Fishys

Millicent Lunge, a ladybread seller from Daventry, is spearheading a campaign to have keys put on the insides of pilchard tins, so that pilchards that aren't quite stiff-dead can let themselves out. Apparently this is a big achy headproblem for many fish, who frequently find themselves tinned alive. Poor fishys - it's so difficult to tell whether they are all sleepy-bedy or croaky-deady, so they all get jumbled up together and wake in the oily darkness in a frightful shiverpanic. Nasty time.

Scientist men say that brain death for fish is when they look all slimy-gormless, which is why so many are pronounced deceased even though they still flip flap about and squirt water in your eye. Ms Millicent says that insidey keys will end this inhuman badness and allow not-dead fishys to escape, so that they can expire with dignity in the back of your cupboard. Awwww.

She also wants zippers put on bags of prawns.