Wanted: Gentleman inventor of the world's largest cocktail sausage seeks Lady with the world's largest stick, for friendship, conversation and possible buffet. Pickled onions need not apply.
The International Association of Athletics Federations is proposing the introduction of psychic testing for all athletes following increasing instances of the use of psi powers in major sporting competitions. Many competitors are now turning to telekinesis, astral projection and similar disciplines in order to gain an advantage over their fellow sportsmen and women, and the feeling is that this is not consistent with the spirit of fair competition. Readers will no doubt be familiar with the controversy surrounding the Brazilian Carlos Mendez who employed levitation to gain a gold medal in the 400 metres hurdles at the last Olympics. More recently, several competitors have been accused of using their auras to influence the flight of javelins, but such allegations are difficult to prove. Rather more obvious was the blatant use of bi-location by the Australian athlete Mary Clarkenwell, who was able to compete simultaneously in three different events at a recent tournament in South Africa. Her trainer quite rightly pointed out that her remarkable supernatural talent merely helped her to overcome certain logistical problems, and gave her no particular advantage in the individual events. However, when she passed the baton to herself in the 4x400 metres relay it caused much consternation amongst the spectators, a great deal of confusion amongst the judges, and ultimately prompted the powers-that-be to undertake a serious review of the rules.
Charlie Frangipane, an amateur inventor from Cleethorpes, has built a car out of cream cheese, so that in the event of a collision it will spread itself thinly over the road, providing a tasty treat for local wildlife.
This Tuesday sees beginning of the Second Intercontinental Speed Bloating Championship, in which skinny competitors from around the world will compete to pile on the pounds by stuffing as many cakes and pies down their necks as is humanly possible. The winner will be the first contestant who is unable to squeeze through an average, standard-sized doorway. Following the tragic events of last year's competition, spectators will this year be kept behind a specially constructed blast-proof screen. Measures will also be taken to eliminate some of the cheating that blighted the first championship, specifically the banning of intravenous lard supplements and grease suppositories.
A new charity, snappily titled 'Blind Dogs for the Guide', was launched this week, with the ultimate aim of providing sight-impaired canines with much needed Girl Guides.