slugbond
Because an inflated slug is a happy slug.
Death By Pastry
A huge pie just hanging in space.
Scrufty's Magic Juju Shoppe
A tale of oconker mismanagement.
The Great Space Exhibition
Glorious innovations and technical marvels!
Punctuation Crisis
We're running out of apostrophes.
Piffin: A Mediterranean Paradise
Boasting Europe's biggest landfill.
Mrs Womble writes...
One-Sided Dice
One-Sided Dice for Fatalists.
It's a Fact!
More facts from the Funky Fact Feller.
Core Competencies in Office Furniture
Sign up for a certificate in filing cabinets.
The Square Root of Green
Fresh breakthrough in the science of colourology.
Not Funny
Prof Jez Moonbeam is laughable.
Baby's First Swear
Teach your little angel to swear like a trooper.
A Career in Printing
Why not specialise in the colour green?
Songs of Inspiration
Jesus Wants Me For His Darts Team.
Tony Fold's Country Rambles
with guest rambler, Rory Triffic.
Introducing Flying Squirrels
Flying into the side of a house at forty knots...
The Horse-Drawn Record Player
Equestrian technology.
Dark Batter
Is the missing mass in the Universe actually pastry?
Comfy Dinners
A meal fit for a bed.
Poot
Bigger, Better, Faster, Now!
Moroccan Dancing Moles
David Attenburger's Wonderful World of Nature.
The Thoroughfare of Success
Dick Smidgen teaches you how to live your life but better.
Forward to the '80s
How we'll all be travelling in the '80s.
Debt Matters
Making you aware of your debt.
The Montreux Clinic For Aural Readjustment
Get your wonky flappers straightened here
10 Things You Never Knew About Frogs
Frogtastic Facts
Some more stupid than others.
Barry Buys a Broom
Dirty Doings at Featherstone Manor
Board Meeting
The Day Before Tomnorrow
Tall Story in a Short Glass
The Hedgehog King
The Mystery of the Shitfaced Man
Venus by Catapult
You Again
Death, Doom and Disaster
Goldilocks and the Free Bears
Tax, What Tax?
Sir John Wyndrell has never heard of his own company.
Spooky Doings
The magazine of weird and improbable stuff.
Feathered Friends
Could you befriend a lonely parrot?
Shave the Moon
Our hairy satellite.
Rob Hammond's Essential Guide to Buddhism
Rob Hammond will give you a spiritual kicking,
Maisy Donnington's Guide to Perking Yourself Up
Turn that frown upside down.
Cooker Island
Where the toasters roam free.
Cheese Genome Finally Cracked!
Scientific proof of the existence of cheese.
International Arse Kicking
Bottom kicking for fun and profit.
Quality Service at Pooley's
With our motoring correspondent, Martin Carburetor.
Galactic Phrasebook
Learn to speak Venusian!
St Tiddles in the Font
Parish newsletter.
Gentlemen's Etiquette
How to behave right proper and all that.
Cosmic Background Apathy
Will the universe keep expanding until it can't be bothered anymore?
Inside the Nun Factory
Where do nuns come from?
Auras by Post?
Spruce up your chakras
Cut Price Chips
You like chips? You like lots of chips?
Global Moistening
Fear of a wet planet.
The Devil's Arse On Tour
Famous cavern to tour country
Greygolds Residential Care Home
Where quality care costs extra.
It's All in the Game
Classic board games from the past.
The Fish Olympics
Piscine polevaulting and haddock hurdles.
An Important Announcement about Fish
Clever trout and erudite pilcards.
Diagnosis
Professor Wimple has a dirty mouth.
Typists of the Kalahari
Shorthand tigers and double entry hippos.
Historic Knees
Knees of outstanding natural beauty.
Staff Handbook
A handy guide to your new workplace.
The World Bullshit Record
Team bonding, goal setting and table top brainstorming
The Bleeding Obvious
You pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
Bad Grandma Grammar
The inappropriate erection of words.
Something Happened on Tuesday
Probably, but we're not sure what.
