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23 July 2021

The Sandwich: #40

The Sandwich

#40

Great news, I got my cow a gig as a catwalk model, modelling the winter collection for Miss Bovine. She is quite nervous and I had to follow her on with a shovel, but the audience went wild for her and she was an instant hit. She's already done several TV shows and is the cover star of this month's What Cow? magazine. She's also been offered a tidy sum for her autobiography, which is being ghost-written by two pigs and a squirrel, and there's also been some interest in a film adaptation and a possible West End musical.

The bad news, however, is that she now has new management. The ingratitude! To think, when I first met that cow - yesterday - she was an ugly, ungainly, talentless nobody. Slap a bit of lipstick on her and teach her to walk without falling over, and suddenly she's Greta Bloody Garbo, and I'm out on my ear. Well screw you, Ermantrude! All I can say is, enjoy it while it lasts, because it's a fickle business and this time next year you're going to be steak.

Well, I've created one star, so I figured I could do it again. I found a weasel with striking bone structure and trained him up to be a matinee idol, but the only work he could get was an advert for odour eaters, and now he's working in a shoe shop. I also found a goose that could do impressions, but he was booed off the stage at his first audition, lost his temper and savaged the compere.

Who am I kidding? A real star like that cow only comes along once in a lifetime. It looks like I'm going to have to turn my hand to something else.

 


22 July 2021

A Thing Has Happened

 

BREAKING: A THING HAS HAPPENED

i. "...as you join us news is breaking..."

A Thing Has Happened

We've cut to a news studio. The anchor looks up, frowning.

Graham Eckersley: Hello and apologies for interrupting Celebrity Antique Renovation Wars but as you join us news is breaking that a thing has happened. At present it has not been confirmed what has happened, where it's happened or who it has happened to. Reports are still coming in so we're going to stay with this story as it develops, and we'll bring you all the news as it we get it. For the moment, however, we can speak to our special correspondent, Hugh Proctor, who has joined us here in the studio. Hugh, thank you for joining us on this very momentous occasion.

Hugh Proctor: My pleasure, Graham.

Eckersley: I used the word 'momentous' there - do you think that's an accurate description of the thing that has happened?

Proctor: Well, of course, it's very early to say at present, but I think it's likely that this situation is indeed going to prove to be momentous. There is every chance that it could also be critical, and I wouldn't be at all surprised if it turns out to have far-reaching repercussions.

Chorus

Eckersley: You called it a 'situation'. Do you think that that is a fair description of this thing?

Proctor: Time will tell, of course - situation... incident... occasion. Whatever this thing turns out to be, I'm sure that it will have a profound impact on something else. In fact, comparisons are already being drawn with a thing that happened in 2017, and I'm sure you remember the impact that thing had at the time and, indeed, continues to have now.

Eckersley: Absolutely, Hugh. And let me assure everyone watching at home that, like then, we will continue to bring you all the news that happens, as it happens, and, indeed, if it happens. For now though, we have a special report from Sally Crompton. She was out and about in Loughborough earlier on, asking people for their opinions.

ii. "...madam, can I ask you how you feel..."

Live from Loughborough

Cut to pre-recorded report. The reporter looks much too enthusiastic about being in a rainy street in Loughborough.

Sally Crompton: Madam, can I ask you how you feel about the thing that has happened?

Miserable Looking Woman: Well I think it's terrible. You wouldn't think it could happen in this day and age. They should be locked up.

Crompton: I see. Who should be locked up?

Miserable Looking Woman: 'They' should - all of them. Trust me, start locking people up and this sort of thing wouldn't be a problem.

Cut.

Crompton: Sir, can I ask, do you have any opinions about why this thing has happened?

Red Faced Man: What thing?

Crompton: This thing.

Red Faced Man: Oh, a thing has happened, has it? Doesn't surprise me. Bound to happen, wasn't it? Well, the way I see it is that they voted for it, so they should have to deal with consequences, and good luck to 'em!

Cut.

Crompton: Excuse me, I'm asking people for their thoughts on this thing that has happened.

Snooty Woman: Thing?

Crompton: Yes, it's being reported that -

Snooty Woman: Oh, I know what's being 'reported'. I know all about the liberal media and its distorted agenda; the lies, the half-truths and the disinformation. I'll tell you what this 'thing' is - it's no thing. It's nothing, that's what it is. Sorry, but we're not going to fall for this scaremongering anymore. Wake up sheeple!

iii. "...some forthright opinions there..."

