Fancy Biscuits

Most immigrants come to this country for our 'fancy biscuits' - or at least they do according to Humphry Pound, the prospective UKIP candidate for the forthcoming Shepton Bassett by-election. Mr Pound believes that the ready availability of a wide range of exotic biscuits in the UK has fuelled what he has melodramatically described as the 'fearsome and phenomenal tide of immigration'.

"When I was growing up," Mr Pound explained, "we only had two types of biscuit: 'digestives' and 'broken'. And the broken biscuits had originally been digestives, so technically there was only one type. Now, of course, our supermarkets have whole aisles dedicated to chocolate whatnots, and oatmeal thingies and shortcake butterscotch sandwich how's-your-fathers. Is it any wonder that people are tearing down fences to get to our fair isle? Don't answer that - I'll answer for you. No, it's no wonder at all."

Mr Pound wants to see a return to a simpler age of baked goods and to this end he has founded the Austerity Biscuit Group to campaign for the reinstatement of the biscuits he knew and loved in the fifties.

"I have vivid memories of those times when, as a small boy, I would creep into the kitchen and reach up for the biscuit tin on the top shelf," Mr Pound recalled fondly. "Even now I can smell the damp, fusty odour as I popped off the lid, feel the rough, crumbly texture as my fingers sought for the prize, and remember the difficulty with which I swallowed those dry and joyless crumbs. It was disgusting. Now, if we had biscuits like those today, people would think twice about wanting to come here, I'm certain."

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