Alrighty then. Now that all pig-related charges against me had been dropped and I was a free man, the first thing I did was to go back to Mrs McGonagall's guest house to quiz her about my sandwich. Actually, that's not absolutely proper true. I felt like celebrating, so the actual proper first thing I did was to go to a shop to buy a milk shake - a red one made of berries or something, because that is my absolutely favourite species of shaky milk.
Actually, no, that's not quite true, because I went into the wrong shop. Instead of the shaky milk shop, I went into a junk shop, and this was a disappointment because they didn't have no milky shakes. Actually, I say a junk shop, but when I exclaimed loudly that this shop was full of junk, the lady behind the counter was very cross and said that her shop did not sell junk. I begged to differ, but she told me that all the items in her shop had been previously discarded and then 'upcycled' into new, exciting and extremely desirable objects.
I have heard about this 'upcycling' thing before. As far as I remember, it is when you take something out of a skip, clean the poo off it, paint it white and then sell it to an idiot for too much money - very probably the same idiot who dumped it in the skip in the first place. I looked around the shop. There was an old vase that had been cleaned up and turned into a lamp. And there was an old wooden chest that had been cleaned up and turned into a lamp. And there was an old toaster that had been cleaned up and turned into a lamp... It occurred to me that everything in this shop had been turned into grotty old lamps, and when I mentioned this to the lady, she said what else could you do with this old crap? She had a point, so I bought an old lawnmower that had been turned into a lamp, and then I left.