Toaster Suicide

A local man was admitted to hospital today with severe burns to his left ear after trying to kill himself by sticking his head in a live toaster. Mr Percy Crump - real name, 'Mary Spanner' - explained that he originally intended to commit suicide by gassing himself in his oven, but after his supply was cut off, he was forced to improvise with a number of other kitchen gadgets. After stabbing himself repeatedly in the head with a plastic spoon, then trying to whisk himself to death with a 'Pifco Magimix', he eventually succeeded in wedging his ear into one of the slots of his toaster. Ambulance crews were alerted by a neighbour, who witnessed Crump running around his kitchen with the appliance stuck to the side of his head, 'screaming like a mentalist'. In hospital, it emerged that the toaster had been set on 'Medium' and that Mr Crump's ear could be saved as it had only been partially cooked.

A spokesman for Morphy Richards - manufacturers of Mr Crump's toaster - apologised that the ear had not been cooked all the way through, but pointed out that 'Medium' is only an approximate setting and that different results are often obtained according to the thickness of the bread - or the ear - being toasted.

 

Toaster

 

Return to Archive 3

The Annual 2017

FREE Download

Or read it online here.

Books and Free Downloads

The UBO Annual 2015 The UBO Annual 2016 The History of Rock The Bongo Lectures Kicking and Screaming Dead Peasants Recalled to Life UBO Volume 1 UBO Volume 2 Death Doom and Disaster Goldilocks and the Free Bears Find out more...


 

 

Promo Image

Cable Rot

Experts have identified computer virus that can lie dormant in Ethernet cables.

Promo Image

Auras by Post

Buff up your chakras

Promo Image

Teleportation Breakthrough

Experiments have limited success.

Promo Image

Traffic Watch

The latest local information

Promo Image

Thinking of Buying an Octopus?

What you need to know

Promo Image

Whip-it-Round Delivery Services

Compensation! I'd feel exactly the same way in your situation...

 

Teaching Carrots to FlyTeaching Carrots to FlyStandard British NunsExtreme Dinosaurs

 

Latest blog entries...

15 October 2017: Rinse Easy

04 September 2017: Fraudulent Bananas

02 September 2017: Orchestra Exchange

www.bleeding-obvious.co.uk