Dronfield Town Council's plan to tear down the existing bus station and replace it with a modern new development has met with opposition from a number of protesters who are fighting to preserve the existing building. "The old bus station is of great historic importance," claims Mrs Sheila Twat, president of the Dronfield Bus Station Action Group. "It's part of our heritage and we want to keep it."
Well now the council have finally given in to the group's demands and last week delivered the bus station to Sheila's house, where it currently resides in her back garden. And Mrs Twat is not amused.
"I'm not amused," she says. "The blasted thing has completely destroyed my ornamental rockery, and the buses that come and go at all hours of the day and night have made a right old mess of my roses."
Meanwhile, a spokesman for Dronfield Town Council defended their actions. "I don't see what the problem is," he said. "Mrs Twat wanted the bus station and now she's got it. If nothing else, it will teach the interfering bitch that you should be careful what you wish for."
Barry Stain is not like other men. When he was just seven years old he was bitten by a radioactive slug, and ever since that day he has been living with the knowledge that he is something more than human. Through some freak genetic mutation he is now able to conjure up amazing slug powers. These mostly manifest themselves as the ability to sit very still and not get flustered by anything. Recently he decided he would put these powers to good use, and has advertised his services in the local paper. Ideally, he's looking for some kind of crime fighting assignment, preferably part time, although if this is not forthcoming he will happily consider dog-walking or some light gardening.
So far he has had no takers and is content to sit in his local library, being very quiet. The staff are perfectly happy to have him there. As assistant librarian Shelly Donald explains, as long as they give him the occasional bit of lettuce he hardly gives them any trouble at all.
The World Wildlife Fund announced this week that populations of Giraffes have now fallen to dangerous levels. "It's become a particular problem in recent years," said spokesman Harvey Mental. "Poachers are increasingly targeting giraffes for their legs, so that they can be turned into stilts to feed the latest western craze. We're doing all we can to stamp out this appalling trade, but everyone can play their part. When buying stilts please ensure that they are not made from the limbs of an endangered species. It's all very well striding about town like you're on top of the world, but try to remember those poor giraffes, rolling leglessly around Siberia, or wherever it is they live. Eh? Think on."
Congratulations to Christian Pyle who has invented the worlds first –40 watt light bulb. When switched on, the light bulb will make any room darker, thus introducing a refreshing atmosphere of gloom and despondency to the most glaringly over-illuminated of environments. And initial consumer tests have proved encouraging - with the new bulb scoring favourably over previous methods of artificial darkening, which mostly involved poking people's eyes out with pointy sticks.