My name is Dick Smidgin, I'm a motivational speaker and life coach, and I'm frequently employed by large companies to talk to their staff on personal development attainment initiatives and actualisational accomplishment targets for goal-achievers in the workplace.
It sounds pretty straightforward, I know, but anyone who has had to address large groups of people will know that public speaking can be a nerve-racking experience.
But the good news is that it needn't be. And as someone with fifteen years' experience in this game, here are my top five tips to help you overcome your fears and turn you into an effective multi-individual personal communication facilitator.
1. Don't allow yourself to be intimidated
It's very easy to feel threatened when you are facing a crowd of bored, underpaid and possibly hostile employees. It's essential therefore that you maintain an air of smug superiority. If you feel that your confidence is on the wane, just pause, breathe deeply and take a moment to remember that you're being paid a stupid amount of money to talk a load of vacuous bullshit for half an hour, and that these losers have no choice other than to sit and listen to you.
2. Know the room
It can pay to arrive at the venue early so that you can check out the exits and plot the easiest ways of escape. Then, if something does kick off, you'll be able to cheese it out of there and be first to your car by the time the shit hits the fan.
3. Face the front
Although having your back to your audience is an effective way of demonstrating the contempt in which you hold them, ultimately it renders you vulnerable. At best it will allow the audience to slope off and leave you standing on your own, looking like a dick. At worst it will enable them to mount a surprise attack, rapidly pinning you down before you can retaliate.
4. Use a pointy stick
You will find that the use of a visual aid such as a pointy stick is advantageous in a number of ways. For a start, it enables you to emphasise important points and gives you something to do with your hands, which I know is something that a lot of people worry about. But more importantly, it is excellent for use in close combat, giving you a significant advantage if fighting breaks out in enclosed spaces.
5. Deal promptly with disruptive elements
In any group there is usually one individual who will give voice to contrary or negative sentiments. Obviously, all criticism is valuable and there is much you can learn by paying heed to such comments. That said, it's best to try and close the gobshite down as soon as possible. Ideally, you will want to take them out before your presentation begins, and if you can make this look like an accident, then so much the better.
So there you have it. Five sure-fire ways to suppress even the most difficult of audiences, whether it's a presentation at work, a family wedding or a children's party. I have to go now because it's my bath night. Bye.