Three Legged Footballers

You might not be all that surprised to learn that there is no rule in football which specifically prohibits the use of three-legged players. This, of course, is perfectly understandable since when the rules for football were first laid down by Sir Geoff Football back in 1952 the possibility of multi-limbed players was, at best, a remote one.

Today modern surgical techniques have made the grafting on of additional body parts almost commonplace, leading not only to an increase in leggage amongst professional players, but also the use of animal parts. For spectators at a Premier League match, it's not at all unusual to witness surgically enhanced centre-forwards tearing down the left wing on cheetah legs, strikers springing gazelle-like into the penalty box, or elephantine goalkeepers executing a perfect save with their trunks.

The situation looks set to become even worse now that human cloning has become a practical reality. In fact, Chelsea have already bred an octoplayer, whose eight legs means that he can squat in the centre of the pitch, kick the ball in any direction and doesn't even have to turn round at half time.

Well now FIFA, football's governing body and clearing house for brown envelopes, has decided that enough is enough. It has announced new legislation on the use of what it calls 'non-standard anatomy' and henceforth any player caught using more than two legs will be fined and banned for the rest of the season.