Professor Susan Grooverider, Head of Anthropology at the University of Northumberland, has recently claimed that vampires died out in the seventeenth century because they started to blow instead of suck. Professor Susan Grooverider has since been dismissed from her position of Head of Anthropology at the University of Northumberland.
Greatwater College of Industry and Technology is currently offering a Master's Degree in Gravy to aspiring chefs. Culinary hopefuls can also learn how to weld peas and construct box girder radishes. This time last year the future of the college was in grave jeopardy when a flan exploded and destroyed the main kitchen block. Thankfully, sponsorship from local businesses and a lottery grant meant that facilities were rebuilt. Indeed, enough money was raised to allow for the construction of a thirty foot high pastry gantry, which means that the college now has to potential to construct the largest pork pies in Europe.
Mrs Pattie Toaster from Slough has made the extraordinary claim that aliens from the planet Harlow took her aboard their craft and filled her with lard. A subsequent medical examination of Mrs Toaster has revealed no traces of alien lard of any kind. Likewise, she tested negative for margarine, butter and sunflower oil. Nevertheless, in spite of the lack of evidence to support her story, she steadfastly clings to the belief that she was kidnapped by four foot high, pale skinned aliens who pumped her full of fatty deposits. She says that one of them was called 'Bob'.
This month sees the commencement of the sixth International Squirrel Convention, being held this year in Oslo. High-ranking and influential squirrels from all over the world will be in attendance to promote greater international squirrel understanding and discuss important squirrel issues of the day. Top of the agenda this year is likely to be the thorny issue of tree availability in South East Asia, a very grave matter indeed. To lighten the mood, there will also a display of Advanced Scampering by the Royal Highland Regiment's Red Squirrel display team. The whole event promises to be a highly productive and worthwhile occasion, despite the regrettable decision of the South African delegation to boycott the convention in protest at recent changes to nut quotas.
Shed City in Sheffield offers some of the finest sheds your money can buy. Big sheds, small sheds, long sheds, tall sheds - you name it, they promise to have the right shed for you. But their latest model, the T1000, has proven to be something of a retail phenomenon, with stock selling out as fast as they can order it in. Retail manager Karen Ripsaw told us why. "The T1000 really is the perfect starter shed," she informed us. "It's the ideal choice for young couples who have never owned a shed before and are a little nervous about the whole shed thing. After all, owning a shed is a big commitment, and not something to be taken lightly. You don't want to just plump for the first thing you see, else before you know it you've got creeping dry rot beneath your joists and the wind is whistling up your floorboards. The T1000 takes all that worry away."
According to Ms Ripsaw, the T1000 is both durable and easy to assemble, but the main attraction of the shed is the selection of extras that comes with it.
"Every T1000 comes complete with contents," she explained. "What we mean by that is that it comes supplied with all the stuff that you usually find in a well stocked shed: jars full of old nails, parts of a dismembered bike, bits of wood that you hang on to just in case they might come in handy. It has empty paint tins, strange, unidentifiable metal objects covered in rust, broken screwdrivers, bits of wire and an assortment of hinges. The deluxe model even has a stripped down engine block and a wheelbarrow full of concrete."
In other words, it comes full of rubbish, and this has turned out to be its biggest selling point. Ms Ripsaw tells us that customers who buy the T1000 can be confident in the knowledge that it contains nothing of any use whatsoever, and that they can therefore happily lock it up and never set foot in there again. Just like any other shed.