Feng Shui for Farmers

Since taking the advice of a feng shui expert, Fergus Pong has noted a quite surprising rise in productivity at his Staffordshire farm. "This chap turns up one afternoon," Mr Pong told us. "Shifty looking feller, he were. Anyway, he says as how I can significantly increase my milk yield by lining up all my cows in an East-West direction."

Naturally, Mr Pong did what anybody would do when presented with such information. "Oh aye, naturally," he affirms. "I set the dog on him. You should have seen the daft bugger zig-zagging across the farmyard afore vaulting over a fence and landing in a pile of shit. Anyhow, once he'd piddled off, I thought I'd give it a go - you know, lining up the cows and that. Well, there was nothing on the telly and there was bugger all else to do."

To his surprise, Mr Pong found that milk production seemed to go up. Encouraged by this, he proceeded to apply the principals of feng shui to other areas of his business. He aligned his haystacks so as to channel natural streams of positive energy, identified the birth elements of all his chickens and put his pigs in a pyramid. And did it work?

"Nope," says Mr Pong. "But like I say, there was nothing on the telly and bugger all else to do."