In a surprise move, nuns are to be installed in 70 main post offices across the UK. If this pilot scheme is successful, a further four hundred could find their way into smaller, local branches. However, the initiative has been slammed by Martin Pike of the National Nun Awareness Association.
"I think this is an incredibly irresponsible scheme," Pike told us. "It might seem like a nice idea to have a nun in your local post office. Certainly it would be convenient, and I can see how it might benefit smaller communities who perhaps don't have any other access to nuns. But the plain fact is that a post office is not a natural habitat for a nun. They can easily become disorientated and frightened, and in such a state they can be extremely dangerous."
Mr Pike may well have a valid point. Recent wind tunnel research involving nuns has indicated that they are extremely unstable, and are liable to explode when placed next to a heat source, when left in direct sunlight, or on Tuesdays.
"It would be far better to use some kind of artificial nun," Mr Pike suggests. "Not only would this be safer and more reliable, but you could turn them off at night to save on electricity."
The recent campaign by the Post Office to encourage more people to communicate via the written word has been hampered by the increasing use of carrier pigeons. In recent years cheaper telephone calls and the convenience of the internet has meant that fewer and fewer people are relying on old fashioned mail. The Post Office is keen to extol the virtues of a well-crafted letter, but resurgence in the popularity of the pigeon has left them with a few problems.
"They keep clogging up the machines," a spokesman told us. "It's all very well people sending pigeons through the post, but our sorting machines just aren't designed to deal with them. It's a common problem down at the depot. Everything will be running smoothly, then all of a sudden you hear a horrible screech of machinery and there's feathers everywhere. Then, of course, every so often you get a live one. They can be a real ball-ache, flapping about everywhere, pecking at peoples hands and faces, and crapping in the equipment."
Nevertheless, the Post Office has reacted positively to the situation by taking on more staff to sort the pigeons by hand. And they wish to remind anyone thinking of sending a pigeon by post to ensure that the address is clearly written on the front of the bird and that the correct postage stamps are firmly affixed to the top right hand corner of the beak.
The University of the Bleeding Obvious is pleased to announce it will be sponsoring this year's International Monkey Challenge. The contest, now in its fifth year, sees teams from around the world pitting their wits against a bunch of monkeys in a series of intellectual and physical challenges. This year's event will take place on Sunday 21st in the car park of the Coach and Horses, Hartlepool, and our thanks go out to Fat Bob for the loan of the stepladder. Readers wishing to attend will be most welcome. Bring your own sandwiches.
It has been said that music crosses all boundaries of culture or religion, but new legislation in Germany will ensure that in future it will have a tough time getting past border control. For many years the German music scene has been a hotbed of new and innovative musical styles - most of it crap, but new and innovative nevertheless. This has been largely due to the influx of foreign music, which began with early skiffle and rock and roll in the fifties, progressed through the beat groups of the sixties, the Europop of the seventies and eighties, and continues today with new forms like 'underground ska', 'technodribble' and 'papp'.
Now, the more conservative elements within the government are concerned that this cross-pollination has diluted traditional German 'oompah' music. They wish to discourage today's modern music, with its strange beats and ludicrous fashions, and return to familiar German folk music, with its conventional beats and sensible lederhosen. To this end, they have been successful in introducing a total ban on all music entering the country.
This means that all forms of music - whether it be recorded on CD or vinyl, or written in the form of sheet music - will not be allowed past special checkpoints that have been set up on roads, at railway stations and at airports. It also means that all musical instruments have been banned, but this has not stopped some people from trying to smuggle them into the country. Customs officers, however, are extremely vigilant, and during the first week of the ban they had already seized forty-three guitars, fourteen snare drums and a trumpet.
"The trumpet was quite an interesting case, actually," says Peter Heinkel, chief security officer at Hamburg International Airport. "The gentleman in question decided he would smuggle the instrument past customs by concealing up his ... err ... Well, shall we say he concealed it in a delicate area. And concealed it rather well, actually. There were only two things that gave him away. One: the rather stiff and ungainly way he walked. And two: the way he played a perfect F sharp with every step."
Doctor Mike Padslow, a surgeon working at the Manchester University Hospital, has developed a revolutionary new technique for treating chronically ill children. He saws their heads off.
"It's a procedure which has a wide variety of applications," Dr. Padslow explains. "We are currently using it to treat everything from brain tumours and spinal injuries to whooping cough, asthma and indigestion."
Where this technique scores over other methods is in its simplicity. Previous treatments have used expensive drugs, specialised equipment and have involved long stays in hospital. The new method requires only a Black and Decker Workmate and a really good hacksaw, and the operation can be carried out perfectly safely in the comfort of the patient's own garden shed. Already, Dr. Padslow claims he has successfully sawed the heads off some five hundred children between the ages of 5 and 14, and he has plans to adapt the technique for adult patients by using a bigger saw. There has, however, been much concern in some quarters.
"Yes, it's certainly controversial," Dr. Padslow admits. "It's true to say that it is extremely painful, incredibly dangerous and desperately immoral. To be perfectly honest there is a very high risk of mortality ... But on the other hand it really is tremendous fun."