We have received disturbing reports that Lake Titicaca is gradually being smuggled out of Bolivia. Measurements taken over the last ten years reveal that the average water level has dropped by over six feet. Government officials believe that the lake is slowly being bottled and shipped to Indonesia, where it is used to make posh ice cubes for use in swanky cocktails.
Blackpool Pleasure Beach has just installed the first ever transatlantic water slide. Patrons can get on at the main entrance, behind the candyfloss stall, and get off in New York - taking in scenic views of Ireland and the North Atlantic on the way. In the words of the theme park's press secretary, "It's 3,290 miles of fun!"
Last week saw the conviction of Coco Corelli, the former circus clown whose secret life as an international hitman turned him into one of the world's most notorious criminals. During a career spanning almost twenty years, Coco 'rubbed out' over two hundred victims, despatching each in his trademark comedy fashion. His favourite method was to drop a piano on them from an upstairs window, although he was not averse to improvising with banana skins or buckets of acid, cunningly disguised as custard. In 1992 he is rumoured to have despatched a high ranking member of the Indonesian government with a steel tipped revolving bow tie, and a year later he assassinated an Australian businessman with a lethal jet of burning napalm from the flower in his lapel. His final victim was fired from a cannon mounted on top of a London office block; his corpse landed in the middle of Oxford Street, without the aid of a safety net. Coco made his escape by bicycle, over a tightrope slung across to the adjacent building. Then, after floating down to street level by means of a colourfully decorated umbrella, he jumped in a waiting car to make his getaway. However, after just three hundred yards the wheels collapsed, the doors flew off and the car came to a sudden halt with a series of comedy clanks and springing noises, allowing police to swoop in and make the arrest.
Scientists have finally discovered the highest known number. Boffins working in a top secret atomic research centre hidden beneath the Atlas mountains have been steadily counting upwards since 1966, and recently announced that they reached the number one thousand, nine hundred and sixty-five, before they were unable to go any further. They have therefore concluded that this must be the largest number that physics will allow... Oh, hang on... 1966...
Wildlife experts in Kenya have come up with a barcode scanner that can read zebras, and hope that this will prove to be of great assistance in their ongoing programme of conservation. The equipment has been leased from a company which supplies a leading supermarket chain, and technicians are currently working to adapt the software to its new use. The project has been proceeding well, but there remain one or two technical hiccups; most of the zebras read fine, but there are still a few stubborn animals that scan through as 'Freshly Tinned Garden Peas - Half Price'.