Shark Fishing
Fergus Pong has a shark problem.
The Prime Time Gameshow Generator
As used by TV executives worldwide.
Cut Price Chips
You like chips? You like lots of chips?
Space Things
The continuing adventures of Astro Cat.
Pooley's Fire Distinguisher
Put paid to that firey bullshit.
Moroccan Dancing Moles
David Attenburger's Wonderful World of Nature.
Here Comes Barry Smith
Wise words from Shepton Bassett's number one coach driver.
Are you ready for Digital Ornithology?
Analogue birds are about to be switched off.
Maisy Donnington's Office Safety
How to avoid the business end of a stapler.
Rod Stewart and Enya's Rock 'n' Roll Mysteries
Solving crimes and fighting bad guys.
Gerald de Scooter's Restaurant Guide
Top notch swanky grub,
Cold Fusion Sandwiches
A new era in atomic lunches.
The Trivial Accident Group
Have you been slightly inconvenienced at work?
Evening Courses
Pseudo-academic subjects and frivolous arts and crafts courses.
Puzzle Page!
With the amazing Mr Ooluv.
Slugbond
Because an inflated slug is a happy slug.
Words of wisdom from our resident medic
...Tigers ...Moles ...Farm Machinery ...Hypnotism ...Fruit ...Soap ...Implants ...Pianos ...Happy Clappers ...The Environment
Pretty Pictures
Better management through crayons.
Squeak Off
The big noise in footwear technology.
Debt Matters
Making you aware of your debt.
Announcing the iSpong
Totally changing the way that people spong in the future.
Thinking of Buying an Octopus?
How to look after your squishy friend.
Art
Selwyn Peach paints Elephants
Neighbor Nightmares: The Movie
Two men, one drive, no prisoners.
What Is It?
How what why when who where and when? Hello?
Out and About
The International Toast Museum and other attractions.
Death By Pastry
A huge pie just hanging in space.
Not Funny
Prof Jez Moonbeam is laughable.
New Rights for Fictional Characters
It's no longer ok to call Oliver Twist a twat.
Mind Your Wind
Issued by the Ministry of Gas, 1942.
Oven Chimps
With none of the greasy aftertaste of regular monkeys.
Cosmic Background Apathy
Will the universe keep expanding until it can't be bothered anymore?
Extreme Dinosaurs
Skateboarding plesiosaurs, rollerblading raptors and a brontosaurus with a space hopper.
Rationalising Britain's River Network
Britain's waterways need straightening,
Grampion Strangely's Mountain Rescue
These vulnderable mountains need your help.
One-Sided Dice
One-Sided Dice for Fatalists.
Mr Gammon's Objections
Shepton Bassett Council Responds
Eazee-post
Taking the pain out of internet forums.
Historic Knees
Knees of outstanding natural beauty.
Bean Legacy
This summer, Christian Bale is Mr Bean.
Bad Grandma Grammar
The inappropriate erection of words.
Galactic Phrasebook
Learn to speak Venusian!
Typists of the Kalahari
Shorthand tigers and double entry hippos.
Sounds of Nature
Relax with chickens.
The Unusual Suspects
A message from Det. Insp. Barker Harris.
Bristletech Industries
Do you need to grow a beard? Fast?
Doing the Lord's Work
Vicars on the job.
Why Your Printer Doesn't Work
Most of these devices are allergic to paper.
Gentlemen's Etiquette
How to behave right proper and all that.
Flexi Mortem
The only credit card you can use after death.
In the market for a used policeman?
How to spot a dodgy copper.
Astralguard
Insurance for Astral Travellers.
Emergency Kebabs
When you absolutely positively need a kebab.
The World Bullshit Record
Team bonding, goal setting and table top brainstorming
Night of the Womble
Unpublished Womble book is dystopian nightmare.
Crystal N.R.G.
Harnessing the mystical bollocks of the universe.
Cake Rage
Pastry related assaults.
The Kidderminster Lemon Exchange
Open now for faster, more reliable lemon exchange.
Donald Fact's Fact Blast
It's a Fact, brought to you by Crunchy Flakes.
Digital Vicars
The secret ways that vicars communicate?
Persons Unknown
Mr Frampton is looking for somoeone to blame.
An Open Letter to Shepton Bassett Park & Zoo
Sorry about your monkeys.
Inside the Nun Factory
Where do nuns come from?
Munchy Burger
Can you cut the mustard as a top burger executive?
Some People You've Never Heard Of
Rancid Alan Grease and others.
