Operation Scorched Earth

Chief Inspector Wilbur Violence of the Essex police force has been in the news following the introduction of his latest radical anti-crime initiative. "We've experienced a sharp increase in burglaries during the past couple of years," the Chief Inspector told us. "Hello, yes? Well, these naughty chappies have been breaking into people's houses and having it away with their valuables, don't you know. Well, we can't be having that - not if they're not prepared to cut us in. So that's why we here in the Essex constabulation have initiated Operation Scorched Earth."

The emphasis of Operation Scorched Earth is on crime prevention rather than detection. Householders are invited to take their property down to their local police station, where trained crime prevention officers will carefully note down serial numbers and distinguishing features, mark the item with a special ultraviolet pen, then incinerate it will a heavy duty flame thrower.

Policeman

"The idea behind Scorched Earth is that if you remove the temptation, you remove the likelihood of crime," the Chief Inspector explained. "Thank you, yes? You see, your criminal type is a smart fellow. He's not going to waste time and energy breaking into your house if he knows your stereo's been reduced to a pile of ashes. Oh no - the street value of a bag of ashes is practically nothing. We know this, because we've done a survey."

The operation has so far proved to be a remarkable success, slashing the number of burglaries in the area. So successful, in fact, that the Chief Inspector plans to extend the scheme for another six months. "We're not going to rest until we have completely eliminated the threat of burglaration from our streets," he told us. "Or at least, not until we've come to some sort of arrangement regarding percentages, anyway. Thank you very much."

Return to Archive 3

The Annual 2017

FREE Download

Or read it online here.

Books and Free Downloads

The UBO Annual 2015 The UBO Annual 2016 The History of Rock The Bongo Lectures Kicking and Screaming Dead Peasants Recalled to Life UBO Volume 1 UBO Volume 2 Death Doom and Disaster Goldilocks and the Free Bears Find out more...


 

 

Promo Image

Zebra Scanner

Zebra barcodes assist conservation.

Promo Image

The Aromatron

Patent stink technology

Promo Image

UK Government to Sell North Sea?

Documents are released which show government once considered sale of damp asset.

Promo Image

Squeak Off

At last a cure for squeaky shoes

Promo Image

Oven Chimps

Tasty and nutritious!

Promo Image

Fourth Light

A fourth colour on traffic lights

 

Extreme DinosaursTeaching Carrots to FlyStandard British NunsExtreme Dinosaurs

 

Latest blog entries...

15 October 2017: Rinse Easy

04 September 2017: Fraudulent Bananas

02 September 2017: Orchestra Exchange

www.bleeding-obvious.co.uk