The Sandwich: #197

The Sandwich


I have returned to the top secret government research establishment. My certificate of boffinology seems to have fooled the security guard, but now I have to step through a boffin detector. This is a big cardboard box, bigger than an actual man, with a hole cut in it and all silver paper and shiny buttons stuck on it. It looks a bit grotty, but it has the words "Boffin Detector" written on it in crayon, so I expect it is the real deal. I know that some of the modern handheld boffin detectors are very sophisticated, but this is clearly one of the older static ones and it may just be possible to fool it if I think very hard about the most complicated thing I know.

The most complicated thing I know is a woman called Betsy Mulgrew, but I don't like to think about her because she reminds me of that time with the axle grease, so I will think about the second most complicated thing I know. The second most complicated thing I know is quadratic equations. We did quadratic equations at school and they made my head hurt. I don't really know what they are for: maybe for adding quadratics together. But then, I don't know what a quadratic is, so that doesn't really get me anywhere. "Quadratic" sounds a bit like "aquatic," so maybe it's a type of duck. Not sure why you would want to add ducks together, they seem to be able to handle that sort of business themselves.

Anyway, the teacher said that we had to learn quadratic equations because they would become very useful in later life. She lied. Or did she? Perhaps this was the time I would finally need it. I closed my eyes, thought very hard about adding two ducks together and stepped through the machine.



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