This week Manchester saw the opening of Britain's first discount knocking shop. 'Tartworld' offers the finest selection of whores, slappers, prostitutes and ladies of the night anywhere in the country, all at knock-down prices. Head Pimp, Ronnie Gonzo, boasts that you can pick up a cheap slut for as little as £4.20, and a pack of harlots will cost you less than twenty pounds. There are some great bargains available in the current sale. As the posters say: 'Everything's Going Down at Tartworld!'
Japanese car manufacturer Tykango, a manufacturer of Japanese cars, has been forced to discontinue the production of its latest model. The TYK405, as it was snappily titled, was both reliable and cheap to run. Indeed, it proved extremely popular with Japanese motorists and very speedily became the most abundant Japanese car on Japanese roads. However, Miko Kyoto, the Japanese engineer responsible for the innovative new vehicle, now recognises that it may have been a mistake to fit the car with a self-destruct mechanism. In a country where the latest gadgets and extras are an absolute must, such a device was thought to be an extremely attractive selling point. However, the positioning of the self-destruct button next to the Japanese cigarette lighter inevitably led to confusion, and the number of vehicles being exploded as they were driven to work grew to unacceptable proportions.
Many people have since questioned the necessity of building a self-destruct mechanism into the car in the first place, and the Japanese government is now considering the introduction of new Japanese legislation to curb the practice. Meanwhile, Miko Kyoto has since left the automobile industry and has set up a new company to develop a revolutionary new kind of Japanese toaster. Once again, it will be fitted with a self-destruct mechanism, and Mr Kyoto claims that it can level an area some twenty feet in radius, but leave the Japanese bread standing.
The latest dieting craze to hit the streets comes from nutritionist Louis Squat, who has advocated a low-fat, low-sugar regime with a difference.
"Basically, it's a far less rigid programme than many other popular diets," Louis tells us. "The problem I found with other diet plans was that they lacked a certain amount of flexibility, and this is what really puts people off. I've done away with the strict regimentation and taken a more holistic approach."
The main thrust of Louis Squat's HA Diet - short for 'Half-Arsed' Diet - is that dieters should only ever eat fattening foods if they really want to. Thus, you should avoid cakes and biscuits unless you feel like eating them, and should cut out chips and sausages all together, unless you really like them.
"Fundamentally, what my diet allows you to do," Mr Squat informs us, "is to feel you are actually doing something to improve your health, without the tiresome inconvenience of actually doing something to improve your health. In that respect, it's much like any other diet."
Louis Squat's book, The HA Diet: A Better Way to a Fatter You, is available now from most good pie shops.
A company in Perth, Australia is now offering a unique 'Tattoo by Post' service. You can send off for their catalogue, consisting of sixty flaps of loosely bound skin samples, decorated with over two hundred different designs. You choose the one you want, fill in an order form and send it off, along with you arm, thigh, buttock or whichever area of your body you want tattooing. They will then return the freshly tattooed body part to you within twenty-eight days. The company also does piercings, but they suggest that if you intend to send your cock through the post, you should use registered mail.