Situations Vacant

FTSE 100 Company requires Pudding Scraper

Must have previous pudding scraping experience. Aunt Myrtle's Premium Puddings is a small family business that currently has factories in over 40 countries. We provide bespoke pudding services and a vacancy has arisen for a fully qualified pudding scraper. The successful candidate will have a natural affinity for custard and a strong sense of trifle.


Are you looking for an exciting new role that will give you the opportunity to spend up to eight hours a day sitting in a tank full of live fish? Our client currently has an opening for someone to spend up to eight hours a day sitting in a tank full of live fish. If you think you're the sort of person who can see themselves spending up to eight hours a day sitting in a tank full of live fish, then give us a call.


Bland Person Required

A vacancy has arisen for a dull, nondescript and inconsequential person in our out-of-town manufacturing facility. You will have access to a plastic chair and a small square of carpet, and your duties will include sitting in a corner quietly and not bothering anyone. May require some night work.


Talky phone person needed to do some of the old chin-wagging on the dog and bone. Must be capable of giving it some real welly and be all over that shit like a proper boss. Give us a bell, yeah?


We are recruiting for a Senior String Polisher. You will be a fully qualified string polisher with at least five years' experience in the industry and a Level 3 qualification in string polishing. You will be resourceful and reliable, with a keen eye for detail and an innovative approach to string polishing. You will also be a Capricorn, have a fondness for small dogs, be interested in local history and enjoy canal boating holidays. Additionally, you will be called Bernie Pamphlet, be aged 46 and live in Dudley. Hello Bernie.


Tour guide wanted for our new 'Tales of the Pharaohs' exhibit. Must be capable of walking like an Egyptian. A working knowledge of all the old paintings on the tombs and the ability to do the sand dance would be an advantage, don't you know, but is not essential.


Domestic Puddle Collector

Commercial Puddle Collector

Two roles available in our puddle collection division.

As a domestic puddle collector you will ensure that all domestic puddles are collected and deposited in our dedicated puddle storage facility. You will be provided with a bucket.

As a commercial puddle collector your role will be substantially the same as a domestic puddle collector, but your working hours will be limited to regular business hours and you will be given a bigger bucket.


PA to the Assistant Head of Stationery

Must have sound working knowledge of paperclips, staples, hole punches and those little string things that they use to bundle paper together.


Semi-articulate Waggon Shunter

Our client is looking for a semi-articulate waggon shunter. Must be able to grunt basic information. Ability to communicate using hand signals would be desirable. Must have a reasonable grasp of nouns and common verbs, but adjectives, adverbs and more complex sentence structures such as similes and metaphors are not required. Must have a history of using the past tense and be willing to learn the correct use of the future tense in the future, although this is not required for the present.


Buyer

Spodung Acquisitions are looking for a buyer to sit around, phone people up and buy stuff: things like spoons, balloons, boots, suits, air fresheners , flea collars, coffee whitener and pencils. Experience desired but would be willing to provide training to the right candidate. Hot drinks and snacks will be provided, so give us a call if you're interested in a career buying stuff like ladders, donkey jackets, space hoppers, inkjet cartridges, fish, teeth, wardrobes, model spaceships, phone chargers, notepads, gearboxes, individually wrapped cheese slices, plastic dinosaurs, old Beatles records, antique castanets and seat covers.


 

Taken from The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2020. FREE Download

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