A forthcoming BBC documentary is set to reveal the astounding fact that ants are not really as small as we thought they were - they're just quite far away. Whales, on the other hand, are actually a lot smaller than we had previously surmised - a mistake that has arisen because we tend to view them quite close up. Elephants, however, really are that big.
Martin 'Leadfoot' Gunner boasts that he is one of the fastest getaway drivers in the world. Banks, betting shops, bullion vans - you name it, no one can get away from it faster than Martin 'Leadfoot' Gunner. Unfortunately, Martin always works alone, which means that although he is able to make a speedy escape from any predicament, he rarely has any need to, as there is never anyone with him to do the actual robbery. The police regularly spot him sitting outside banks and post offices, engine running, before he suddenly tears off for no apparent reason. And whilst no theft is involved, Martin still manages to cause disruption and mayhem as he cuts up other traffic, careers down pavements and hurtles down narrow alleyways, sending cardboard boxes and oil drums flying. He's been summonsed, fined and banned from driving several times, but none of this seems to slow him down. But now at last it looks like he's finally going straight, after being offered a job that will make the best use of his talents. He's going to be a bus driver.
New directives from the Health and Safety Executive dictate that, henceforth, all tradesmen should be equipped with rubber tools to reduce the risk of serious accidents in the workplace. This means that employers will have to supply their staff with specially approved bendy chisels and floppy hacksaws before the commencement of any work. The new regulations have already come in for much criticism, and are currently being reviewed following an accident in which a joiner was left comatose when a rubber hammer bounced back and hit him in the forehead.
We're disappointed to report that Texan multi-millionaire and international playboy, Larry Swoon, sadly failed in his recent attempt to pole vault around the world. He managed to cover the distance from Dallas to Miami with relative ease, and he crossed the Atlantic in a single bound, landing safely in Madrid. But then, turning north, tragedy struck: his pole got wedged in a pothole in Toulouse, he lost control and slapped straight into the side of Mount Blanc.
A Canadian agency has become the first company in the world to offer astral travel insurance. "Out of the body experiences can be stressful events for many astral travellers," said press officer Deirdre Fume. "Many people find the separation of their psychic and physical bodies both distressing and unnerving, and so it's perfectly normal for unseasoned travellers to be anxious about their journey. That's where we can help. Our company offers complete peace of mind for the astral traveller, including insurance against missed brain connections, ethereal leakage cover and access to a 24 hour emergency animus pump. We will also provide compensation for loss of baggage, both real and emotional." The agency has already had a lot of interest in the service, particularly their five star policy, which includes the temporary relocation of your mind to another body, should your own prove to be busy on your return.