The latest film from hotshot Hollywood director Gregg Phallus has already been tipped for a clutch of Oscars, including a Best Actor award for its star, Sam Wrootspangle. Beyond Mental is the harrowing tale of an 'intellectually challenged' young man from Nebraska who, despite his learning difficulties, dreams of one day becoming the first man on Mars. "It truly is a heart-rending tale," says Phallus. "A warm, human story about aspiration and determination in spite of the odds. And Sam turns in a really moving performance as the retard. Spaz-acting is not an easy thing to do, but when you get it just right the awards just come flowing in. Sam plays it like a real mental - acting dumb, naive, talking about himself in the third person and so on. Hey, he's even got a funny walk. It's probably one of the most convincing portrayals I've ever seen. It's almost like watching a real window licker." Hollywood insiders are already praising Phallus for his subtle and sympathetic approach to the subject, and the word is that this movie could do for Sam Wrootspangle what Forrest Gump did for Tom Hanks. But will there be a happy ending for the film's hero? Will he finally realise his ambition to become an astronaut and become the first man to set foot on Mars? "Not likely," says Phallus. "You wouldn't put a freak like that in charge of your rocket, now would you?"
A new study has concluded that fruit is proven to be an effective way of avoiding back pain in later life. The study was initiated two years ago, and has involved doctors from around the country. After looking into many different ways of preventing or alleviating back pain, it has emerged that wearing fruit on the head can greatly improve posture and significantly reduce the risks of spinal and muscular problems developing in the lower back. Generally speaking, the heavier fruits show the best results, with pumpkins and melons proving to be firm favourites. Researchers have suggested that pineapples can also be placed under the armpits for added stability. It is expected that the cost of fruit will rise following this news, and there are already calls for grapefruits to be made available on the National Health.
Legendary footballer Nobby Wentworth, Arsenal's top goal-scorer between 1948 and 1956, is to be buried in London later today. This has been the cause of much contention - firstly because many feel he should be laid to rest in his home town of Bradford; secondly, because he's not actually dead yet.
Middlesex signwriter Mr Steven Leg has become the first person to be prosecuted under the new 'Offences Against the English Language Act'. At the hearing at Birmingham Crown Court the jury heard from a number of Mr Leg's former customers, who complained that the signs he produced for them were badly spelt, grammatically confusing and incorrectly punctuated. In his defence, Mr Leg replied, "i dont no What their talking about!! ive been writing sign's 4 Twenty year's? and - Iv'e never had a singal complaint."
New bus shelters are going to be erected in Copenhagen, following complaints from concerned members of the public. "Well the current ones just aren't suitable," says Hans Tart, spokesman for the pressure group BusWatch. "Many buses in this country suffer at the hands of violent and abusive drivers, and they need places where they can feel secure and protected, and where they can talk over their problems with trained councillors."
There are also plans for a new trolley park, to provide a safe environment in which young shopping trolleys can play.