Butterfly
Prof Jim Spanners explains chaos theory
An Important Announcement about Fish
Clever trout and erudite pilcards.
The Ultimate Procrastination Suite
Just been handed a project but can't be bothered to get started?
The Beaufort Scale
Slight wafts and uninvited pumps.
Cash for Pets
Trade in your unwanted dog.
The Alternative Olympics
Speed swingball and dodgem rallying.
Introducing Flying Squirrels
Flying into the side of a house at forty knots...
National Consumer Instructions Awards
Confusing, badly translated or just plain weird.
British Gas
Sending foreign gas back home.
The National Key Museum!
We've got keys!
Barney's Magic Wonder Show
Belinda Sommers reviews the latest production.
Welcome to Stick World
If you like sticks, well, we've got sticks.
Short and Curly
Unlocking the power of curly hair.
Know Your Birds
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Modern Day Bird Warfare
Food Banking
MPs praise growing industry.
Scrufty's Magic Juju Shoppe
A tale of oconker mismanagement.
Criminal Offence Self-Assessment Form
Tick the box if you're a wrong 'un.
Dobbins of Doncaster
Get yourself a quality ass.
Veg-U-Like
Tomatoes, cauliflower, brussel sprouts and peas - collect the whole set.
The Wackiest Person in the UK
Alison Perkins is a mad as a fish.
No Offence
The Right Honourable David McGog unapologetically apologises.
Jehovah's Cleaners
Because cleanliness is nexr to godliness.
Operation Mutton
The millitary applications of sheep during WWII.
Cooker Island
Where the toasters roam free.
The Thoroughfare of Success
Dick Smidgen teaches you how to live your life but better.
Anti-Assertiveness Classes
Tone it down a bit.
The Language of Dance
Jazz hands and quickstep.
Is Your Tortoise Roadworthy?
Important news from the Ministry of Tortoises.
The Shepton Bassett Village Fete
In aid of the St Tiddles in the Font Restoration Fund.
The Drivelling
Troubled Hammer film gets new release.
The Square Root of Green
Fresh breakthrough in the science of colourology.
World of Holes
Europe's leading stockist of quality holes.
How to Look After Your Cement Mixer
A great addition to any home.
Fats Porker - Blues Whinger
In memory of Crappsville's finest son.
Cock
The magazine for young gentlemen.
Punctuation Crisis
We're running out of apostrophes.
The Great Space Exhibition
Glorious innovations and technical marvels!
Fine Dining
with Woodroffe Spanker
Arty Tomatoes
Guy Pakker's latest artistic venture.
No More Glasses!
Fry sausages with just a wink of the eye.
We're No Longer Recruiting...
...but here are some of the unlucky applicants
Your Staff Feedback, Your Way
Tired of hearing from ungrateful and misguided staff?
The Devil's Arse On Tour
Famous cavern to tour country
Cheese Genome Finally Cracked!
Scientific proof of the existence of cheese.
Pigmongering
Fergus Pong introduces us to this dying art.
Kicking Up a New Stink
Breakthrough leads to discovery of new smell.
Marmaduke Irksome: A Retrospective
Talking crap in the House of Commons.
For Kids of All Ages...
Introducing our new range of children's books.
Teaching Carrots to Fly
The cutting edge of vegetable warfare.
Twenty-First Century Scouting
A woggle for the new miilenium.
Octo-Fever
Are you allergic to octopuses?
Professional Scarer
GRRRRRR! AAAAARRRRGH! GRRRR!
Comfy Dinners
A meal fit for a bed.
Drive-by Wallpapering
Delinquent decorating.
How To Be Sweary
with Professor Timothy Bottom.
The Sandwich Advisor
Buying a sandwich is the third most stressful thing you can do.
So You've Got a New Manager?
How to stop it crapping in your in tray.
Topping Talent
Featuring the Marvellous Undersea Kingdom of Colin Chocolate.
Petunia Mulch
Plant psychologist.
Forward to the '80s
How we'll all be travelling in the '80s.
A Career in Printing
Why not specialise in the colour green?
Feathered Friends
Could you befriend a lonely parrot?
Echo...Echo
Mr Clutterbuck has an echo... echo... echo.
Did Man Really Go To Belgium?
The dark truth behind the Belgian conspiracy
Ricky Stratocaster's History of Rock
Caught by the Fuzz
New Recruitment Initiatives within the UK Police Force.
Jaggedy
Mrs Lubricant wants a tidiery Britain.
Blood Donors Needed
Please bleed into the envelope provided.
