A monthly round-up of comic gems from around the web

May 2016

The Whitechapel Whelk The Whitechapel Whelk St. Marvin's Church Hall, Whitechapel: Annual Newsletter

Thank the lord we managed to persuade "The Kim Jong-un Appreciation Society" to give up their vigil.

Whitechapel in Shock as Singing Vagrant Steps on Garden Rake

Billy Dell, 57, of no fixed abode, was a regular sight outside Whitechapel tube station.

Violet Venal's Victorian Advice Column

Dear Violet, I am a downstairs scullery maid in a large London house...

Clint Eastwood Interfered With My Pie and Mash Using a Hand on a Spring

Mrs Jade Dell, a hairdresser, and mother of five, looked visibly shaken as she told us of her terrifying encounter with the 107-year-old Dirty Harry star.


Zombie Boy Zombie Boy
The Hourly Terrier The Hourly Terrier Autopsy Confirms That Man Was Killed by Aspartame

A lorry driver from Burnley has died this past week in what's being described as the first 100% confirmed death by aspartame.

Kids From Pink Floyd's 'The Wall' Now All Working at McDonalds

Back in the 1980's there was a fad of rock stars trying to convince children that school was - contrary to the rhyme - not very cool at all.

Fame Reaper Accrues Enough Flexi-Time to Take the Rest of The Year Off

In the past, The Fame Reaper would have had to methodically slash his way through the year at a leisurely pace.

Host Vessel of Galactic Lord Xenu Marks Its 90th Sol-Cycle

Queen Elizabeth II - the 4,703,456th host vessel of our beloved Galactic Lord Xenu - marked the 90th anniversary of its birth-splodging today.


Coma News Daily Coma News Daily Spring Cleaning to Overwhelm Coma Landfill

An unprecedented spring cleaning bug will infect Coma residents this coming weekend, resulting in the temporary shutdown of the Coma Landfill.

8 Things to know About Coma's Deer Sobriety Checkpoints

April may be National Deer Collision Month but Coma Sheriff Paul T. Frostnib hopes to make a dent in that tradition.

Remembering Coma's Infamous Panty Embezzeler

Coma School Board member James W. Jacob "Jake" Smyth made and lost several fortunes as he worked his way from sales clerk to a well-known town elderman.


Beer Can Chicken and Steamed Crab Beer Can Chicken and Steamed Crab
World Supplement World Supplement Bear Grylls has Stranded 30 Estate Agents on an Island with No Intention of Rescuing Them

Second coming and human Swiss Army knife Bear Grylls has marooned thirty estate agents on a desert island with the express intention of leaving them to starve or submit to cannibalism.

David Cameron Spends All Morning Searching for HMRC Login Details

After submitting to pressure from political opponents and agreeing to present his tax return to the public, Prime Minister David Cameron has spent most of his morning searching for his HMRC login details.

Sniffer Dogs Keeping All the Good Stuff for Themselves

Airport security dogs in the UK have been accused of hoarding 'all the good shit for themselves'.

Man Who Gave Beggar 47p Now Pretty Sure He's Up There with Jesus

Greg Phillips broke from his usual morning routine of avoiding eye contact with the local homeless man on his street today.


Tweeter Tweeter
The Suffolk Gazette The Suffolk Gazette Suffolk border wall like giant Portaloo to reflect Norfolk life

The huge border wall being built to keep Norfolk migrants out of Suffolk has been painted to look like a giant Portaloo to reflect what lies north of the county line.

Ed Sheeran statue planned by council

A bronze statue of Ed Sheeran has been commissioned by Suffolk County Council to mark the singer-songwriter's connections to the county.

Foursome farmer gags Suffolk Gazette

A wealthy farmer who had a sleazy foursome with a Miss Whiplash and two sheep has won an injunction against The Suffolk Gazette to stop us revealing his name.


Spring Chickens Spring Chickens
Little Miss Perfect Little Miss Perfect A Complete List of Afflictions I Have Self-Diagnosed

Chronic chocolate deficiency syndrome.


Dogs, Ducks & Aliens Dogs Ducks and Aliens
The Daily Squat the Daily Squat Donald Trump chooses cardboard cutout of himself as running mate

Trump had the cardboard cutout wheeled out on stage and proclaimed it to be infinitely better qualified for the job of Vice President.

Brewery shut for flavouring beer with cat farts

Police raided the Kill Your Dad brewery in East London after local residents complained of meowing and an eggy stench coming from the main building.

Jogger successfully runs without telling anyone their time on social media

'I don't know what it was but something in my mind just said "You know your time, no-one else gives a shit"

White dog shit officially goes extinct

The iconic muck was a staple of many streets and back alleys until as recently as the late 90s.


Dafty News Dafty News Vatican Offers to Stage 2022 World Cup

In a surprise move, The Vatican has offered to host the 2022 FIFA World Cup.

Terrifying New Phone Scam: Forces Sons to Call their Mothers

MOBILE phone users were warned of a new scam that has emerged that forces sons to call their mums.

Islamic State Terrified of Eurovision Song Contest

TERROR group ISIS have revealed they are absolutely scared to death of the annual pop fest.

Anti-Fracking Campaigner Trolled after Falling Down Manhole

The family of a prominent female anti-fracking activist who sustained serious injuries after falling down an open manhole this week, have hit out at what they describe as "a tirade of jeering and abuse".


The Satirist The Satirist Vox Pop, Vox Trump

Anderson Cooper sticks a mic in front
of my face on Central Park South in
New York City

Canada to Close Border to All Americans

In an unprecedented move, at least since the war of 1812, the new Liberal government of Canada has decided to close its entire border with the United States.