Back in the studio. Sally Crompton on the screen, smiling in the rain.

Eckersley: Some forthright opinions there. And we can go over live to Sally Crompton now. Sally, some forthright opinions there?

Crompton: Yes Graham, those opinions certainly were forthright. And that forthrightness has been typical of many of the opinions of people I've spoken to here in Loughborough.

Eckersley: And is that level of forthrightness typical of the people of Loughborough?

Crompton: Well certainly the people of Loughborough have a reputation for being plainspoken, but this level of forthrightness has not been seen in a long time. In fact, I've spoken to experts, and they say that Loughborough is heading towards peak forthrightness, which hasn't been seen since the thing that happened in 2017.

Eckersley: Food for thought there. Thank you, Sally Crompton in Loughborough, I'm sure we'll come back to you again later. In the meantime, if I could turn again to Hugh Proctor here in the studio. Hugh, Sally mentioned there the thing that happened in 2017. I'm sure there are comparisons to be drawn with the thing that is happening today?

Proctor: Indeed there are. At this stage, we're not clear what those comparisons might be, but certainly the 2017 thing had significant impact, and there is every indication that the thing today might be somewhat similar, if indeed not very similar.

Eckersley: Significantly similar?

Proctor: Well, of course, it's very early to say at present, but I think it's likely that this situation is indeed going to prove to be similarly momentous. There is every chance that it could also be critical, and I wouldn't be at all surprised if it turns out to have far-reaching repercussions.

Chorus

Eckersley: You called it a 'situation'. Do you think that that is a fair description of this thing?

Proctor: Time will tell, of course - situation... incident... occasion. Whatever this thing turns out to be, I'm sure that it will have a profound impact on something else. In fact, comparisons are already being drawn with a thing that happened in 2017, and I'm sure you remember the impact that thing had at the time and, indeed, continues to have now.

Eckersley: Absolutely, Hugh. And let me assure everyone watching at home that, like then, we will continue to bring you all the news that happens, as it happens, and, indeed, if it happens. Right now, let's go over to our food technology and gymnastics correspondent, Dominic Pigweed. Dominic can you give us some background regarding the events that may or may not have taken place today?

iv. "...this chart behind me sums up the situation very neatly..."

Look at this chart

Cut to other side or studio. Dominic Pigweed, wild-eyed stare and flailing limbs, getting increasingly frantic about the graphics flashing over the screen behind him.

Dominic Pigweed: Indeed I can, Graham, indeed I can. Well, as you can see, this chart sums up the situation very neatly. The x-axis represents time, the y-axis shows the matched volume. Now, you can see that the red line remains constant, whereas the yellow line is constantly fluctuating. Of course, this chart doesn't currently show the impact of the thing that has happened today. We don't yet have that information of course, but we can make certain predictions based on common variables, and on our experience of what happened in 2017. Now watch what happens when I plug that data into our chart. If I just press this button... look, look, look at that! So the green line has appeared now, and it's looped back on itself.

So what does that tell us? Well, to understand it we need to look at this chart here. The red section represents the yellow line, the green section is the number of times that things have happened within the last forty years and the purple section simulates the action of potassium permanganate on aluminium. There is a clear indication here that, given certain factors, and if extended over a period of several hours, the thing that has happened today may very well present a significant obstacle. Back to you, Graham.

Cut back to anchor.

Eckersley: Thank you, Dominic, most illuminating. Well, Hugh, most illuminating?

Proctor: Oh yes, I would say it is most illuminating. I for one feel quite illuminated. Of course, it's still early days for this situation yet.

Chorus

Eckersley: You called it a 'situation'. Do you think that that is a fair description of this thing?

Proctor: Time will tell, of course - situation... incident... occasion. Whatever this thing turns out to be, I'm sure that it will have a profound impact on something else. In fact, comparisons are already being drawn with a thing that happened in 2017, and I'm sure you remember the impact that thing had at the time and, indeed, continues to have now.

Eckersley: Absolutely, Hugh. And let me assure everyone watching at home that, like then, we will continue to bring you all the news that happens, as it happens, and, indeed, if it happens. For now, I'm delighted to be able to tell you that we are joined by former royal butler, Andrew Babbacombe. Andrew.

v. "...knowing the royal family as I do..."

Babbacombe, an excessively coiffured man wallowing in a cloud of his own smugness, sits opposite.

