I am Marvelloso The Performing Moggy - at least that's the name that I have sewn onto my cape - and this is going to be my ticket out of this cats' home. As the first of my prospective new families enter, the band strikes up and I launch into my routine. Ah yes, the band. I had engaged the services of some of my fellow inmates. Macavity, in the cage to my left was laying down some wicked beats on a makeshift drumkit. Felix, on my right, was contributing some sweet licks using a rubber band. And Tiddles across the way was producing strange whining noises from the back of her throat - to be honest, it wasn't adding anything to the performance, but she wanted to be involved and we didn't have the heart to tell her no.
And so, the show began. I paraded out into the centre of the cage and began with a few simple illusions - card tricks, clairvoyance, sawing a goldfish in half, that sort of thing. Then it was on to the mouse taming, in which I subdued a clockwork toy with a whip and a chair, and persuaded it to jump through a flaming hoop. Next, the erotic dancing. Cheeky! Finally, I finished with a song and took my bow.
Well, I was a sure-fire smasheroony hit, and no mistake. "Daddy, daddy, can we please have this one?" cried one saccharin-saturated child as it poked its jam-stained fingers through the bars to stroke my head. "It's so funny and stupid and weird." The father agreed. At last, I was to be released from this dismal cage! If only I hadn't been so excited, I would have seen the pound signs in the man's eyes and I would have been more wary.