Hi there! You know, people often stop me in the street and say, "Hey, Doctor Bongo. Tell me about the possible medical repercussions of slapping small children viciously about the face." And I say to them, "Stop bothering me, you fucking lunatic. Can't you see I'm trying to do my shopping here? This is the last time I'll tell you: stay away from me, stay away from my house and stay away from my family. I know people, you know. Oh yes, I have contacts. I could have you shot - so just watch it, sunshine. All right?"
But enough of my problems. You're probably wondering about the possible medical repercussions of slapping small children viciously about the face, and since you asked so nicely, I'll tell you. The thing is, a lot of people believe that child slapping is dangerous and harmful, and can lead to a great many problems - both physical and psychological - in later life. Now, the people who are coming out with this nonsense are, I don't doubt, very well meaning and decent individuals. But they simply haven't got the training or the experience to speak on the matter with any degree of authority. Trust me, they're talking garbage. Hey, I'm a doctor - who ya gonna believe?
The simple fact of the matter is that any kind of sustained physical activity is very good for you, and slapping children is no exception. Just thirty minutes vigorous slapping a day will significantly improve your cardiovascular system and build up muscle strength in the forearms and shoulders. In addition, it is a most excellent means of reducing stress, and I frequently recommend a vigorous bout of child slapping to my more neurotic patients.
So, in conclusion, you have absolutely nothing to fear from beating up small children. Go for it, it's good for you. And if any of those do-gooding know-it-all lefties start sticking their noses in, just tell them that Doctor Bongo said it was okay. And if that doesn't work, then just remember ... I know people.
Happy slapping