Greygolds Residential Care Home
Where quality care costs extra.
The Wonderful World of Ants
Ants, ants, ants, ants!
Linguini!
Learn to speak fluent pasta.
Empire of the Flowers
Major General Barmy-Phipps Discusses Operation Growbag.
Dolby Noise Reduction Sausages
Cut out the hiss next breakfast time.
Gin!
Gin, gin and more gin!
Help a Pirate in Need
These buccaneers desperately need your support.
Jazz Bomb
Raw unadulterated jazz.
The Aromatron
A whole new world of smells awaits you.
Mrs Womble writes...
'Ello 'Ello 'Ello, What's All This Then?
Presenting The Metropolitan Police Choir.
Happismiles Emergency Clown Service
For when your regular clown lets you down.
Carter-Pierrepoint
Particulate mapping of key delivery nodes.
Traffic Watch
Heavy vibes are causing delays on the A52.
Selling Crap for Fun and Profit
The very best in useless tat.
Petty Complaints Ombudsman
Giving your batshit insade complaints the respect they deserve.
Product Recall
Some of our biscuits may contain canoes.
Dream Strides
Emergency trousers delivered direct to your anxiety nightmare.
Spooky Doings
The magazine of weird and improbable stuff.
The Embarrasment of Nasal Hair Loss
Nostril wigs for all occasions
A Sustained Corporate Battering
We're concerned about Mr Pyle
Quality Service at Pooley's
With our motoring correspondent, Martin Carburetor.
The Battersea Wigs Home
We never put a healthy wig down.
Global Moistening
Fear of a wet planet.
The Montreux Clinic For Aural Readjustment
Get your wonky flappers straightened here
Something Happened on Tuesday
Probably, but we're not sure what.
Ant Facts
with Donald Fact.
Wind Tunnel Technician
Pardon?
New Deposits of Earwax Discovered
Significant quantities discovered in Mr Harry Frome
A Very Local Paper
All the news that's local to Mr Henry Droop, Littlehampton.
Some more stupid than others.
Barry Buys a Broom
Dirty Doings at Featherstone Manor
Board Meeting
The Day Before Tomnorrow
Tall Story in a Short Glass
The Hedgehog King
The Mystery of the Shitfaced Man
Venus by Catapult
You Again
Death, Doom and Disaster
Goldilocks and the Free Bears
History in Focus
An elbow shaker and a lickspittling mumblecrust
Stuff Your Bleeding Job
How to resign digracefully.
Dark Batter
Is the missing mass in the Universe actually pastry?
Brick II
Recycling the rubble.
Hear and Now
For collectors of rare and unusual sounds.
Nuclear Garden
Mr Sideboard is not happy about his exploding shed.
Maisy Donnington's Guide to Perking Yourself Up
Turn that frown upside down.
How Long is a Piece of String?
The hit gameshow for all the family.
Exploding Dinners
Put the fun back into dinner time.
Maisy Donnington's Cheese Etiquette Page
Your guide to the wonderful world of cheese.
Harry Carson is Watching You
It's a man's life as a modern store detective.
Sofas are From Mars...
The race to put the first sofa on Mars.
Local Heroes
Outstanding achievements in the field of vandalism.
Metal Detecting
German U-Boat Found on Devon Beach.
Machiavelli Management Solutions
Discipline over distance.
Tripping the Dark Fantastic
Hello darkness my old friend
Amateur Stamp Collector Collector
Want to know how much to pay for a Nigel Tomlinson?
Mathew Sandblaster-Trogg
A bouncy little freak.
Scoop!
Local frog trapped in drain.
Buttock Express
Your arse in our hands.
Top Twenty Albums of the '70s
With Ricky Stratocaster, professor of twangology.
Jars-4-u
Get your jars opened by a professional jar opener!
Nobby Wentworth's Pet Surgery
Save cash - fix your own pets in the comfort of your own home.
Well Stuffed
Rogue taxidermist terrorises family pets.
Travel News
Cowboys on the line and bricked up tunnels,
Ralph Trundle: F1 Driver
We talk to a legend of the circuit
So Special
Special beauty therapies for very special people.
Shave the Moon
Our hairy satellite.
The Delusion of J Henry Proudfoot
We meet an alien archaeologist.
A Ding-Dong Duvets
Prof Reynaud pulls a fast one.
Things Fall Over All the Time
Arthur's train only has wheels on one side.
Diagnosis
Professor Wimple has a dirty mouth.
Maxi-Lingual for Motorists
Curse fluently in over six languages.
