"Like a rubber ball, I'll come bouncing back to you." So sang Bobby Vee back in 1960, and there has been much controversy surrounding this claim ever since. However, recent tests of a scientific nature have revealed that Mr Vee - real name 'Bobby Vee' - was indeed made entirely out of rubber. This finally lays to rest years of speculation that he was actually made out of some kind of synthetic polymer.
It has been announced that Mr Herman Logins of Aberdeen, is to be the venue for the 2012 Olympic Games. Mr Logins - real name, 'Herman Logins' - has previously played host to four Grand Nationals, two major tennis tournaments, the Italian Grand Prix and a series of sell out concerts by U2. However, his commitment to host the games means that he will have to undergo extensive renovation in order to bring him up to international standard. In particular, he will need four full-sized swimming pools installed in the nape of his neck, extensions made to the existing stadium just below his left elbow, and an Olympic village to accommodate the athletes somewhere in the small of his back.
It is painful and expensive work, and Mr Logins will be lucky and if he pulls through. Nevertheless, he believes it will be well worth the inconvenience - if only to get one over on his neighbour, Mrs Janice Spriggs, who famously hosted the World Cup Final in 1966.
A man was admitted to hospital today with severe burns to his left ear after trying to kill himself by sticking his head in a live toaster. Mr Percy Crump -real name, 'Mary Spanner' - explained that he originally intended to commit suicide by gassing himself in his oven, but after his supply was cut off, he was forced to improvise with a number of other kitchen gadgets. After stabbing himself repeatedly in the head with a plastic spoon, then trying to whisk himself to death with a 'Pifco Magimix', he eventually succeeded in wedging his ear into one of the slots of his toaster. Ambulance crews were alerted by a neighbour, who witnessed Crump running around his kitchen with the appliance stuck to the side of his head, 'screaming like a mentalist'. In hospital, it emerged that the toaster had been set on 'Medium' and that Mr Crump's ear could be saved as it had only been partially cooked.
A spokesman for Morphy Richards - manufacturers of Mr Crump's toaster - apologised that the ear had not been cooked all the way through, but pointed out that 'Medium' is only an approximate setting and that different results are often obtained according to the thickness of the bread - or the ear - being toasted.
Congratulations to Martin Bowes-Carter - real name, 'Hello Sailor' - for setting a new all-time long-distance shaving record of 512 miles, 3 feet and 5 inches. This beats the previous record by two and a half feet.
Political upsets ensued when McDonalds, the international chain of fast food restaurants, declared its independence in the early hours of this morning. From 9 o'clock today, anyone entering a McDonalds restaurant will have to present his or her passport at a special checkpoint just inside the main entrance. Local currency will have to be changed into McDollars and strict quarantine regulations will be observed for all animals and children under five years old.
The strict border controls will have the greatest impact on McDonald's staff, who will need to apply for an exit visa in order to leave the premises. Civil rights movements are concerned that impoverished staff trying to avoid the tight controls may endanger their lives by trying to escape to the West through windows and ventilation ducts.
These concerns have been dismissed by Ronald McDonald - real name, 'Lord Zog, the Munificent' - the clown faced lunatic and self-styled dictator of the fledgling nation. He claimed that everyone in his new country would be happy and smiley and nice, and that they would all eat burgers and sing along to the new national anthem, which had been specially written by Chris De Burgh. He also claimed that McDonald's new independent status would enable them to offer a much better service to their customers. However, more cynical observers have speculated that McDonald's have only declared their independence in order to avoid local hygiene regulations.