The Secret of Old Age

gravestone

Mrs Doris Pemberton recently revealed the secret of her longevity on the occasion of her hundred and twenty-fourth birthday.

"Well now, you see, I've always thought that the best way of staying alive is 'not to die'. My feeling is that if you go and let yourself die, then you're just asking for trouble, frankly.

"Oh, I have my critics, of course: people have said to me that this is pretty thin, as far as fitness regimes go, and as a philosophy it's quite unhelpful. But then, I'm still here, aren't I? Living proof, you might say."

78% Valium

Mrs Pemberton, who was recently found to be 78% Valium, has been studied by doctors from all over the world, most of whom concur that she has not yet died. They are at a loss to explain her great age, but have proffered the opinion that 'it's probably a virus.'

Mrs Pemberton, meanwhile, has no time for the medical profession. She has been happily ignoring their advice, chomping through sixty cigarettes a day and smoking anything up to sixteen pints of beer.

Determination, willpower and shortbread

It's all about determination, willpower and shortbread," she said. "But you can't live in a bubble, can you? All my friends made that mistake. Too busy concentrating on staying alive, they didn't notice they were dead till it was too late."

Mrs Pemberton died early yesterday morning in the freezer section of her local supermarket.


Return to Archive 1

Books and Free Downloads

The UBO Annual 2020 The UBO Annual 2018 The UBO Annual 2017 The UBO Annual 2016 The UBO Annual 2015 The History of Rock The Bongo Lectures Kicking and Screaming Dead Peasants Recalled to Life UBO Volume 1 UBO Volume 2 Death Doom and Disaster Goldilocks and the Free Bears Find out more...


 

 

InstagramFacebookTwitter
Promo Image

Cake Rage

An unprecedented increase of violence in cake shops

Promo Image

Earwax

New earwax deposits found.

Promo Image

Munchy Burger

Application Form Part B

Promo Image

Massive Maracas

Mexican village attempts massive maracas record.

Promo Image

The British Gas Party

A party political message

Promo Image

Kicking up a New Stink

Quentin Tote discovers a new smell.

 

Teaching Carrots to FlyTeaching Carrots to FlyStandard British NunsExtreme Dinosaurs

 

The Bleeding Obvious Prime Time Gameshow Generator

Latest blog entries...

10 August 2020: The Language of Dance

06 July 2020: Introducing the Spellchecker Pen

02 June 2020: Refuse and Recycling Guide