Optimum Leaning Angles
How to look cool and interesting at an angle.
Noblock and Kerfanderbuck
All smileytangled cockrock strop.
It's All in the Game
Classic board games from the past.
Dilbert's Donkey Solutions
Professional donkey storage.
Fleegle
New number has consequences for the future of the universe. And bingo.
SciFi Fan Draws a Blank
Publisher leaves pages blank to cut costs.
Knitting in Colour
This day in 1956 saw the introduction of the first regular colour knitting patterns.
Old Clothes
Trading Standards warn against dangerously out of date clobber.
Tony Fold's Country Rambles
with guest rambler, Rory Triffic.
Mr & Mrs Pottle are Lost Again
Why can't these people just stay at home?
Rob Hammond's Essential Guide to Buddhism
Rob Hammond will give you a spiritual kicking,
Sugar Free Vegan Diesel
There's no butter in it either.
Fatquake
A sad farewell to the world's fatest man.
Donald Fact's Fact Breakers
Remembering the classic '70s kids' show.
Fraudulent Bananas
Phony fruit.
Motorcycle Display Teams
A bunch of blokes twatting about on bikes.
It's a Fact
Fun facts from the Fact Master. Fank you.
Centuri Space Supplies
Second hand space travel
The Horse-Drawn Record Player
Equestrian technology.
Poot
Bigger, Better, Faster, Now!
Shepton Bassett - A Vision for the Future
Better late than never, our town plan.
Doing Lengths
Mr Zing is swimming from pole to pole
World of the Wacky
With the Amazing Mr Ooluv
The Discovery of Vitamin G
Great moments in science.
Dougal Fridgely
Possible dwarf planet discovered in Tadcaster
Skydiving
Skydiving without the unnecessary inconvenience of a parachute.
The Bleeding Obvious
You pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
Man Blames ESA for Domestic Eclipse
Mr Cravat is not happy about where they park their stuff.
Yeti Makeover
Mrs Stenchtrouser is planning an expedition.
Tax, What Tax?
Sir John Wyndrell has never heard of his own company.
Piffin: A Mediterranean Paradise
Boasting Europe's biggest landfill.
Spread the Good Word!
Your chance to buy shares in the Salvation Army!
Baby's First Swear
Teach your little angel to swear like a trooper.
Have you got what it takes to stay in the country?
Be a great Briton. Or get out.
St Tiddles in the Font
Parish newsletter.
The Fish Olympics
Piscine polevaulting and haddock hurdles.
It's a Fact!
More facts from the Funky Fact Feller.
Songs of Inspiration
Jesus Wants Me For His Darts Team.
Cosmos Rocks
In an infinite universe, there is no limit to human gullibility.
10 Things You Never Knew About Frogs
Frogtastic Facts
Core Competencies in Office Furniture
Sign up for a certificate in filing cabinets.
An Old Fart Remembers
Do you remember Puthering Day?
Whose Legs Are These?
The gameshow for all the family
A Fistful of Sausages
Brought to you by the meat marketing board.
Pigchums
Meet likeminded pigs in your area!
Auras by Post?
Spruce up your chakras
Bare-knuckle Snooker
The biggest threat to law and order since badminton
Brixham Trouser Museum
The UK 's premier trouser experience.
Barry the Road Safety Owl
No nonsense advice from a wise old bird
Mr Bannerman's Evidence
Courtroom confusion.
Lillywhite Lenny
On the importance of staying on the fecking horse.
The Long Range Trouser Forecast
Overnight corduroys and occasional dungarees.
What's On in Lower Bumpstead
A packed programme, following that unfortunate incident with the fire eater.
Staff Handbook
A handy guide to your new workplace.
International Arse Kicking
Bottom kicking for fun and profit.
Wisbech
Theft of town exposed as hoax.
Christopher Columbus Discoveries Inc
If you've lost it, Chris will find it.
Bing Crosby Boxing
Punching singers in the mouth.
Award for Outstanding Celebrity
New awards for old has-beens
Buy Our Shampoo
Just buy it, ok.
Glen Twerk is not at Work
Caveat emptor, quo vadis.
All material Copyright © Paul Farnsworth 2000-2026, and may not be reproduced without the express permission of the author. All characters, companies and organisations are fictitious, and any similarity to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental. || Picture Credits: P.Farnsworth/morguefile.com/craiyon.com. || Privacy Notice: this site does not collect, store or otherwise process your personal data. Sorry, but I'm not the slightest bit interested in you.
