Everyone knows about Batman, Superman and that feller that got bitten by the radioactive spider. But had it not been for a cruel twist of fate, the pantheon of comic book heroes may have been blessed with another name. In 1963, budding comic book artist, Bud Buddly Buddington, wanted to create a character that kids like him could identify with. His hero had to be ordinary, just like himself. He had to be fallible, just like himself. And he had to be ginger. And so Gingerman was born: a champion for every awkward, freckle-faced, slightly retarded, copper-topped kid in America. Sadly, Bud couldn't get hold of any ginger ink, and so his red headed hero was never realised. And as for Bud Buddly Buddington himself: well, he enjoyed his brief fifteen minutes of fame when he created Hong Kong Phooey, but later died in agony, in a trailer park, in Wisconsin after choking on a space hopper. Honest.
Jenny Appleton, a journalist and media critic, is currently suing the Banbury and District Examiner in what may prove to be a landmark case. It seems that Miss Appleton awoke one morning several months ago to find that she no longer had any opinions about anything. Since Appleton's main responsibility was to provide the paper with its TV review column, the paper's bosses deemed that she was no longer capable of doing her job and therefore dispensed with her services. Appleton claims that the constant stress of finding something to say about the insipid dross that she was forced to watch night after night has totally destroyed any critical faculties she may once have had, and is suing her former employees for damages. Apparantly she got the idea from a TV programme.
Meanwhile the paper has been without a TV review column for three months now, and is set to fight off a class action from its readers, who claim that a lack of informed opinion has left them uncertain, confused and unable to determine whether they enjoyed watching any of the previous night's TV.
Chief Inspector Wilbur Violence of the Essex police force has been in the news following the introduction of his latest radical anti-crime initiative. "We've experienced a sharp increase in burglaries during the past couple of years," the Chief Inspector told us. "Hello, yes? Well, these naughty chappies have been breaking into people's houses and having it away with their valuables, don't you know. Well, we can't be having that - not if they're not prepared to cut us in. So that's why we here in the Essex constabulation have initiated Project Scorched Earth."
The emphasis of Project Scorched Earth is on crime prevention rather than detection. Householders are invited to take their property down to their local police station, where trained crime prevention officers will carefully note down serial numbers and distinguishing features, mark the item with a special ultraviolet pen, then incinerate it will a heavy duty flame thrower.
"The idea behind Scorched Earth is that if you remove the temptation, you remove the likelihood of crime," the Chief Inspector explained. "Thank you, yes? You see, your criminal type is a smart fellow. He's not going to waste time and energy breaking into your house if he knows your stereo's been reduced to a pile of ashes. Oh no - the street value of a bag of ashes is practically nothing. We know this, because we've done a survey."
The operation has so far proved to be a remarkable success, slashing the number of burglaries in the area. So successful, in fact, that the Chief Inspector plans to extend the scheme for another six months. "We're not going to rest until we have completely eliminated the threat of burglaration from our streets," he told us. "Or at least, not until we've come to some sort of arrangement regarding percentages, anyway. Thank you very much."
A detergents company in Sussex has had surprising success with a new liquid soap which is so alkaline that it can cause severe skin burns and serious disfigurement after just a few brief seconds of exposure. Despite being potentially lethal, the company's ingenious ad campaign - in which they pitch their product as 'the only soap that can literally wipe the smile off your face' - has seen their sales rocket to record figures.