Toaster Suicide

Toaster

A local man was admitted to hospital today with severe burns to his left ear after trying to kill himself by sticking his head in a live toaster.

Mr Percy Crump - real name, 'Mary Spanner' - explained that he originally intended to commit suicide by gassing himself in his oven, but after his supply was cut off, he was forced to improvise with a number of other kitchen gadgets.

Plastic spoon

After stabbing himself repeatedly in the head with a plastic spoon, then trying to whisk himself to death with a 'Pifco Magimix', he eventually succeeded in wedging his ear into one of the slots of his toaster.

Ambulance crews were alerted by a neighbour, who witnessed Crump running around his kitchen with the appliance stuck to the side of his head, 'screaming like a mentalist'. In hospital, it emerged that the toaster had been set on 'Medium' and that Mr Crump's ear could be saved as it had only been partially cooked.

Spokesman

A spokesman for Morphy Richards - manufacturers of Mr Crump's toaster - apologised that the ear had not been cooked all the way through, but pointed out that 'Medium' is only an approximate setting and that different results are often obtained according to the thickness of the bread - or the ear - being toasted.

 

 

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The dark side of interior decorating
Vet exams to be made easier.
Going for gold with your toaster
Particulate mapping of key delivery nodes (Tuesdays only).
Following the recent Bake Off contest to find a dinner lady
Ricky Stratocaster's history of Rock
We are concerned about the quality of your work
You always wanted to know how nuns are made
And we're running short of hyphens as well.

 

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