Babbacombe: Thank you, Graham. It's really wonderful to be here on this remarkable day. And, knowing the royal family as I do, I'm sure they are thinking that it is a remarkable day too.

Eckersley: Remarkable indeed. You, of course, worked closely with the royal family in 2009 and 2010.

Babbacombe: That's right. And again in 2015.

Eckersley: So you got to know them quite closely?

Babbacombe: Oh yes, I got to know them quite closely. Of course, the royal family maintain a dignified distance from their staff.

Eckersley: As is only proper.

Babbacombe: As is only proper, indeed. But I think I occupied a special position of trust. I remember once that the Prince of Wales asked me to pick up a piece of paper. And of course, I was constantly nipping out to the newsagent's for the Countess of Wessex. So, knowing the royal family as I do, I think I can say that this thing that has happened will have had some impact.

Eckersley: I see. Well, of course, we don't know what thing has happened yet, or whether there is any royal connection. Many experts are already equating it with the thing that happened in 2017. There was no direct royal connection there, of course, but perhaps you can tell is what impact the 2017 thing had on the family?

Babbacombe: Oh, considerable, most definitely considerable. As you say, there was no royal connection, as such, but the mood within the palace most definitely reflected that of the rest of the nation. Obviously, I wasn't working for the royal family in 2017, but knowing the royal family as I do, I think I can say that there was considerable impact.

Eckersley: Andrew Babbacombe, thank you very much for joining us.

Babbacombe: Thank you, Graham, it's been a pleasure. And my I say that, knowing the royal family as I do, I'm sure they would say it has been a pleasure as well.

Eckersley swings back to Proctor.

Eckersley: Considerable impact, Hugh - your thoughts?

Proctor: We must be careful not to jump the gun, but it's probably safe to say that whatever this situation turns out to be, its impact may indeed be considerable.

Chorus

Eckersley: You called it a 'situation'. Do you think that that is a fair description of this thing?

Proctor: Time will tell, of course - situation... incident... occasion. Whatever this thing turns out to be, I'm sure that it will have a profound impact on something else. In fact, comparisons are already being drawn with a thing that happened in 2017, and I'm sure you remember the impact that thing had at the time and, indeed, continues to have now.

Eckersley: Absolutely, Hugh. And let me assure everyone watching at home that, like then, we will continue to bring you all the news that happens, as it happens, and, indeed, if it happens. And right now I'm being told that we have some breaking news...

vi. "...some talk of a van..."

Eckersley leans forward with his finger to his earpiece, listening to what the voices in his head are telling him.

Eckersley: ...Yes... yes... yes, we're getting reports now of an incident on the M6, possibly involving a truck, or a bus. There has also been some talk of a van of some description. Well, let's go over once more to Sally Crompton in Loughborough for the reaction there. Sally, what's the reaction there?

Loughborough again. Still raining.

Crompton: Well, people are certainly reacting. I spoke to someone just a few moments ago, and he reacted quite noticeably. In fact, unofficial reports are saying that there hasn't been so much reaction here for at least three years, which just goes to show you how reactive the people of Loughborough are.

Eckersley: Now, these unconfirmed reports have mentioned the possibility of a van of some description.

Crompton: Yes, and that has been one of the things that people have been reacting to. Many Loughborough people, of course, have vans of some description of their own, and this latest development is being viewed with deep interest by the van-owning contingent here in Loughborough.

Eckersley: I'm sure it is. Now, we should of course say that Loughborough is some distance from the M6.

Crompton: That's right, Graham. Many places are some distance from the M6, and Loughborough is certainly one of them. Even so, I think it's fair to say that the people of Loughborough have an affinity with this motorway, using it to travel to places like Northwich, Warrington and Wigan, often in vans of some description.

Eckersley: Of course. Well, as we're speaking, the police have issued a statement to say that the incident on the M6 was a stray sheep, this has now been safely dealt with without incident, and at this point there is no reason to think that there is any connection between this incident and the thing that has happened. Something more for the people of Loughborough to react to, Sally?

Crompton: Absolutely. I'm sure there will be plenty or reacting going on in the streets of Loughborough tonight.

We're back to Proctor in the studio.

Eckersley: Hugh, some interesting developments, there. However, it certainly seems that the sheep incident on the M6 is not connected with the thing that has happened. Although I don't suppose we can be absolutely certain at this stage.

Proctor: Well, in a situation like this, we certainly can't say for certain that a certain set of circumstances is or is not relevant. It's very much anyone's guess.

