[Setup]

The use of L and P plates for learner and probationary drivers does much to ease tensions on our roads, providing a warning that the car in front could be driven by someone with little experience. Consultations are currently underway to extend the scheme to other drivers, so that motorists can have a better idea of what to expect from their fellow road users.

The proposed categories are as follows:

[List]

The Enigma

Is he going left? Is he going right? One thing is certain, you'll get no warning. The Enigma doesn't believe in signalling, preferring to keep his actions shrouded in mystery.

The Diarist

Like the Enigma, the Diarist prefers not to advertise his intentions but he is quite fastidious when it comes to documenting his manoeuvres after they have been performed. Thus, if he is turning right he will happily signal once he has turned just to let you know that he's already done it. Likewise, when turning left you can be sure that little winking light will start flashing soon afterwards, just in case you weren't quite sure what you had just witnessed.

The Klingon

So called because he will 'cling on' to your rear end come hell or high water. Tailgating you is just his way of being friendly and there is much fun to be had watching the look of panic cross the pudgy, vacant face in your rear view mirror as you unexpectedly apply your brakes.

The Fidgeter

The Fidgeter cannot remain still. At junctions, at traffic lights and traffic queues his vehicle will be in a constant state of motion, shuffling forward, stopping and starting, straining to be off like a nervous racehorse waiting at the starting gate.

The Clueless

Characterised by having no idea how road networks operate. In extreme cases they can be found turning the wrong way into one-way streets or attempting to join motorways via the exit ramp. Most often, however, they show their colours whilst waiting endlessly at roundabouts - it's their right of way, but they wonder why no one else is moving.

The Sadist

This is the driver who will quite deliberately crawl along at snail's pace in a 50mph zone, collecting a queue of traffic behind them. They then take perverse pleasure in suddenly speeding up when the speed limit drops to thirty.

The Obstructer

These artisans of highway aggravation have mastered the finely tuned skill of parking in the most inconvenient ways imaginable. It's fairly easy for anyone to take up two spaces in a car park, but a true genius can occupy three and obstruct an exit at the same time. Parking on a junction, a blind corner or the brow of a hill is child's play to them and they will often work in teams to block narrow roads and pavements.

The Creeper

This driver doesn't believe in toeing the line. Not when they come to a junction, anyway. They will always stop with a good two or three foot of their front end protruding into the road, forcing other drivers to swerve around them. Occasionally other road users will have no option but to let them out, for which the Creeper will thank them graciously, as if this was somehow a matter of choice.

[See what we did there?]

Taken from The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2017

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