The Yeovil Centre for Sharp Practice
That great industrialist Henry Ford once said that no one could ever hope to succeed in business without the right qualifications. In fact, he said no such thing, but falsely attributing made-up quotations to notable business leaders can help you to carve out a successful career path and is, incidentally, just one of the many courses we offer here at Yeovil.
It is most certainly the case that employers seek and reward skills, experience and accomplishment, and by exhibiting these qualities you can climb the corporate ladder. But getting to the top is a lengthy process and takes a great deal of hard work. Demonstrating that you have the aptitude and ability is the long way round - far better to have a certificate which says, quite clearly, in black and white, that you've got what it takes. Why spend years persuading your employer that you are reliable and capable when you could have a recognised qualification in Reliability and Capability that will fast-track you straight to the boardroom?
And that's where we can help.
Here at the Yeovil Centre for Sharp Practice, we offer a complete range of courses tailored to the requirements of today's budding managers, executives and high-performing deal-makers. Concerned that you don't have the academic aptitude to complete the course? There's no need to worry. If you're paying for a certificate, we don't expect you to have to earn it. As long as all fees have been settled, then a pass is guaranteed. If you do find that you're struggling, have a quiet word with one of our highly trained team of cashiers and we're sure we'll be able to sort something out.
These are just some of the most popular courses available for the current academic year.
Levels 1-3 Infiltration and Entrenchment
This course shows you how to guarantee job security by becoming an irreplaceable member of the team. In Level 1, we teach you how to ensure that you are the only person with the passwords for social media accounts and essential corporate software. We also explore techniques to monopolise lines of communication between major suppliers, customers and other key contacts.
Level 2 deals with the development of complex systems and processes that only you will be able to understand, making it impossible for any other member of staff to effectively operate in these areas, and ensuring that all decisions and requests must be referred to you.
Level 3 takes you into the area of advanced blackmail techniques. We show you how you can obtain sensitive and embarrassing information about senior members of the company, and how best you can leverage this intelligence to advance your interests.
All companies, large or small, have certain legal obligations that must be met. These are many, varied and often complex, and it is difficult for one individual to maintain a comprehensive understanding. However, the key to successfully manipulating a company's legal obligations is realising that you don't have to know everything - you only have to know, or appear to know, more than anybody else.
In this course you will learn to quote the names of a number of intimidating regulations and statutes, and bluff your way through their major implications without anyone suspecting that you haven't got a clue what you're talking about. Many graduates who successfully completed this course have gone on to land cushy jobs such as 'Equality Lead', 'Head of Environmental Compliance' and 'Wellbeing Officer' on the strength of misinterpreting and misrepresenting the requirements of various Acts of Parliament.
Social Media and Digital Marketing
Social media has become a major factor in building corporate identity, and it offers a unique advancement opportunity for employees. We show you how to use your personal social media to wheedle your way into your boss's' good books by adopting the company branding, endorsing all its self-congratulatory posts and gushing unrelentingly about what a wonderful organisation it is to work for. You will learn how to post messages about 'how great it was to meet so-and-so' or 'how wonderful it was to attend such-and-such a meeting' without sounding like you're being sarcastic. By the end of this course you will understand exactly what it takes to give the impression that you are on message, and be able to effectively utilise your social media presence to brown-nose your way to the top.
There are two schools of thought when it comes to management. The first is that it is necessary for a manager to be able to do the jobs of all the people they manage, or at least to have enough of an understanding to recognise the requirements and challenges. The second is that it isn't. We very much subscribe to this second line of thought.
Indeed, having no understanding of the work and responsibilities of employees being managed is key to our approach. We believe that the real skill of management lies in being able to allow other people to shoulder the burden when things are going well, and for those same people to take the blame when it goes wrong. In this course we show you how to ensure that you remain strictly hands-off, remaining visible and available when you aren't actually required, but able to recognise when the shit is about to hit the fan so that you can make yourself scarce when you need to.
Basic Business Communication
If we were to say that this course will help you to modify your output expectations through the prism of a person-focussed approach to phased individualisation vectors, would you know what we meant? We guarantee that after completing this course, you still won't know what it means, but you will find it far less intimidating.
Becoming fluent in business speak is really about mastering the art of obfuscation. It's a sleight of hand technique where the quickness of the tongue deceives the mind of the listener. If you were to report that you had failed to meet your monthly targets, you are inevitably creating an unfavourable impression. However, if you were to report that a programme of systematic assessment had determined that due to an unforeseen combination of market, environmental and regulatory factors, the accomplishment threshold had been fixed at a level in excess of the maximum real-world achievement plateau, then everyone would be so glad by the time you reached the end of the sentence that they would completely fail to notice that you'd missed your targets again.
Truly successful people know that day one in any job is just the first step that will ultimately take them to the upper reaches of senior management. Really truly successful people know that upper management is just the first step in squirreling away stolen cash for their retirement.
Once you get a say in how the company spends its money, you will finally get an opportunity to make sure some of it comes your way. This course covers all the basic techniques: kickbacks, handing out contracts to friends and families, and setting up phony companies and schemes. We'll also show you how to make sure you have a scapegoat in place, so that if things turn sour you can be sure that some other poor bastard ends up doing time while you're sailing round the Mediterranean in your shiny new yacht.
The Yeovil Centre for Sharp Practice
683 Station Road
Dir. Dr A Bongo. All fees are non-refundable
Taken from The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2021
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