Dear Mr Frimpton

We are sorry to hear that you are unhappy with the Boffco 4400 upright fridge-freezer that you recently purchased from our store. Unfortunately we are unable to provide a refund for this item at this time.

You claim that the unit was unable to maintain a constant temperature and that many of the items you placed inside became uncomfortably warm. Whilst you have automatically leapt to the conclusion that the appliance is faulty, we are forced to consider the possibility that you are actually putting these items in your oven rather than the fridge. Since most of our customers do not have the rudimentary intelligence required to distinguish between the two, we have concluded that this is by far the most likely explanation.

For your information, the oven is the hot burny thing that you cook your dinner in. Also, the shiny thing with the slots in it is a toaster. Please do not try to stuff your dirty washing into it.

Yours Sincerely
Gillian McGhillie
Customer Service Adviser

Dear Mr Protractor

We are sorry to hear that you are unhappy with the Colourfusion Hi-Definition 65" TV that you recently purchased from our store. Unfortunately we are unable to provide a refund for this item at this time.

You claim that the picture is dull and gloomy, the sound is incoherent and ill-defined, and the overall quality hugely disappointing. What you appear to be describing is the general state of current television broadcasting, for which we cannot be held responsible.

You made specific mention of a natural history programme that was broadcast in HD and complained that, whilst the penguins were crystal clear, Sir David Attenborough was fuzzy and indistinct. What you must understand is that Sir David, although a venerated and much experienced broadcaster, began his career before the introduction of high definition television and as such is bound to look a little blurred. I'm sure you would agree that it would not be appropriate to ask a man of Sir David's standing to get himself upscaled and we should be content that he has at least allowed himself to be shown in colour.

Yours Sincerely
Gillian McGhillie
Customer Service Adviser

Dear Mrs Drainage

We are sorry to hear that you are unhappy with the Mightysuck Deluxe extractor unit that you recently purchased from our store. Unfortunately we are unable to provide a refund for this item at this time.

Like most domestic extractor units, the Mightysuck is extremely proficient at removing cooking fumes and other unwanted odours, but it has its limits. If you are a particularly malodorous individual, which it appears that you are, then even top-of-the-range units will struggle to expel the funk and make your home an acceptable environment in which to entertain guests.

If it has reached the point where the paper is peeling off your walls, exotic flora is forcing its way up through your floorboards and birds are plummeting from the sky as they fly overhead, then it seems that what you really require is something that will remove all the air from your house. Whilst I wish it were possible to make an exception in your case, I'm afraid that such powerful devices are not on sale to the general public.

Yours Sincerely
Gillian McGhillie
Customer Service Adviser

Dear Mr Dimple

We are sorry to hear that you are unhappy with the Quicksmart Executive Model L fax machine that you recently purchased from our store. Unfortunately we are unable to provide a refund for this item at this time.

Let us begin by addressing the outmoded and redundant elephant in the room: who buys fax machines these days? We appreciate that you are having difficulty finding someone to exchange faxes with but if you will invest in equipment that belongs to an age of eight track cartridge players, instant mashed potato and Showaddywaddywaddy then what do you expect?

I note that you were informed by our salesperson that the device you purchased represented the very latest in advanced communications technology - we all had a good laugh about that. However, I'm afraid that we cannot acquiesce to your demand for this individual to be dismissed as this enterprising young man is now head of our marketing department.

Yours Sincerely
Gillian McGhillie
Customer Service Adviser

Dear Mrs Trousers

We are sorry to hear that you are unhappy with the Destructotron Heavy Duty Crosscut Shredding System that you recently purchased from our store. Unfortunately we are unable to provide a refund for this item at this time.

And no, we haven't seen your cat. There are plenty of places where it could have ended up - under a bus, mangled up in a combine harvester, crushed under a falling piano - and we resent the implication that our product had anything to do with its disappearance.

Not unless it was deliberate, in any case. There is every possibility that your cat, growing tired of your company, decided to end its life by hurling itself into your shredder. And why not? If I was planning to shred myself to oblivion then I would certainly choose the Destructotron. Its powerful bone-crunching action, easy-to-clean surfaces and large capacity bin make it the perfect choice for documents, letters, statements, flyers, forms, contracts, invoices and pets.

Yours Sincerely
Gillian McGhillie
Customer Service Adviser

Dear Mrs Spanners

We are sorry to hear that you are unhappy with the electric boogaloo that you recently purchased from our store. Unfortunately we are unable to provide a refund for this item at this time.

We do appreciate the problems of accommodating an electric boogaloo that has been fractured along the main spur due to excessive strumming. Random spurts are inevitably a consequence of over-indulgent cantering, which is why the use of pliant restraints and organic moisturising compounds are advised. Did you check the label?

We would remind you that you were offered fully comprehensive boogaloo insurance at the time of purchase, yet chose to 'go your own way'. It seems that this decision has now come back to bite you: your thrum has snapped, your major pangol is hanging off and I wouldn't be at all surprised if you find that your clump is bent, you pervert. You disgust me.

Yours Sincerely
Gillian McGhillie
Customer Service Adviser