There are more conspiracy theories concerning President John F Kennedy than any other figure in history, but none are stranger than the claim recently put forward by Emile Krugger. Mr Krugger suggests that President Kennedy never existed in the first place; that he was, in fact, just a cunning scam perpetrated by the CIA for nefarious purposes of their own. Krugger maintains that whenever Kennedy was required to appear in person, the Agency used a sophisticated puppet operated by a man who had previously worked on Gerry Anderson's Fireball XL5. Mr Krugger's book, 'Look, You Can See the Strings', will be out next month.
The High Court has just placed an injunction on bio-engineering firm Piggytech Ltd. to prevent them from genetically engineering pork pies for breeding purposes. This move is a temporary measure, pending a full investigation of the company's activities. It follows complaints that their scientists have been pumping sausage rolls full of testosterone to make them more aggressive. A number of people have already claimed to have been attacked by these products whilst doing their weekly shop, and there are reports that several tins of cocktail sausages have escaped from a supermarket in Arbroath and have turned feral. A spokesman for the company has tried to reassure the public, claiming that everything the company does is in the interests of the consumer. However, many people who attended the press conference were rather less reassured by the fact that Piggytech's spokesman appeared to be made entirely out of pork scratchings.
The National Meterological Front (NMF), the para-military wing of the Met Office, have stepped up attacks on civilian targets following broadcasters' recent refusals to acquiesce to their demands. The NMF is disatisfied with five minute weather bulletins following the news, and wants these expanded into full half hour programmes with higher production values, special guests and dancing girls. It wants all its presenters to be accorded similar status to other TV stars and given their own dressing rooms and parking spaces. It is also looking for funding for a film based loosely on the day-to-day life of an ordinary TV weatherman, who gets involved in a mob shooting whilst forcasting a belt of low pressure over Scotland. If they don't get what they want, the NMF promises further outrages, similar to the recent thunderbolt attack on a shopping mall in Lincoln. There may also be severe hailstorms moving in from the west, giving way to scattered showers later in the day - so be sure to wrap up warm, won't you.
Tragedy struck this year's 'Shoving Things Up a Pig Competion' in St Ives, Cornwall. The event, popular with tourists, can trace its history back to the middle ages, when it was then known as the barely comprehensible 'Ye Shoving Thingees Oop a Pigge Competition'. The basic idea of the contest is pretty much as implied by its title - contestants have ten minutes to shove as many things up a standard-guage competition-sized pig as possible, and the one who gets the most stuff up there is declared the winner. In addition to the main prize, a spot prize is given to the contestant who can shove the most interesting object up his pig. Winning objects In the past have included such diverse items as a trombone, a lawnmower, a space hopper, a sofa, a china tea service and another pig. However, the foolish attempt by a competitor at this year's event to shove a speedboat up his pig resulted in an explosion that took out three rows of spectators and a brass band, and covered the nearby town hall in a thin film of ham. Following this horrific episode there are now serious doubts about next year's event. Organisers are still keen to go ahead, but concede that they may have to forgo the pig and use a duck instead - if they can find one sturdy enough.
The devil makes work for idle hands, or so the saying goes, but exactly what kind of work is this and does it make a significant difference to the jobless totals? A survey by the CBI has revealed that Satan-related employment has moved away from the traditional areas of basket weaving and macrame, and is now concentrated in more lucrative industries, such as the manufacture of electronics and advanced composite materials. In fact, Old Nick Enterprises PLC currently employs over two million people in Europe alone, and a highly attractive medical package, pension plan and other fringe benefits have demonstrated once and for all that the wages of sin can't be all that bad.