Domestic Mining

Changes to the law will soon make it legal for mining companies to tunnel up into your kitchen cupboards and steal your pork luncheon meat. Businesses presently have the right to mine beneath private land, but the new legislation will give them powers to drive shafts right up into your home, wander around your front room and rifle through your DVD collection.

The legislation is designed to boost the mining industry and make it easier for companies to begin fracking operations, but protesters are saying that the new rules go too far. "I don't want some dirty great pit worker popping up out of a hole in my living room floor when I'm trying to watch Strictly," said shop worker and amateur environmentalist Tracy Sponge. "And I don't care whether it does provide a much needed boon to industry, the first time I see muddy boot prints tracking across my lino, I'll swing for someone."