Doctors in America have come up with a new headlice seeking missile, which they claim has a kill rate of 100%. And early tests have shown that it's every bit as good as they say it is. Not only does it eradicate the troublesome parasites once and for all, but it also blows you head off and cleans the wax out of your ears at the same time.
A team of information technology technicians from Ottawa have come up with an ingenious idea that could solve all the world's problems in one go. They claim that poverty, over population, pollution and the dilemma of dwindling resources can all be put right by simply switching the planet off, leaving it for a few minutes, then booting it back up again. Theoretically, this should restore all the default settings that were present at the Earth's creation. If that still doesn't work, they suggest wiping everything and reinstalling the laws of physics from scratch.
Doris Tipple is terrified of spiders, and with good reason. After many years of being forcibly ejected from Mrs Tipple's bathroom, the spiders have got tough and have now employed the services of a top lawyer.
"My clients have been residents of Mrs Tipple's bathroom for many many years now," says Bruce Taft, senior partner with law firm Bungle, Taft, Spandex & Plok. "In fact, the family moved in some considerable time before Mrs Tipple herself took up residence, and the verbal agreement they made with the previous owner still stands. Mrs Tipple's repeated attempts to imprison them in matchboxes, throw them out the window and flush them down the toilet is in direct contravention of their rights."
Mr Taft hopes to get the courts to officially recognise the spiders as sitting tenants, but this process could take some time. In the meantime he has been successful in gaining an injunction against Mrs Tipple, preventing her from entering her own bathroom.
The British film industry, which currently turns out in excess of two and a half movies a year, has been rocked by scandal. For many years there has been much debate over what actually constitutes a 'British Film'. In the sixties the British Film Council decided to clear up any confusion and stipulated that all films that featured either Alec Guinness or Peter Sellers could technically be called 'British'. A decade later the ruling was changed, allowing British movies to be identified by the presence of Brian Glover in the cast.
According to the current standard, for any film to be legally classed as British, it MUST feature Julie Walters. However, there has been much concern over the absence of Miss Walters from a new and supposedly 'British' movie currently shooting at Pinewood. Indeed, in what seems to be a slap in the face for the British film industry, the movie features no brash northerners at all. Now lawyers are concerned that this may be in breach of several important health and safety laws, and production has been suspended until the matter can be thoroughly investigated.
A crazed bat has been attacking people in and around Pontefract in West Yorkshire. One of the first victims was Martha Costello, who was out walking one evening, with her feet, when the winged terror came swooping out of the sky and told her that the planet was about to be struck by a gigantic space cabbage called Colin. It then flew off, cackling hysterically and leaving a distraught Miss Costello in tears. In another incident, the bat leapt out from behind a bus shelter and accosted thirty-two-year-old Danny Fellows on his way to work. The bat made him watch as it performed a number of Billy Joel's greatest hits, and forced him to join in on the chorus of Piano Man, before finishing up with a novelty knife throwing act. Luckily the man was able to escape before the encore.
"This animal is extremely dangerous," said Sergeant Derek Nmmmmby of the local constabulary, "and on no account should anyone attempt to approach it. Although, having said that, if the opportunity arises to twat the lunatic creature, go for it. It will save us a job."