Ralph Trundle: F1 Driver
We talk to a legend of the circuit
Munchy Burger
Can you cut the mustard as a top burger executive?
Are you ready for Digital Ornithology?
Analogue birds are about to be switched off.
Pigchums
Meet likeminded pigs in your area!
Wind Tunnel Technician
Pardon?
Kicking Up a New Stink
Breakthrough leads to discovery of new smell.
Motorcycle Display Teams
A bunch of blokes twatting about on bikes.
Some People You've Never Heard Of
Rancid Alan Grease and others.
Night of the Womble
Unpublished Womble book is dystopian nightmare.
So You've Got a New Manager?
How to stop it crapping in your in tray.
Skydiving
Skydiving without the unnecessary inconvenience of a parachute.
Did Man Really Go To Belgium?
The dark truth behind the Belgian conspiracy
Extreme Dinosaurs
Skateboarding plesiosaurs, rollerblading raptors and a brontosaurus with a space hopper.
A Ding-Dong Duvets
Prof Reynaud pulls a fast one.
The Kidderminster Lemon Exchange
Open now for faster, more reliable lemon exchange.
Fatquake
A sad farewell to the world's fatest man.
Caught by the Fuzz
New Recruitment Initiatives within the UK Police Force.
Cake Rage
Pastry related assaults.
Whose Legs Are These?
The gameshow for all the family
Dobbins of Doncaster
Get yourself a quality ass.
Twenty-First Century Scouting
A woggle for the new miilenium.
Why Your Printer Doesn't Work
Most of these devices are allergic to paper.
Here Comes Barry Smith
Wise words from Shepton Bassett's number one coach driver.
The Language of Dance
Jazz hands and quickstep.
Sounds of Nature
Relax with chickens.
A Sustained Corporate Battering
We're concerned about Mr Pyle
Award for Outstanding Celebrity
New awards for old has-beens
Stuff Your Bleeding Job
How to resign digracefully.
Cock
The magazine for young gentlemen.
Have you got what it takes to stay in the country?
Be a great Briton. Or get out.
In the market for a used policeman?
How to spot a dodgy copper.
Linguini!
Learn to speak fluent pasta.
For Kids of All Ages...
Introducing our new range of children's books.
Announcing the iSpong
Totally changing the way that people spong in the future.
The Discovery of Vitamin G
Great moments in science.
World of Holes
Europe's leading stockist of quality holes.
Pooley's Fire Distinguisher
Put paid to that firey bullshit.
Mathew Sandblaster-Trogg
A bouncy little freak.
Short and Curly
Unlocking the power of curly hair.
Pretty Pictures
Better management through crayons.
The Unusual Suspects
A message from Det. Insp. Barker Harris.
The Battersea Wigs Home
We never put a healthy wig down.
The Alternative Olympics
Speed swingball and dodgem rallying.
Fraudulent Bananas
Phony fruit.
British Gas
Sending foreign gas back home.
Thinking of Buying an Octopus?
How to look after your squishy friend.
Anti-Assertiveness Classes
Tone it down a bit.
An Open Letter to Shepton Bassett Park & Zoo
Sorry about your monkeys.
Out and About
The International Toast Museum and other attractions.
Well Stuffed
Rogue taxidermist terrorises family pets.
Flexi Mortem
The only credit card you can use after death.
Yeti Makeover
Mrs Stenchtrouser is planning an expedition.
Petunia Mulch
Plant psychologist.
Tripping the Dark Fantastic
Hello darkness my old friend
Shark Fishing
Fergus Pong has a shark problem.
Barney's Magic Wonder Show
Belinda Sommers reviews the latest production.
Nobby Wentworth's Pet Surgery
Save cash - fix your own pets in the comfort of your own home.
Dougal Fridgely
Possible dwarf planet discovered in Tadcaster
Buttock Express
Your arse in our hands.
Things Fall Over All the Time
Arthur's train only has wheels on one side.
Eazee-post
Taking the pain out of internet forums.
Fats Porker - Blues Whinger
In memory of Crappsville's finest son.
Bean Legacy
This summer, Christian Bale is Mr Bean.
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