The Friends of the Bourbon Cream will be holding a coffee morning in the Salvation Army Hall on the 14th July. Fans of this fascinating and plucky little biscuit are invited to come along and mingle. The Reverend J.W. Walker, Vice President of the International Federation of Biscuit Enthusiasts, will give a talk on the history of this extraordinary snack - tracing its origins from pre-Roman Britain, its decline during the fifteenth century, subsequent re-emergence as a biscuit for the people during the French Revolution, and finally speculating upon the modern Bourbon Cream and its future as a premier biscuit of quality and distinction. The talk will be accompanied by a series of slides showing Bourbon Creams in a variety of erotic poses.
Supporters of the chocolate digestive will also be welcome.
Banbury Gilbert and Sullivan Society will present Pirates of Penzance next Tuesday in the school hall, despite being asked not to. Members of the parish council have joined representatives of the local residents' committee in calling for a halt to the show, but the society has promised to press on regardless of opposition. When asked to comment, Society President Lawrence Castle said, "We're not all that bad."
Nevertheless, the Ministry of Defence has made it quite plain that - should the concert go ahead as planned - it is prepared to use military force, in accordance with UN resolution 314. Rumour has it that they plan to cripple the performance in the first act by taking out the trombonist with a surgical air strike, but a spokesman for the RAF has been unable to confirm this, for operational reasons.
What did Sir Isaac Newton invent first - was it gravity or the cat flap? The most commonly held belief is that whilst trying to figure out how to get apples down out of his tree, Newton was constantly disturbed by his pet cat, Einstein, who continually demanded to be let in and out. Newton eliminated this annoying distraction by cutting a small flap in the door so that the cat could come and go as it pleased. Thus the cat flap was born and Newton was free to go on and invent gravity, which everyone was very pleased about, since it put an end to a lot of unnecessary floating about.
But Professor Sam Sung of the Toshiba International Refuge for Clever Dicks points out that without the action of gravity the cat flap does not work. Therefore, gravity must have been invented first.
Professor Sung's ideas have not been met with much enthusiasm. Many people are fed up with the whole subject, and just wish that the Professor would shut up about it. The general consensus is that Newton should have just twatted the cat with a shovel. We wouldn't have cat flaps today, but at least the gravity might work better.
Tobacco companies have reacted strongly to the latest attacks from anti-smoking campaigners with the publication of a new report. Spokesman Marcus Fagg outlines its main findings.
"There is still much ignorance regarding the effects of tobacco," says Fagg. "And sadly many people find it all too easy to gloss over the benefits of heavy smoking. For example, it has been found that nicotine is a most effective way of reducing stress."
This, of course, is well known. But it is also a widely accepted fact that smoking increases the likelihood of developing cancer and heart disease, and in some cases can cause large and important parts of the body to drop off unexpectedly. So how does the tobacco industry respond to this? Fagg puts their case.
"Yes, we do recognise that these things can be something of an inconvenience. However, I don't think that the prospect of premature death should necessarily discourage a person from smoking. After all, many people smoke all their lives and they're perfectly okay when they die. Well, when I say perfectly okay - they're dead, obviously - but apart from that they're all right. Take my Uncle Tony, for example. He died when he was sixty-three, but it wasn't smoking that killed him - it was a combine harvester, which is a different thing altogether."
So, is that the real message of this report?
"Yes, I think so," says Fagg. "Tobacco can be dangerous, certainly, but it's nowhere near and hazardous as farm machinery."
In an item last month we apologised to Mr Colin David Burridge for calling him an 'arsehole'. It has since been pointed out to us that during the course of that apology we inadvertently called Mr. Burridge a 'wanker'. This was due to a typographical error and in no way reflects the opinion of The University of the Bleeding Obvious. We would therefore like to take this opportunity to apologise to Mr. Burridge and assure him that this will not happen again. And if he's not satisfied with that, then tough shit, frankly the little tosser can swivel.