How To Get To The Top How To Get To The Top Cameron's Tax Avoidance Was Entirely Justifiable

We would argue that Mr Ian Cameron was perfectly within his rights to avoid paying taxes as he was rich, better spoken than the average man in the street and also very posh.


Natural Newd Natural Newd Beard wearers: Hirsute Heroes or Dangerous Deviants?

The enormous beard has become something of fashion accessory these days.

Future Empathy Group Meetings - Cancelled After 1st Overwhelming Session

Sharing thoughts and feelings from other Empaths proved emotionally overpowering for everyone involved.


Evan Yeti Evan Yeti
Wear Your Cape Wear Your Cape Man Who Buys Leaf Blower No Longer Described As 'Well Liked' By Neighbors

BILL JOHNSON, resident of a once-quiet Minneapolis neighborhood, has been downgraded from "well liked" to "kinda noisy, there"

Report: Over 7 Billion People Did Not Go Viral Last Week

The overwhelming majority of earth's human population did not go viral last week, the week before, or the week before that.


Simon Pinkerton Simon Pinkerton MFA or MMA?

Some pros and cons here for each


BIBL-UK BIBL-UK
Comedyzine.com Comedyzine What They Said & What They Meant

It is not like I used a big fork, it was a tiny little fork, you could hardly see it.


Weird Voyeurism Weird Voyeurism Brooklyn Brawl

To the Left and in the Red corner, wearing union-made trunks and representing the suppressed power of a castrated working class, the Funky Hunky, BERNIIIIIIIEEEEEEE SANDERS!


The University of the Bleeding Obvious The University of the Bleeding Obvious Lillywhite Lenny

They get awful jiggy, some of these horses. Very easy to just slip off.

North Yorkshire's Got Talented Traffic Wardens

Following the success of the recent Bake Off contest to find a new dinner lady, North Yorkshire County Council has once more adopted a talent show format for its latest recruitment drive.

Digital Vicars

One of the greatest mysteries of the Anglican faith has finally been revealed.


 

The Pothole View The Pothole View Johnny Depp Smuggled Amber Heard Illegally to Australia

The Internet is aghast that the sexiest man alive, from a few years back, had to smuggle his own wife illegally to Australia.


The Black Explainer The Black Explainer FX To Broadcast The People V. O.J. Simpson Directors' Cut With Alternate Ending

After receiving hundreds of complaints from irate white viewers about the unsatisfactory episode that concluded The People v. O.J. Simpson, FX have responded by scheduling a new Directors' Cut version with an alternate ending.

American Kicked Off Iraqi Airways Flight For Talking In A Loud, Brash, Arrogant Voice

"I may sound a bit racist but you can never be too sure and I don't want to take any chances as he could've been a Christian fundamentalist or a white supremacist."


Ned's Blog Ned's Blog What an escaped hamster taught me about crisis management

When you find yourself force-feeding Pepto Bismol into your child's constipated hamster, you figure you've faced one of your greatest challenges as a parent.


Queen Mob's Teahouse Queen Mob's Teahouse Ways to Take the Cute out of Parenting

Always refer to pooping as "sharting".

Suburban Fun-Park Hierarchy

Yes, I am a man at the play-area with my sons. Please, don't attempt to disguise your scowls.


Carry On Katy Carry On Katy Why Peppa Pig Makes Me Want To Stop Eating Bacon Sandwiches

As an adult it's hard not to be profoundly irritated by a slab of talking pork in a red dress with a brother who bursts into hysterical tears in eight second intervals.


The Mammalian Daily The Mammalian Daily Park Animals sighted at celebrity can opening

A number of Park citizens were caught on camera yesterday afternoon, eating, partying, and rubbing up against celebrities at a can opening outside The Park.

Court reaffirms right to remain stupid

In a landmark decision handed down this morning, Mr. Justice Augustus Dindon of The Park's Superior Court kept alive the vision of The Park's founder and reaffirmed the right of every Animal to remain stupid.

Toe-Hair Contest exacerbates fear of extinction in some Animals: therapist

The Park's annual Toe-Hair Contest may be having a devastating effect on the vulnerable in our population.


Don't Pick the Flowers Don't Pick the Flowers
The Colane Conundrum The Colane Conundrum TV Guide listings for my five favorite shows

Scientists with questionable credentials team up with a band of rednecks in a harrowing search for the elusive Bigfoot.

'Not responsible for any of the crap that flies out of my truck'

Every day for the past week, I've been stuck behind a truck on my way to work.


FaithReasonBackRub FaithReasonBackRub Ethics Professors Now Throwing Weaker Students Out 3rd Story Window

"If they are able to limp into class the next day alive, then maybe they are worth keeping in the gene pool."

"All of Life is One," Says Man being Attacked by Shark

"The universe is all One! All of life is One," said Deepak Suzuki, a Buddhist Monk and New age teacher, shortly before a great white shark leaped out of the ocean, grabbed him by the leg, and pulled him into the ocean.


The Barbed Wire The Barbed Wire Leaker of Panama Papers Revealed to be David Lee Roth

The former lead singer of Van Halen, David Lee Roth, has rarely been intertwined in international affairs, but now the musician is coming clean about the controversy known as "The Panama Papers."


The Daily Discord The Daily Discord Angus Young Finally Graduates High School

He's Being Asked To Return His School Uniform.

Hadron Collider Finds Evidence Of Benghazite

A Fictional Particle That Comprises Right Wing Scandals.

ISIS Claims Responsibility For Alternate Street Parking

The leader of ISIS, who wished to remain locationless, is claiming responsibility for what many in urban areas are calling "a major pain in the ass."