Very Disappointing. Avoid.

Because he knows how important it is that the world has access to his opinions, Garth Vazio has invested a great deal of time in posting reviews of pretty much everything online. All his reviews are negative, naturally, because Garth is a fellow of exacting standards and therefore extremely difficult to please...

Shepton Bassett Memorial Gardens

Reviewed by Garth Vazio

Stars 1 ½ Stars

Go to Shepton Bassett Memorial Gardens and you will find a big stone obelisk with a plaque attached. And I hope you're a big fan of big stone obelisks, because you'll find precious little else to amuse you. Big stone obelisks do nothing for me, I'm afraid, and neither do flowerbeds and oddly shaped patches of turf. I even failed be amused by the park benches, which is unusual because outdoor seating is something I usually take an inordinately keen interest in. There were some ducks, but they didn't do anything interesting - just sat and looked at me with beady eyes, smug grins all over their smarmy beaks. I suppose if you're really into grass then this is the place for you, but I won't be returning. Very disappointing. Avoid.

500g Pack of Munchy Flakes Breakfast Cereal

Reviewed by Garth Vazio

Stars 1 ½ Stars

I was really looking forward to receiving these and when they arrived I couldn't wait to open the parcel. But, oh dear, what a let-down. Let's start with the packaging: drab cardboard with a photo of a bowl of Munchy Flakes on the front. Very imaginative, I don't think! Come on Munchy Flakes, how about making an effort? Perhaps a gatefold front with a cut-out window, or a lenticular 3d image, or, I don't know, a hologram or something?

Never mind, I was sure the real treat would be waiting for me inside the pack. I had to tear open the top to get in - not very clever. What if I wanted to send them back? Anyway, I tipped the contents onto the table in front of me and spread them out, looking for the free gift. Nothing! No little plastic toy, no collector's cards, no stickers - it was just the Munchy Flakes. And they were nothing special either, just cheap knock-off cornflakes. Very disappointing. Avoid.

Dr K Scapula, River Walk Surgery

Reviewed by Garth Vazio

Stars 1 ½ Stars

Suspecting that I was suffering from a bad case of repetitive strain injury following a heavy evening writing reviews, I visited my local GP surgery. It had been a while since I last visited my doctor, so I wasn't entirely sure what to expect. The first shock came when I was told by the grumpy receptionist that, because I didn't have an appointment, I might have to wait for up to ten minutes. Ten minutes! Is this what our health service has come to?

What made it worse was that the waiting room was very poorly equipped. There were no video games, the only TV was showing a programme about washing your hands and when I tried to order a coffee from the receptionist she gave me a very sour look. In the end I was only kept waiting for six minutes, but it was six minutes of sheer hell.

Anyway, eventually I got to see the doctor. She seemed very nice, but clearly she wasn't properly qualified. I told her all about my symptoms and gave her my diagnosis, carefully researched on the internet, and instructed her to write me a prescription for antibiotics, painkillers and, just to be on the safe side, an inhaler. She refused. Can you believe it? I thought the customer was always right. All she did was smile politely, examine my hands and tell me there was nothing to worry about.

So, all in all, it was a completely wasted trip and I came out with nothing. Very disappointing. Avoid.

The Mopey Ricards Maxi-Press 4000 Steam Iron

Reviewed by Garth Vazio

Stars 1 ½ Stars

I'm quite a gadget buff and I had high hopes for this item, having read some of the previous reviews. But guess what - it really doesn't live up to the hype. Granted, the Maxi-Press 4000 makes a decent enough job of flattening clothes but that's all it does. It can't handle mowing the lawn, it makes a right hash of toasting bread and you can't get the internet on it. Hardly 'a fantastic little stream iron that helps make your daily chores a joy' as one reviewer wrote. Very disappointing. Avoid.

Geoff Pickles: My Story, The Autobiography

Reviewed by Garth Vazio

Stars 1 ½ Stars

I've been a big fan of Geoff Pickles for many years. I have all his records, seen every film he's made and was lucky enough to watch him score three goals for Arsenal when they played Sheffield Wednesday in the 1989 quarter finals. I even met the great man in person, in a chip shop in Bolton in 2002, and still have the scar from when he threw a chair at me and told me to piss off. Gets a bit touchy when you try to pinch his chips, does Geoff, but we love him all the same.

Anyhow, it was inevitable that I would rush out and get this book as soon as it was published, but oh dear - just because people are writing about themselves, is it really any reason to be so self-obsessed? Geoff just goes on and on about stuff that he did and stuff that happened to him: in 1978 I did this, then in 1982 I did that, in 1988 this happened to me, then in 1996 someone gave me an award for doing this that and the other. Give it a rest mate! Couldn't we have a few car chases, a bit of intrigue, maybe a daring escape from a perilous situation? I gather he is currently writing a second volume covering the last twenty years. Well, I hope he bucks his ideas up and makes his life story a bit more exciting, that's all I can say. Very disappointing. Avoid.

Gravity

Reviewed by Garth Vazio

Stars 1 ½ Stars

Gravity is one of the four fundamental forces of nature and has been with us since the beginning of the universe. Now, I'm as keen as the next reviewer to respect tradition, but I do think there is a case to be made for modernisation. And, as we all know, gravity if far from perfect. Sure, it's great for keeping things on the ground. I for one certainly wouldn't want to go floating off into space, but then the same force that keeps me rooted to the spot is also responsible for making things fall off the top of my wardrobe. Surely with all the modern technology at our disposal we could have gravity that was a little more discriminating? So, sorry, but it's a big thumbs down for gravity. Very disappointing, avoid.

The Merchant of Venice, RSC, Stratford-upon-Avon

Reviewed by Garth Vazio

Stars 1 ½ Stars

Nice ice cream, but the scoops are very, very small and two scoops in a pot for £3.75 is expensive. Scoops need to be bigger. Very disappointing, avoid.

The River Bassett, Herbickshire

Reviewed by Garth Vazio

Stars 1 ½ Stars

Well, what you get here, of course, is your standard river - not too big, not too small. Personally I found it a little too wet - I know some people like that in a river but I don't think I'm being unreasonable if I say that, in this day and age, we should be offered a choice about how wet or dry we want our rivers to be. I mean, this isn't the dark ages!

The River Bassett has some nice meanders, there's the odd bridge to lighten the mood but the local fish are very unhelpful and standoffish. In conclusion, very disappointing. Avoid.

...But Garth has recently had something of a shock. He has discovered that he himself is the subject of numerous reviews, and has been alarmed to read some less than glowing comments about his petty and unfounded criticisms, his lack of knowledge of his subject matter and his misplaced and moronic verdicts...

Garth Vazio, Reviewer

Reviewed by Peter Shepherd

Stars 1 ½ Stars

I've been a keen follower of Garth's reviews for some time now. In an age when we all need a little help to decide what we really feel about stuff, Garth's pithy unsolicited views about everything and anything give us a welcome respite from the demanding business of having to form our own opinions. Additionally, the fact that he is overwhelmingly negative about everything is both comforting and reassuring.

However, I have noticed that some of Garth's recent reviews have lost their edge. Gone is the sharp wit and spikey commentary and instead we get the same familiar, plodding parade of regurgitated clichés. I'm sorry, but I'm afraid Mr Vazio just doesn't do it for me anymore. Disappointing, avoid.

...Garth currently has an average rating of 'Poor', the same score as a mini golf course in Norfolk.

 

Taken from The University of the Bleeding Obvious Annual 2021

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