The Secret of Old Age

gravestone

Mrs Doris Pemberton recently revealed the secret of her longevity on the occasion of her hundred and twenty-fourth birthday. "Well now, you see, I've always thought that the best way of staying alive is 'not to die'. My feeling is that if you go and let yourself die, then you're just asking for trouble, frankly. Oh, I have my critics, of course: people have said to me that this is pretty thin, as far as fitness regimes go, and as a philosophy it's quite unhelpful. But then, I'm still here, aren't I? Living proof, you might say."

Mrs Pemberton, who was recently found to be 78% Valium, has been studied by doctors from all over the world, most of whom concur that she has not yet died. They are at a loss to explain her great age, but have proffered the opinion that 'it's probably a virus.'

Mrs Pemberton, meanwhile, has no time for the medical profession. She has been happily ignoring their advice, chomping through sixty cigarettes a day and smoking anything up to sixteen pints of beer. It's all about determination, willpower and shortbread," she said. "But you can't live in a bubble, can you? All my friends made that mistake. Too busy concentrating on staying alive, they didn't notice they were dead till it was too late."

Mrs Pemberton died early yesterday morning in the freezer section of her local supermarket.


Return to Archive 1

The Annual 2017

FREE Download

Or read it online here.

Books and Free Downloads

The UBO Annual 2015The UBO Annual 2016The History of RockThe Bongo LecturesKicking and ScreamingDead PeasantsRecalled to LifeUBO Volume 1UBO Volume 2Death Doom and DisasterGoldilocks and the Free Bears

Find out more...


 

 

Promo Image

Fatquake

World's fattest man struck by earthquake

Promo Image

Nasal Hair Loss

Eradicate the shame of thinning nose hair

Promo Image

Dolby Sausages

Your noise reduction breakfast

Promo Image

So You've Got a New Manager?

Getting a new manager is a magical time for everyone involved. There's a brand new addition to your corporate family.

Promo Image

Oven Chimps

Tasty and nutritious!

Promo Image

Optimum Leaning Angles

How to look hip and cool and trendy and windswept

 

Extreme DinosaursTeaching Carrots to FlyStandard British NunsExtreme Dinosaurs

 

Latest blog entries...

07 June 2017: A Sustained Corporate Battering

09 May 2017: Takeaways Hit by Persistent Squirrel Abuse

21 March 2017: Hypnotic Wipes to Tackle Information Leakage

www.bleeding-obvious.co.uk