Chorus

Eckersley: You called it a 'situation'. Do you think that that is a fair description of this thing?

Proctor: Time will tell, of course - situation... incident... occasion. Whatever this thing turns out to be, I'm sure that it will have a profound impact on something else. In fact, comparisons are already being drawn with a thing that happened in 2017, and I'm sure you remember the impact that thing had at the time and, indeed, continues to have now.

Eckersley: Absolutely, Hugh. And let me assure everyone watching at home that, like then, we will continue to bring you all the news that happens, as it happens, and, indeed, if it happens. But what of international reaction? On the line from Washington now, we have Professor Rachel Plimsoll, special adviser to the White House on significant matters. Professor, in your experience, do you think that the thing that has happened could turn out to be a significant matter?

vii. "...five different levels of significant matters..."

Live from Washington, probably

Professor Plimsoll: Hi Graham, great to be speaking to you. Let me begin, Graham, by explaining that over the years we have identified five different levels of significant matters.

Eckersley: Five different levels of significance?

Plimsoll: Three different levels of significance, Graham, and two different levels of matters. And, you know Graham, we very much feel that most things that have happened can be categorised in this way.

Eckersley: So you strongly believe that this thing that has happened can be categorised by your system?

Plimsoll: Well Graham, very little is known about the thing that has happened yet, and only a complete moron, Graham, would recklessly risk their reputation and their career by rashly making any kind of snap prediction, Graham, based on the scant information that we have at our disposal at this time. But I would say this is definitely a level three, Graham.

Eckersley: Well thank you to Professor Plimsoll in New York, there.

Plimsoll: Washington, Graham.

Eckersley: Apologies. Thank you, Professor Washington in Graham. Level three, Hugh - is that a fair assessment?

Hugh Proctor is still here. He's not going anywhere.

Proctor: A fairly fair assessment, I'd say. I might even go further and suggest that this situation could reach level four or, who knows, level five.

Chorus

Eckersley: You called it a 'situation'. Do you think that that is a fair description of this thing?

Proctor: Time will tell, of course - situation... incident... occasion. Whatever this thing turns out to be, I'm sure that it will have a profound impact on something else. In fact, comparisons are already being drawn with a thing that happened in 2017, and I'm sure you remember the impact that thing had at the time and, indeed, continues to have now.

Eckersley: Absolutely, Hugh. And let me assure everyone watching at home that, like then, we will continue to bring you all the news that happens, as it happens, and, indeed, if it happens.

That's right, all the news that happens, as it happens, and on through the night. We'll bring you analysis, opinions and commentary on every development. And if nothing develops, you can be sure that we'll bring you even deeper analysis, more far-ranging opinions, and louder and more colourful commentary, on and on and on, into the night. As it happens. When it happens. If it happens, and even if it doesn't happen. Right now, let's go back to Sally Crompton and gauge the reaction in Loughborough.

viii. "...as sure as eggs is eggs (aching men's feet)..."

Eckersley: Sally, we were wondering what the latest reaction is in Loughborough? So tell us, what is the latest reaction in Loughborough? In particular, how have people in Loughborough been reacting, and has that reaction been, in any sense, one that is likely to cause a reaction in, for example, other, less reactive, parts of the country, bearing in mind of course that...

Repeat until fade.


22 July 2021

The Sandwich: #39

The Sandwich

#39

I was going to do this joke. You see, I am teaching my cow all about etiquette and presentation, and I was going to start with a thing about elocution. Elocution is about speaking properly, and not about sticking your fingers in power sockets, which is a word that sounds similar but is a different thing all together. Important not to get them mixed up. Anyway, my joke would be about teaching my cow to say 'How now brown cow', which is something that you do in elocution. Then the punchline would be something about my cow ought to be able to say that already, since it already moved in those circles. I would probably have made the punchline a bit snappier than that, but of course my cow can't talk, so I can't do the joke. It would have been good though, wouldn't it?

All right, so it can't talk but it can moo, and it has this habit of doing a moo right down your earhole when you're not expecting it. I have been teaching it not to do this, by slapping it in its fat face every time it does it. It just looks at me stupidly every time, but I think the message is getting through.

I am also teaching it 'deportment', which is walking proper. At the moment it just kind of lumbers about all over the place, barging into people, with its limbs going in all directions. I am teaching it to walk a straight line using dainty steps, whilst balancing books on its head. Surprisingly, it not only seems to enjoy this, it's actually quite good at it. I'm thinking that we should scrub the idea of giving cow rides and go for something a bit more upmarket instead.

