It's a Gas

Top scientist chaps have discovered that sound is not a wave as previously thought, but a gas. "The clues were there all along," says chief boffin Professor Henry Windsock. "We know from experiments carried out by NASA that in space no one can hear you scream. No atmosphere, no gas, no sound. Bloody obvious when you think about it."

Professor Windsock first detected the gas in his bathroom after one particularly noisy evening last March. Further traces were subsequently discovered in samples taken from behind his fridge, under the sink and from a conspicuously loud patch at the bottom of his garden. Windsock has now officially named the gas 'auditron' after his initial suggestion of 'thunderpunchium' was rejected by the scientific community for being too stupid.

"Arseholes," Professor Windsock told us. "You see the kind of people I have to work with. They have no vision. Pah!"

According to Windsock, it is the presence of auditron that accounts for all types of sound. For example, when a gun is fired, auditron produced by the exploding gunpowder creates the 'bang'.

"It is also a biological process," Professor Windsock explained. "The gas is produced in the lungs of most living creatures, enabling them to make all manner of squeaks and snarls and whatnot - something that I demonstrated at a lecture I gave at the Royal Society. I took a dog - one of those small, yappy kinds. I placed it into a vacuum chamber and gradually removed the air. Without the presence of auditron the animal very quickly ceased to make a noise. In fact, it ceased to do anything very much at all, but this is really an unfortunate coincidence and however much I sympathise with my next door neighbour, I really wish to silly woman would stop trying to hold me responsible for what happened to her Yorkshire terrier."