 


21 July 2021

The Sandwich: #38

The Sandwich

#38

I am dead good at doing proper etiquette. Many people know this about me, which is why I am constantly being invited to garden parties and cocktail gatherings and so forth. In fact, it has become something of a bore - yawn, yawn - which is why when I receive an invitation these days, I politely tell them to get themselves stuffed.

Doing proper etiquette is not difficult, as long as you remember a few simple rules. For example, when deciding which cutlery to use, you have to start on the outside and work your way in. Depending on where you are sitting, this could mean that you end up using someone else's cutlery, and they can get a bit shirty about this if they don't understand how to do etiquette as well as you do. Many's the time I've got into a bit of a tussle over someone else's fork, and in these situations it is perfectly permissible to subdue them with a discreet headbutt. This saves embarrassment all round and, believe me, they'll thank you for it later.

Mastering polite conversation is a must. For example, whenever you meet someone posh, you must say 'Ah, Lord Featherstone, I believe we met in San Moritz last season'. It doesn't matter that you've never been to San Moritz, or that you've never met this person before, or that their name is not Lord Featherstone. As long as you say this word for word, and don't accidentally gob on them while you're doing it, then it should be enough to prevent you getting thrown out before you sit down to the soup course.

So, my task today is to try and impart some of my vast knowledge of etiquette to my cow, and thus make it a more presentable member of society. Wish me luck.

 


20 July 2021

The Sandwich: #37

The Sandwich

#37

I have started making a list of my favourite green things. So far, the only green things I can think of are peas, green M&Ms and Yoda, and I don't really like peas, so my list is really quite short. The reason I started making my list is because I have stood around in the park all day, waiting for people to come and pay me to ride my cow, and I am bored, bored, bored.

Nobody, it seems, is interested in riding a cow. I know, right, I couldn't believe it either! At one point I decided to adopt a more aggressive marketing strategy by running after people, shouting 'Ride my cow! Ride my cow!' This seemed to attract the wrong kind of attention and I gave it up after two elderly ladies turned on me and kicked the doings out of me.

I went and sat in a bush, nursed my bruises and reflected on my strategy. As far as I could see, I was doing nothing wrong. Therefore, if it wasn't me, it must have been the cow that was at fault. It was an ugly and sullen brute, and it was obviously putting people off. Tomorrow, I decided, we would have to work on its manners, and probably give it a bit of a hair do or something.

 


Blog Index

Archive 1

February 2001
- July 2003

Paper Cuts

"A paper cut. I fear I may need to take the day off..."

Motorcycle Display Teams

"When Zeppelin built the first motorbike..."


Rob Hammond's Guide to Buddhism

"Using nothing more than a raised elbow..."

What Is It?

"The scientific community has been rocked to its foundations..."

more...

 

 

Noblock and Kerfanderbuck

"The fenny bentleys all dropped dead..."


Consumer Instructions Awards

"Confusing, badly translated and weird..."

Regina Loans

"Wholly owned and operated by the Royal Family..."

Fly-Tipping Astronauts

"Spacemen are making my life hell..."

more...

Post Nuns

Nuns to be installed in post offices.

Fraudulent Bananas

Some of these bananas are bent

Quickfire Questions

We quiz a famous celebrity

Man Picks Fight with Pacific Ocean

Mr Omelette charged with assaulting Pacific Ocean.

Is Your Tortoise Roadworthy?

Really?

My Favourite Nuts

An actor remembers

  The Problem with Fairies

Dealing with fairy folk

New Improved Bullshit

I wouldn't settle for anything less

Historic Knees

Knees of national importance

Fishys

Poor little fishys

More...
Professional Scarer
Arty Tomatoes
Animals
more
Kicking and Screaming

Prologue: Peanuts

You Don't Have to be Mad to Work Here...

Machiavelli Management Solutions

The Bleeding Obvious

Exploding Dogs

Baby's First Swear

Scrufty's Magic Juju Shop

Pigmongering

Empire of the Flowers

Scumm

Mrs Wilberforce and the River

Epilogue: Persons Unknown

Golfing bird
The Hedgehog King Board Meeting Goldilocks and the Free Bears Death Doom and Disaster Tall Story in a Short Glass Venus by Catapult Barry Buys a Broom
The History of Rock
Standard British NunsTeaching Carrots to FlyStandard British NunsExtreme Dinosaurs
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